Mom is a good cook

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

I wanna watch

My Lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my Birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch.''

before I was born

Mother : Why aren't you doing very well in History?
Son: Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born.

Take an umbrella and go

Angelina: Go and water the plants.

Daniel: it's already raining.

Angelina: So what? Take an umbrella and go!!

my computer

Help-desk guy speaking to a lady user …

Help-desk: double click on “My Computer”.

Lady: I can’t see your computer...

Help-desk: No... Click on “My Computer” on your computer.

Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer??? !!

Help-desk: There is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer... double click on it.

Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?

your wife doesn't use

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was upset to say the least. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me? A faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Fine..., go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” The husband began “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the Mautumbo I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you were afraid you’d put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but never wore because you say they were too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you didn't wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you refused to wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and wouldn't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

“Please… do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?”

ULEVI NI NOMA

Mlevi mmoja aliingia kwenye daladala na kukaa siti ya mbele, akaweka begi lake kwenye siti kulia kwake kisha akalala. Baada ya muda akaingia mlevi mwingine akatoa lile begi, akaketi yeye...naye akalala. Mlevi wa kwanza alipoamka bila kuangalia akafungua zipu ya mlevi mwenzake akijua anafungua begi lake...Akaanza kupapasa ndani, kwa hasira akauliza, 
"NANI KAWEKA NDIZI MOJA, NYANYA MBILI NA STEELWIRE KWENYE BEGI LANGU!!" 

HAYA MAPENZI MHHH....

[Demu] ana-beep,mshikaji wake kapiga
[demu ](kalegeza sauti):hello baby,uko wapi?
[boy:] niko hapa mwenge,kuna mambo yanilileta huku
[demu:]hivi unajua kama mm naumwa?
[boy:]unaumwa nini?
[demu:]tumbo linaniuma,kichwa nacho sasa ndo basi,yaani kimekuwa kizito kama nimebeba gunia la mahindi, sijui ni kitu gani? kula siwezi,yaani sina hamu kabisa,
[boy:]okay,pole kawaida labda ndo unaingia kwenye siku zako
[demu:] hapana kabisa,hii ni too much,njoo nikuone labda ntapona
boy:]sasa mm niko huku mbali,labda baada ya masaa matatu hivi
[demu:] ww hunipendi najua,yaani naumwa sina hamu ya kula afu unasema unakuja baada ya masaa matatu? kama umenchoka nambie
[boy:]okay,nakuja sasa hivi,napanda gari demu(kafurahi):kabla hujapanda gari,hapo Mwenge stendi kwenye njia ya kutoa magari,kuna ka-supermarket,ingia humo afu nunua maziwa ya unga Nido lile kopo kubwa,humo humo wanauzaga na juice,nunua kopo mbili,moja ya embe nyingine ya apple,mwambie muuzaji akupe na pakiti kubwa ya soseji basi afu ukitoka tu hapo kuna jamaa wana mkokoteni wanauza
matunda,nchukulie parachichi,nanasi hata ndizi pia! nataka nione kama ntarudisha appetite.
[boy:]umemaliza?
[demu;] ndio,basi wahi mwenzio nina hali mbaya hujui tu,afu niletee na vocha mwenzio nina deni kwenye line yangu.
[boy:]umesahau mzani,na calculator.
[demu:] hayo ya nini? na ww kwa
utani hujambo!
[boy:] maanay ake naona unataka kufungua supermarket huko kwenu. mbona sijasikia ukisema unataka
dawa?

KUNA WIZI UMETOKEA BENKI

Jambazi "wote laleni chini pesa ni za serikali na maisha ni ya kwenu", wote wakalala chini
HII INAITWA DHANA YA USHAWISHI - kubadilisha njia ya kawaida ya kufikiria
••••••••••••••••••••••
Kuna dada kwa woga akawa amelala chini kimitego, Jambazi akamwambia, "dada hebu kuwa na adabu chukua kanga jifunike hili ni tukio la ujambazi na sio la ubakaji."
HUU UNAITWA WELEDI - zingatia ulichofundishwakufanya
•••••••••••••••••••••••
Walipotoka kwenye wizi jambazi mdogo ambaye ana shahada ya uzamili ya biashara akamwambia mwenzake, "tuzihesabu hizi fedha." Yule mkubwa akamcheka kwa dharau na kumjibu, "wewe mjinga sana hizo hazina haja ya kuhesabu saa mbili watatutangazia kwenye taarifa ya habari tumeiba kiasi gani.
HUU INAITWA UJUZI - Siku hizi ujuzi ndio bora kuliko vyeti
•••••••••••••••••••••••
Baada ya majambazi kuondoka meneja akamwambia mhasibu wa bank, " ujumlishie na zile milioni 80 tulizo iba sisi."
HUKU KUNAITWA KUOGELEA NA MKONDO WA MAJI - kushabihiana na mazingira magumu kwa faida binafsi.
•••••••••••••••••••••••
Mhasibu akafurahi na kusema, "dah wizi ukitokea kila mwezi itakuwa burudani sana."
HUKU KUNAITWA KUWA NA MAWAZO CHANYA - Furaha ndio kitu cha muhimu zaidi
•••••••••••••••••••••••
Meneja kafurahi sana kwa kuwa sasa matatizo yake yametatuliwa na wizi uliojitokeza.
HUKU KUNAITWA KUTHUBUTU- shikilia nafasi pale inapojitokeza hata kama ni hatari kiasi gani.
•••••••••••••••••••••••
Haya usiku wake taarifa ya habari ikatangaza kuwa wizi mkubwa sana wa million 100 umetokea leo benki. Majambazi kuskia hivyo wakaanza kuhesabu zile pesa lakini wakajikuta na milioni 20 tu. Yule jambazi mkubwa akashtuka na kusema, "dah! yaani meneja kaiba mara nne zaidi yetu bila kuchezesha msuli? Bora umeneja kuliko ujambazi."
HII INAITWA ELIMU NDIYO KILA KITU - ishike sana elimu ina nguvu kuliko dhahabu
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Kuchimba shimo

Mwalimu: Kama inachukua siku 3 kwa Wanaume 10
kuchimba shimo la futi 12. Je!, itachukua siku ngapi wanaume wa 5 kuchimba shimo hilo..?

John: Wala hawatochukua muda wowote kwa sababu
shimo lishachimbwa na wale wanaume 10...!!!

Kama mpenzi hapokei simu

Ukiona mpenzi wako hapokei simu ukimpigia.USIUMIZE KICHWA Mtumie namba za vocha Feki, utaona anapiga na kusema: "mbona inagoma kuingia mpenzi"!!
ni wazo 2 nimekupa.

kuku ni jamii ya NDEGE,

Mwalimu alimuuliza MADENGE: kuku ni jamii ya NDEGE,
je?
SAMAKI ni jamii ya nini?Madenge: akacheka sana kwa dharau kisha akajibu "itakuwa jamii ya MELI".

Kupata na kukosa

Mtoto: Eti baba kukosa na kupata kipi bora?
Baba: Bora kupata mwanangu.
Mtoto: Basi nimepata mimba baba

Wahaya kwa sifa....

Hii nimeckia leo kwenye matangazo ya vifo......
Ndugu Deus Rweyemamu wa Masaki anasikitika kutangaza kifo cha mwanae Jose Rweyemamu wa Oysterbay kilichotokea jana Pasis baada ya kupaliwa na burger akiwa anaendesha Hummer yake mpya. Msiba utafanyka kwa Aunt yake Marekani. Taarifa ziwafikie Ronaldo Rweyemamu wa Portugal,

Koku Kardashian Rweyemamu wa U.S.A.,

Torres Rweyemamu wa Spain,

Walcot Rweyemamu wa England na

House gal wao aliyepo Dubai Shoppng..!!

Msichana wa Kingoni

Msichana wa Kingoni noma kweli !!... kafumwa na Bwana ake anasaliti ndoa yao sa ile katika kujitetea anamwambia bwana ake 'We Baba Nanii wewe yaani Mwenzio alivyokuwa anabembeleza hata Ung'ekuwa Wewe ung'empa!!

hizi pombe tunakunywa lakini .....

Jamaa alikuwa kakaa kwenye meza moja ya baa akiwa kajiinamia kwa mawazo. Rafiki yake akaingia;
BOZO: Vipi wewe mbona hivyo?
BAZA: Aise hizi pombe tunakunywa lakini mbaya sana
BOZO: Vipi tena?
BAZA: Si jana nimerudi nyumbani ndiii, sinikadai haki yangu ya ndoa, ndugu yangu nilipomaliza sinikatoa shilingi alfu kumi nikamlipa waifu
BOZO: Du hiyo kali, lakini siyo jambo la kuwazia kiviiiile
BAZA: Tatizo ni kuwa alinirudishia chenji ya alfu tano...

Love & Death

LOVE is when your boyfriend catches you naked
with another man and tells you "baby dress up let's go home"
DEATH is when you follow him
home!

traffic wakike

Ndo uzuri wa traffic wakike sio wakali kama wakiume "katusimamisha, afu kaja kwenye side mirror kachukua lipstick kajipaka afu kajiangalia. Then katuruhusu twenzetu !
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niko Samaki Samaki

BOY: Hello baby boo.... Uko wapi???
Nimekumiss.
GIRL: mpenzi niko Samaki Samaki hapa
napata Lunch, then namsubiria driver
wangu aje kunichukua anipeleke Chuo...
We uko wapi?
BOY: Nipo Siti ya nyuma ndani ya hii Dala
dala ya Mbagala Uliyopanda, Nilitaka
kukwambia nimeishakulipia Nauli......
Usilipe

Maisha ya dar es Salaam

Maisha ya DAR tunayajua wenyewe jamani!

hongera walio "SHAMBA" Ambako wanachinja "KUKU" Na Kuliwa Nyumba Hiyo Hiyo!

Hapa Dar "KUKU" Anachinjwa "KISUTU"

Shingo Inaliwa "KINONDONI"

Kibawa kinaliwa "MANZESE"

Kidari "TABATA

Paja "OYSTERBAY"

Firigisi "MASAKI"

Miguu "MBAGALA"

Mbavu "MIKOCHENI"

Utumbo "TANDIKA"

Kichwa "TANDALE"

Mgongo "MWENGE"

Ngozi
"KEKO"

CHEZEA DAR WEWE, MSOSI WAKE KAMA MGAO WA "UMEME" KILA MTU LAZIMA APATE.
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Jifanye unaumwa

Jifanye unaumwa na wataarifu Wapenzi wako wote hata waliopita waje Kukuona. Na kila m1 aje na Soda ya Mgonjwa japo Moja moja!! Je huwezi Kupata Msingi Wa Kioski!? Nnavyokujua wewe, Hukosi Kreti kumi. Jaribu Uone. Huo Ni Ushauri Wa Bure. Ndugu Yangu Maisha magumu haya!!

Jamaa kaingia kwa dokta.

JAMAA: Dr nina tatizo huku sirini
Dr: Hebu vua nguo tuone.
JAMAA: poa navua ila pliz usicheke,narudia usicheke.
DK: Ucjali hii ndo kazi yangu siwezi kucheka mgonjwa. Jamaa akavua suruali,dk kuona tu, maadili yakamshinda! akaanza kucheka vibaya kama dakika 5 hadi machozi! kwani kamjomba ka jamaa kalikuwa kadogoo,
kama njiti ya kiberit
alipomaliza kucheka akamuliza haya, tatizo nn?
JAMAA: Imevimba tokea juzi! Dokta akazimia!

what comes after 69?

TEACHER: what comes after 36
STUDENT: 37
TEACHER: Good and what comes after 69?
STUDENT: mouthwash
TEACHER: get out

Unawaza nini?

Vipi mpendwa? Naona umetulia. Unawaza nini? Usihofu kama ni gari tengeneza hata la udongo na kama ndege nunua ata njiwa naye ni ndege na wewe ujidai, mimi mwenzio sina mawazo tena ninamiliki nyumba 3 mbili zakawaida 1 ya golofa zote zakuchora kwenye karatas. mvuvi hakuwa mjinga kuchonga mtumbw. nae alitaman meli

Wanaume walikuwa kwenye semina

Wanaume walikuwa kwenye semina wakaulizwa.
Mara ya mwisho kumwambia mkeo unampenda
ni lini? Wengine wakasema leo asubuhi,wengine
muda sio mrefu. Muwezeshaji akawaambia kila
mmoja sasa hivi amuandikie mkewe sms
amwambie nakupenda mke wangu halafu
badilishaneni simu kila mmoja asome majibu ya
mwenzake.Majibu yalikuwa hivi:-
1.Unaota au?
2.Umekumbwa na nini?
3.he, Makubwa!
4.Utanieleza hii sms ulikuwa unamtumia nani!
5.Leo sikusamehi najua kuna kitu.
6.Huyo ulienae ndo kakwambia unitumie hii
sms?
7.Najua tu tayari kuna kitu umeharibu.
8.Wewe sema unacho kitaka.
9.Leo hunipati ng'o!
10.Nani mwenzangu?

Jamaa kakosea namba

Jamaa kakosea namba si akatuma 220,000/-kwa MPESA kwenda namba tofauti na aliyotaka,

hapo hapo akili ya haraka ikamjia akatuma text ifuatayo.

MPENDWA TUNATEGEMEA UMEPATA FEDHA ZETU. WEWE NI MMOJA ULIYEBAHATIKA KUUNGANISHWA KATIKA KUNDI LETU TUKUFU LA FREEMASON. ILI KUKAMILISHA MAKUBALIANO NDUGU YAKO WA KARIBU ATAFARIKI KATIKA MUDA WA MASAA MATATU BAADA YA KUPOKEA FEDHA HIZO. MARA HILO LITAKAPOTOKEA FIKA UPESI KWENYE NJIA PANDA YOYOTE ILIYOKARIBU NAWE, NA MTUMISHI WETU ATAKUFUATA NA GARI JEUSI NAWE UTAKUJA KUNYWA DAMU YA KIAPO ILI UWE MWANACHAMA KAMILI. KARIBU KWA FURAHA KUU.........

Dakika moja na nusu baadaye meseji ikaja umepokea 220,000/ kutoka kwa.....

Mwalimu katangaza test

Mwalimu katangaza test ya imla. Masharti ni ukiandika jibu hamna kukata. Akaanza kusoma maswali: Swali la kwanza, taja vyakula vitatu ambavyo ukienda hotelini umelipiwa utapenda kula. alama 1%

Wavulana: wakajaza wali, ugali, mihogo.
Wasichana: wakajaza biriani, baga na pizza.

Swali la pili, elezea jinsi ya kupika kila chakula ulichotaja. Marks 99%

Wacha wasichana waanze kuhangaika kukata majibu ya mwanzo!!!!

MAONGEZI YA WASICHANA WAWILI WAKISAFIRI

KWA BASI KWENDA MKOA:
Msichana-1: Ni aina gani ya mume ungependa
kupata?
Msichana-2: Awe Bilionea
Msichana-1: Je?! kama hautapata bilionea?
Msichana-2: Basi awe milionea.
Msichana-1: Je kama hutapata mwenye pesa kiasi
hicho?
Msichana 2: Mwenye millioni moja anafaa pia.
Msichana-1: Kama sio?
Msichana-2: Mwenye laki tano sio mbaya sana.
(John aliyekuwa amekaa siti ya nyuma yao huku anasinzia akamng'oneza abiria mwenzie)

"Akifika elfu moja uniamshe!"

kupika juani wakati jua linawaka

Jamaa alikuwa nanyeshea shamba wakati mvua inanyesha.Alipoulizwa kwa nn unanyeshea shamba wakati mvua inanyesha? Akajibu kwani hujawahi ona watu wanawasha moto na kupika juani wakati jua linawaka?

me too

hebu fikiria unafuga mbwa mvivu kiasi kwamba mpaka mbwa wa jirani akibweka nae anasema "me too"

Stupid Answers for Stupid Questions

1. Someone calls you at 2am in the night and
ask you "are you sleeping?"
Ans: no, I’m picking beans.
2. You're making out with a girl then you start
pulling her pants then she asks; what are you
trying to do?
Ans: I want to wash them for you
3. They see you coming out of the bathroom,
wet; ''did you just have a bath?''
Ans: no, I fell into the toilet bowl
4. You standing right in front of the elevator
on
the ground floor going to your office, yet they
ask; ''going up?''
Ans: no, I’m waiting for my office to come
down
and get me!
5. Your boyfriend comes home with a bunch
of
flowers and you still asks him; ''are those
flowers?''
Ans: no baby, they're carrots!
6. You're in the queue at the cinema to buy
tickets, a friend see's you and ask; ''what are
you
doing here?''
Ans: I’m here to pay my school fees!
7. When people see you lying down with your
eyes closed, they still ask; ''are you sleeping?''
Ans: No! I'm practicing to die.
8. You went to a restaurant n the waiter asks
you: ''Plz can I get you a table?''
Ans: No. I’m here to eat on the floor

bado yupo shule

Jost alienda kutoa posa kwa wazazi wa Anna, alipofika baada ya salamu mazungumzo yalikuwa hivi.

Jost: nimekuja kutoa posa nataka kumuowa binti yenu.

Wazazi: mbona mtoto wetu bado yupo shule?

Jost: poa, ngoja mi niende nitarudi akifunga shule.

Yes and no

Wife: Do you want dinner?

Husband: sure, what are my choices?

Wife: Yes and no

undying love

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Yes Dear.

Girl: Would you die for me?

Boy: No, mine is undying love

game went into extra time

Teacher: Peter, why are you late for school again?

Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

this soup tastes funny

Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.

Waiter: Funny? But then why you aren't laughing?

How old is your father?

Man: How old is your father?

Boy: As old as me.

Man: How can that be?

Boy: He became a father only when I was born.

no time for superstitions

1st thief: Oh! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!

2nd thief: But this is the 13th floor.

1st thief: Hurry! This is no time for superstitions.

call a lifeguard

Customer: Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.

Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Give the menu card

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.

Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

dead insect in my soup

Customer: Waiter, there's a dead insect in my soup.

Waiter: Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

I got a 100 in school today

Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"

"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in to the living room and tell me about it." "Well, "began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."

do you serve beef?

Customer: Waiter, do you serve beef?

Waiter: please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

Is this my train?

Lady: Is this my train?

Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.

Station Master: No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

who is a pharmacist?

Teacher: who is a pharmacist?

John: raised up his hand

Teacher: so its only John that is the most intelligent student i have in this class?

So there is no body else to answer the question except John?

(there was no reply from the students)

teacher: ok now John, use this cane and flag them ten strokes of cane each....

John: full of happy gave all the student ten hot strokes of cane....

Teacher:  my dear John tell this dumb student who a pharmacist is...

John: A Pharmacist is a farmer who assist people.

Teacher: fainted

Condom

Condom aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
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sina nauli

Siku moja baba K alikuwa akisafiri kwa kutumia usafiri wa daladala, cha ajabu akiwa ndani ya gari hakukaa kwenye siti alikuwa akitembeatembea anaanzia kwa dereva hadi siti ya nyuma konda ikabidi amuulize vipi? mbona hukai kwenye siti? Baba K akajibu "sina nauli ndio maana natembea kwa mguu."
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KUWA NA MWANAUME HAMPENDI?

BABA MMOJA ALIPATA TAARIFA KUHUSU WATOTO
WAKE WA KIKE KUWA WANATABIA YA KUSAGANA
BABA BAADA YA KUPATA TAARIFA HIZO AKASHIKW
SANA NA HASIRA AKAWAITA WATOTO WAKE WOTE
PAMOJA NA WAKIUME AKAWAULIZA HIVI NYINYI
WATOTO WANGU WA KIKE KWANINI MNAPENDA
KUSAGANA HIVYO INAMAANA WANAUME HUKO NJE
HAMUWAONI EEE INAMAANA NYINYI KWANI KUWA NA MWANAUME HAMPENDI? AU HAMTAMANI KUOLEWA?
AKATOKEA MTOTO WAKE WA KIUME BABA MIMI
NAPENDA MWANAUME NA NINAKARIBIA KUOLEWA SASA.
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Hotel Management

Jamaa mmoja alimdanganya msichana kuwa anasomea Hotel Management. Siku moja huyo msichana akamkuta jamaa anaosha vyombo kwa Mama Ntilie akamuuliza baby vipi mbona uko hapa? Jamaa akajibu bila woga " Niko Field"
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msako wa leo ni kiboko

Polisi wakiwa katika msako mara wakamkamata mtu mmoja bila kujua kama ni chizi. Walipofika kituoni ukutani palikua na picha ya nyerere na kikwete, chizi akaanza kucheka alipoulizwa sababu ya kucheka akajibu: Ama kweli msako wa leo ni kiboko nyerere na kikwete nao wamo ndani!!!!!!!!!!????

Wizi Benki

Jambazi "wote laleni chini pesa ni
za serikali na maisha ni ya
kwenu",wote wakalala chini
... HII INAITWA DHANA YA
USHAWISHI-kubadilisha njia ya
kawaida ya kufikiria
-------------------------------------------
Kuna dada kwa woga akawa
amelala chini kimitego,
Jambazi "dada embu kuwa na
adabu chukua kanga jifunike hili ni
tukio la ujambazi na sio la
ubakaji.
HUU UNAITWA WELEDI-zingatia
ulichofundishwa kufanya
--------------------------------------------
Walipotoka kwenye wizi jambazi
mdogo ambaye ana shahada ya
uzamili ya biashara akamwambia
mwenzake,"tuzihesabu hizi
fedha,yule mkubwa akamcheka
kwa dharau na kumjibu,"wewe
mjinga sana hizo hazina haja ya
kuhesabu saa mbili watatutangazia
kwenye taarifa ya habari tumeiba
kiasi gani.
HUU INAITWA UJUZI-Sikuhizi ujuzi
ndio bora kuliko vyeti
-------------------------------------------------
Baada ya majambazi kuondoka
meneja akamwambia mhasibu wa
bank, " ujumlishie na zile milioni
80 tulizo iba sisi".
HUKU KUNAITWA KUOGELEA NA
MKONDO WA MAJI- kushabiihana
na mazingira magumu kwa faida
binafsi.
-------------------------------------------------
Mhasibu akafurahi na
kusema,"dah wizi ukitokea kila
mwezi itakuwa burudani sana.
HUKU KUNAITWA KUWA NA
MAWAZO CHANYA-Furaha ndio
kitu cha muhimu zaidi
-----------------------------------------------
Meneja kafurahi sana kwakuwa
sasa matatizo yake yametatuliwa
na wizi uliojitokeza.
HUKU KUNAITWA KUTHUBUTU-
shikilia nafasi psle inapojitokeza
hata kama ni hatari kiasi gani
-------------------------------------------
Haya usiku wake taarifa ya habari
ikatangaza kuwa wizi mkubwa sana
wa millioni 100 umetokea leo
benki kuu,
Majambazi kuskia hivyo wakaanza
kuhesabu zila pesa lakini
wakajikuta na milioni 20 tu.
Yule jambazi mkubwa akashtuka
na kusema, "dah! yani meneja
kaiba mara nne zaidi yetu bila
kuchezesha msuli bora umeneja
kuliko ujambazi".
HII INAITWA ELIMU- ishike sana bunduki na msuli

Dalili Za Mtu anaevuta Bangi

1.Ukiona mtu anapenda kutembea na vibiriti lkn sio mvuta sigara ujue kuna k2
2.Ukiona mtu anampenda bob marley lkn apendi reggae ujue kuna k2
3.Ukiona mtu anazungumzia kwenda south africa ikiwa hata nauli ya kumfikisha karaikoo hana ujue kuna k2
4.Ukiona mtu ugomvi wake wa silaha ujue kuna k2
5.Ukiona mtu aeleweki cku nyingine mpole cku nyingine mkali ujue kuna k2
6.Ukiona mtu anampenda tupac lkn apendi hip hop ujue kuna k2
7.Ukiona mtu____________­_. malizia na wewe.
#sio wote ila zaidi ya 99% ni bangi.

konda amekudai nauli?

Kuna msichana kilipanda daladala kikaenda kukaa
mwsho kabtha.
Lakin kwa mbele alimu0na m2 amefanana na boy
wake...alimtegea yule mtu ageuke ili upate
uhakika lakn yule m2 muda wote aliinamia simu
yake.
Ndipo uzalendo ulimshnda akamtext
"beby uko nyumban?"
"ndiyo vip kwan mbona unauliza?"
"nimepanda bajaji nw naenda mwenge huyu
dereva amefanana na wew sana"
"ooh dat guud...vip konda amekudai nauli??"
"mmmh kwanin?"
"nimemwambia akate wawili"

JAMANI UALIMU WITO

Mwalimu Mgeni aliingia darasani kwa mara ya kwanza na kuchora moyo ubaoni. Kwa kuwa hakuwa mchoraji mzuri, ule moyo ulionekana hovyo kabisa lakini kwa kujiamini akauliza wanafunzi nimechora nini?
MWANAFUNZI WA KWANZA: Matako!
MWANAFUNZI WA PILI: Umechora Matako Mwalimu!
MWANAFUNZI WA TATU: Hayo ni Matako kabisaaaaa!
Mwalimu kwa hasira akamwita Mkuu wa Shule kwa madai kuwa wanafunzi wanamfanyia mzaha darasani, ikawa hivi;
MKUU WA SHULE: Kwanini mnamfanyia Mwalimu mzaha?
WANAFUNZI WOTE: Hatufanyi Mzaha!
MKUU WA SHULE: Kama hamfanyi mzaha nani kachora hayo MATAKO Ubaoni???
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tuoane miaka mitano

Mke alikuwa akifanya usafi nyumbani
kwake,
kwa bahati akakuta kibox kidogo chini ya
mvungu wa kitanda, alipokifungua alikuta kuna
mayai matano na shilngi milioni mbili.
Mumewe aliporudi alimuuliza kuhusu kile kisanduku
na mayai ni ya nini?
Yule bwana akamjibu mkewe kwamba, alijiwekea
utaratibu kuwa kila akitoka nje ya ndoa ananunua
yai moja na kulihifadhi mle katika kisanduku.
Mkewe akiwa na furaha akamwambia duh! yaani
tangu tuoane miaka mitano iliyopita umetoka nje
ya
ndoa mara tano tu!
Kumbe wale walikuwa wananiambia kuwa wewe ni
malaya sana hawakuwa sahihi ni wachonganishi
tu...
Mke akauliza, haya na hizi shilingi milioni mbili ni za
nini?
Mume: Huwa nayauza yale mayai pindi yakiwa
mengi
na fedha naweka humo...!
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nakutumia kiss 100

Jamaa alihamia Dar tokea Mbeya kwenda kusaka life na kumwahidi wife kuwa atakuwa akimtumia fedha za mahitaji ya yeye na familia, sasa jamaaa akiwa Dar mammbo yakawa sioikabidi amtumie wife barua na kusomekahivi:-

Mpendwa mama wa watoto wangu,

Ni matumaini yangu kuwa u mzima wa afya pamoja na wanangu wote.

Hapa dar hali imekuwa ngumu na nimeshindwa kukutumia fedha za matumizi ya mwezi ila nakutumia kiss 100 kwani nakupenda sana.
Salimia familia kwaniaba yangu.

Mmeo mpenzi

Baada ya wiki mbili jamaa nae akapokea barua toka kwa mkewe ikisomeka kama ifuatavyo:-

Mme wangu mpenzi,

Kwanza pole na mihangaiko na hali ngumu uliyonanyo.

Kuhusu fedha usijali kwani nimezitumia zile kiss 100 ulizonitumia na ufuatao ni mgawanyo wake

1. Baba mwenye nyumba alivyokuja kudai kodi ya nyumba nilimalizana nae kwa kiss 35

2. Na Yule mangi wa pale dukani ambaye alikuwa ananidai fedha za baadhi ya majitaji ya nyumbani nimemlipa kiss 10

3. Maji na umeme walivyokuja kunidai nimewapa kiss 20

4. Mwalimu wa tution yeye amekubali kwa kiss 25

Usijali sana kwani mpaka sasa nimebakiwa na akiba ya kiss 10.

Nakutakia kazi njema na mafanikio

Mkeo kipenzi
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mke mwema anatoka kwa bwana

Jamaa aliulizwa na nduguye “utaoa lini” akajibui “nasubiri mke aliyeachika” nduguze wakashangaa sana wakamuuliza kwa nini? Akajibu “mke mwema anatoka kwa bwana.”

ngoja nirudi toka songea

Jamaa kamuaga mkewe anaenda semina songea kwaa wiki nzima kumbe kahamia kwa demu nyumba ya pili toka kwake. Siku ya kwanza kalala ilipofika asubuhi akachungulia kwake  kukoje, si akamuona jamaa yupo nje ya nyumba yake kavaa taulo lake anapiga mswaki. Akapiga kelele kwa sauti ya chini “we nani?” Jamaa kwa kujiamini akajibu,  “mshikaji mambo ya mjini haya, mume wa huyu demu kasafiri kaenda songea mi ndo navinjari hapa”. Jamaa akajibu kinyonge, “mshenzi mkubwa wewe, ngoja nirudi toka songea nitakuuwa”

Masisterduu noma sana

Masisterduu noma sana, hawa walikuwa wanatambiana juu ya majina ya mabwana zao.

Wakwanza: mi wangu ni SOSPETER, nikipenda namuita SOS au PETER

Wapili: mi wangu EMMANUELI, nikipenda namuita IMMA au  NOEL.

Watatu: akanuna na akaondoka zake kwa hasira. Kumbe bwanake anaitwa MBWAMBO.

wewe mwanaume

Hepu leo tuwe wakweli, hasa wewe mwanaume unaesoma hii. Ivi wanawake zako wote wakitaka uwanunulie vin’gamuzi au smartphone, kaka si utakuwa wakala?

wanaoongoza kwa uvivu duniani

Je unajua kwamba kuna watu 552668731105657 wanaoongoza kwa uvivu duniani? Na  wewe ni mmoja wao sababu hujajisumbua hata kusoma hizo namba.

rafiki yako wa primary

Leo nimecheka sana, nimekutana na rafiki yako wa primary amenipa story zako, eti kila mwalimu alipokuwa akifuta notes ubaoni na wewe ulikuwa unafuta kwenye daftari.

Unasafiri kikazi

Unasafiri kikazi, wakati unapaki nguo mkeo anakupa box la condom “honey chukua hizi incase vikitokea  vishawishi.” Ukalipokea kwa bashasha na tabasamu zito na kusema, “asante.” Wakati unaingia kwenye gari mkeo anakukimbilia, “honey naomba pakiti kama tano hivi, kwani huwezi jua naweza shawishika pia.” Je Utampa?

Maisha ni kitu cha kustajabisha sana

Maisha ni kitu cha kustajabisha sana, wale unaowadhania kuwa wema ndo hatari ona kama hawa;

Daktari: anakuombea uumwe.

Wakili: anakuombea upate kesi

Mtengeneza majeneza: anakuombea ufe

Police: anakuombea uwe mhalifu au ufanye kosa

Mwizi: ndio pekee anaekuombea ufanikiwe ili akuibie. Na wewe muombee anaekuombea mema ili nay eye azidi kufanikiwa.

I think this man is crazy!

Mtalii na mtafsiri wake Mtalii: Do you have vegetables here. Mtafsiri: Mnavyo vijimeza hapa. Waiter: Vijimeza vidogo hatuna. Mtafsiri: No sir, they don't have. Mtalii: OK, fine, do you have hot dogs. Mtafsiri: Sawa, je mnao mbwa wa moto. Waiter: Loh! Bwana we, hatupiki mbwa hapa. Mtafsiri: They don't cook here Mtalii: What type of snacks do you have here. Mtafsiri: Aina ngapi ya nyoka mnao hapa, Waiter: We bwana we hapa hatupiki aina yeyote ya nyoka, mwache akale nyumbani kwao. Mtafsiri: They don't cook any type of snacks here, maybe you can go back and eat at home. Mtalii: OK, at least give us a cocktail juice. Mtafsiri: OK, tupatie hata juisi ya mkia wa jogoo. Waiter: Hebu tokeni na bangi zenu hapa, tena sasa hivi kabla sijakasirika. Mtafsiri: Lets get out of here, I think this man is crazy!
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I am the husband

Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night
and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back!"

Man gets up, jumps out of the window,
hurts himself, and then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!"
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get a sperm count

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
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mbona leo unaninyanyua

Jost alitoka kanisani alivofika nyumbani akaanza kumkumbatia mke wake na kumnyanyua juu, mke wake akauliza vipi honey mbona leo unaninyanyua na si kawaida yako? Jost akajibu..leo mchungaji amesema tuyanyanyue matatzo yetu juu kwa bwana.
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your wife is controlling you

A pastor announced, "If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left".
All the men in the church moved to left except Jost.
The pastor was amused and asked, "How come your wife can't control you ?"
Jost quietly replied,"Pastor, it's my wife who told me not to move"..
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Kuruka GETI

John ni chizi katika hospital ya mirembe kwa muda wa miaka 7, alipoamua kutoroka alifanya mazoezi ya kuruka ukuta kwa geti kwa miezi mitano, siku ya kutotora aliwaaga marafiki zake, baada ya muda akarudi wakamuuliza vipi? akajibu nimekuta geti lipo wazi nimeshindwa kuruka, wenzie wakamuambia sasa si ungelifunga ili uruke? akawajibu, nilitaka kulifunga lakini sikuona funguo, nimejaribu kumtafuta mlinzi mpaka kule nje vichakani lakini sijamuona.

shut up, you idiot

A drunk guy was with his girlfriend in a cinema and suddenly, he fell asleep. After a while, he woke up and started screaming 'MY PENIS, MY PENIS, MYPENIS'!

All the people in the cinema were surprised at the guys behaviour.
He continued, 'Where is my penis? Someone has cut my penis and my nuts! Oh God what have I done to deserve this?' The embarrassed girlfriend said 'shut up, you idiot! Your hand is in my panty'!

Who do you like more, Mum or Dad?

DAD: Who do you like more, Mum or Dad?

John: Both.

DAD: Ok if I go to America and your mum goes to
Paris, where will you go

John: Paris

DAD: That means you like your mum more?

John: No, I like Paris.

DAD: OK, if I go to Paris and your mum goes
to America, where will you go
John: America.

DAD: [angry] Why!?

John: Because I've been to Paris before

WW, WA, PP & APR

A guy in a hurry used the ladies 'toilet in a posh hotel'.. He sat down and noticed four buttons -
WW, WA, PP & APR. Curious, he pressed WW &
his butt was gently sprayed with WARM WATER,
he loved it so much!

He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM AIR dried him up. Still loving it, He pressed PP & a
POWDER PUFF to make him smell fresh. Feeling
pampered, he decided to press the last button
APR.

He later woke up in a hospital.

A nurse smiled & said to him, Sir, APR means
AUTOMATIC PAD REMOVER.
When the machine couldn't find a pad on you,it went for your balls.
Your balls are in the jar over there!

My wife is having a heart attack

John gets home early
from
work and hears strange
noises
coming from the
bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find
his wife
naked on the bed,
sweating and
panting. "What's up?" he
says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries
the woman.
He rushes downstairs
to grab the
phone for ambulance,
but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-
old son
comes up and says,
"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle
Fred is hiding in
your closet and he's got no
clothes on!"
John slams the phone
down
and storms upstairs
into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips
open the
wardrobe door. Sure
enough,
there is his brother, totally
naked,
covering on the closet
floor.
"You idiot!" John says,
"My wife is having a heart attack and
you're running around
naked
scaring the kids.....

Chinese man

A Chinese man took a prostitute
to his home and they started
having sex.

Once he was done,he jumped
out of the bed,
ran to the
window,took a deep breath
then went under the bed and
came out through the other side
and started having sex with the girl again.

When he finished the 2nd
time,he jumped off the bed
went to the window,took a deep breath,went under the
bed and came out from the other side then started having sex again..

He did these until the 8ths time. The girl was real impressed by
his stamina.
After the 10ths round she decided to try it for herself.

So she jumped off the bed,went
to the window, took a deep breath, went under the bed and
saw 10 more chinese men naked.

Did you see anything under the table that you liked?

Two couples were playing cards. John
accidentally dropped some cards on The floor.
When he bent down under the table to pick them
up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing
any underwear! He was Shocked by this, John
hit His head on the table and emerged red-
faced. Later when John went to the kitchen to
get some refreshments'' Bill's wife followed him
and asked, "Did you see anything under the
table that you liked? John admitted that, well,
yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will
cost you $50. " After a minute or, two,
John indicates that he is interested. She tells
him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and
John doesn't, John should come to her house
around 2:00 PM on Friday; So John did went to
her house at 2:00PM. After paying her the $50
they went to the bedroom, had sex for about
Two hours, and then John left. Bill came home
about 6:00PM, and asked his wife,"Did John
come by this afternoon?" ''Shocked, she
replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes."Next Bill asked, "Did John give you
$50?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!'Reluctan tly
she says,"Yes, he did give me $50." "Good,"Bill
says. "John came by the office this morning and
borrowed the $50 from me and said he'd stop
by our house on his way home and pay me back.
"It's good to have a friend you can
trust"...

"Like" button

I think am seriously addicted
---Today I was reading the
newspaper and found myself
looking for the "Like" button

the whole town is in trouble

A boy called up his mom
"mom, i have AIDS"

Mom "what? don't come back
home son, go away"

Boy "why mom, i'm your son"

Mom "you foolish boy!

If you come back home, then
your wife will be
infected,from your wife to
your brother,

from your brother to our
maid, from our maid to your dad,

from your dad to my sister,

from my sister to her husband,

from her husband to me,

from me to our gardener,

from our gardener to your sister...

And if your sister got it, then

the whole town is in trouble........ ­.

hold her for me. I'm going for yours

A guy sits in a taxi and sees his
wife entering
a
hotel with another man, and tells
the driver(akpos).
Do you want to Earn $500 right
away ?,,,,
The driver(akpos) excitedly said what do
I have to
do ?..
Bring my wife by the hair out of
that hotel,
here's
a picture of her.
After a while the driver(akpos) is seen
dragging a
woman
by the hair,
While kicking and beating her
and puts her in
the
Taxi.
And the husband says to him,
"This is not my
wife" the driver(akpos) replied "
Nooooo , this is
mine,
hold her for me. I'm going for
yours"!

The two pastors fainted

Three pastors met & agreed to sincerely tell each other their problems which must be kept a secret between the three of them.
The first pastor(Johnny) said; my problem is money l do steal even from the church offering. Please pray for me. The second pastor(emeka); mine is women. Whenever l see any woman my desire will be to go to bed with her, infact l have slept with most of the church (female) members. Turning to the third pastor(Akpors) to hear his problem he started crying (it took his friends some effort to calm him). When they asked him to continue, he was still crying, he said my problem is gossiping, when we leave this place everybody will hear all what the two of you have just told me. Please pray for me!
The two pastors fainted.

alibaba and the 40 thieves

Four guys were discussing about thier wive's.
The first guy said "when my wife was pregnant she read,the novel: the 2 cities and gave birth 2 twins". The second guy said, my wife read the 2 musketeers and gave birth 2 triplet. Akpos stood up and started running heading home when asked why? he then said "my wife is pregnant and she's reading alibaba and the 40 thieves.

Money isn't everything

Money, money, money

It can buy a House

But not a Home

It can buy a Bed

But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock

But not Time

It can buy you a Book

But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position

But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine

But not Health

It can buy you Blood

But not Life

So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering...

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

I won't go for that umbrella!

Three tortoises, Tinku, Teku and Toku, went into a restaurant. Each of them ordered a large ice cream sundae. They were waiting for their order when they noticed that it was pouring with rain outside.

"We are going to need our umbrellas," said Toku. Tinku agreed. They both decided that Teku should run home to get the umbrellas, but he didn't want to go in case they ate his ice-cream while he was away. But Toku and Tinku promised that they would do nothing of the kind, so Teku set off.

One week went by and Teku did not return. Two weeks went by and still he did not appear. Halfway through the third week, Tinku turned to Toku and said, "Come on, let's eat his ice cream."

"Okay, let's," said Toku.

Just then Teku's voice piped up from under the next table, "If you do, I won't go for that umbrella!"

cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home.

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"

The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"

The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision."

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"

God said He never spoke to you yesterday

Teacher fell asleep in class and
a little naughty boy walked up
to him,
Little boy: "Teacher are you
sleeping in class?"
Teacher: "No I am not sleeping in class."
Little boy: "What were you
doing sir ?"
Teacher: "I was talking to God."
The next day the naughty boy
fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him...
Teacher: "young man, you are
sleeping in my class."
Little boy: "No not me sir, I am
not sleeping."
Angry teacher: "What were you doing.??"
Little boy: "I was talking to
God."
Angry teacher: "What did He
say??"
Little boy: "God said He never spoke to you yesterday."

NIWEKEENI KESHONTANYWEA CHAI

BABU KAJA MJINI KWA
MWANAE TOKA KIJIJINI,
JIONI KAKARIBISHWA
MEZANI KWA CHAKULA
AKALA AINA 4 ZA
CHAKULA NA MATUNDA
AKASHIBA MARA
AKASIKIA "WE JOYCE
MLETEE BABU TISHU NA
TOOTH STICKS" MZEE
KAROPOKA JAMANI
NIMESHIBA, HIZO TISHU
NA TOOTH STICKS
NIWEKEENI KESHO
NTANYWEA CHAI,
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Baunsa

Baunsa alienda kutibiwa mgongo kwa doctor.
DOKTA: Ilikuwaje mpaka ukapata mshtuko wa uti wa mgongo?
BAUNSA: Nilipoingia home alfajiri nikitokea kazini,nilisiki­a makelele
chumbani kwangu nikajua mke wangu yupo na mwanaume
mwingine,nikaza­ma chumbani kwa spidi lakini sikumkuta mtu,mara nikasikia mlango wa
sebuleni umefunguliwa kwa fujo,nilipochun­gulia kupitia
dirishani nikamwona mtu anakimbia huku anavaa shati,nikachuku­a fridge nikamrushia nikiwa ghorofa ya tatu,hapo ndipo niliposhtua uti wangu wa mgongo.......
Alipomaliza tu kauliyake,akain­gia mgonjwa mwingine kaharibika kama kagongwa na gari.
DOKTA: Na wewe nini kimekusibu?.
MGONJWA 1: Nilisahau kuweka alarm asubuhi nikachelewa kuamka kwenda
kazini,kazi yenyewe niliajiriwa jana tu baada ya kukaa jobless kwa muda mrefu,nikatoka nje huku navaa nguo,mara nikapondwa na fridge kichwani.......
Mara akaingia mgonjwa wa tatu akiwa na halimbaya kuliko waliomtangulia.
DOKTA: Na wewe nini tena Yarabi?
MGONJWA 2: 'Doctor,mimi nilikuwa nilitaka kufumaniwa nikajibanza ndani ya fridge,mara ghafla lile fridge likabebwa na kutupwa kutoka ghorofa ya tatu mpaka chini..
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Kwenu

1.Naskia una sura mbaya mpaka ukijiangalia kwenye kioo kinaandika Please wait...
2.Dada zako ni wabaya hadi mmeweka tangazo getini eti oa m1 upate wa2 bure.
3.Wewe ni mweus hadi ukibeba mtoto anasinzia akizani giza limeingia
4.Kwenu mko wengi hadi mtoto wa mwisho anaitwa etc
5.Damu yako tamu mpaka mbu huja na vitafunio
6.Kwenu mko wengi mpaka babako akiingia anasema 'hamjambo wananchi'
7.Kwenu kuchafu mpaka inzi na mende huvaa malapa...! Kweli?
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wahuni wa pale wana roho mbaya

Mtoto wa kike alimwambia mama yake: Mama wahuni wa pale wana roho mbaya, nimewaambia waniangulie maembe wakaniambia nipande mwenyewe. Mama akajibu: wale walikua wanataka kukuchungulia tu chupi yako. Mtoto akajibu: aah unafikiri sina akili ! Nilivua kwanza halafu nikapanda juuu

Sasa neno sukari lipo wapi?

Mwalimu: Hamadi tunga sentensi ukitumia neno SUKARI. Hamadi: Asubuhi nilikunywa chai na mkate. Mwalimu: Sasa liko wapi neno sukari apo? Hamadi: Ndani ya chai.
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uchague kati ya Hela na Akili

Mwalimu: Kama nikikuuliza wewe
uchague kati ya Hela na Akili
utachagua nini?
Mwanafunzi: Nitachagua hela.
Mwalimu: Hahaha...Ningec­­hagua
Akili
Mwanafunzi: Sawa,Kila mtu
anachagua asichokua nacho!
Mwalimu: Aaaaarggh!!**
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huo ndio msaada wangu

Baba alimwandikia barua mwanae aliefungwa jela kwa wizi.
Baba; mwanangu,mwaka huu nitashndwa kulima viaz kwa kukosa msaada wako.
Mtoto:tafadhal ucdhubutu kulima hilo shamba baba maana ndipo nilipoficha pesa zote nilizoiba,Polisi walivyoona ile barua kesho yake wakaenda kulitifua lile shamba lote, wakazikosa zile pesa,Mtoto akamwandikia barua nyngne baba yake.
Mtoto:huo ndio msaada wangu pekee nnaoweza kukusaidia,sasa unaweza kupanda viazi...
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ngoja nirudi toka Songea

Jamaa kaaga kwa mkewe anaenda Songea kwa wiki nzima,kumbe kahamia kwa mchuchu nyumba ya pili toka kwake,..
siku ya kwanza akalala,asubuhi­ alipoamka akamua kuchungulia kwake kukoje,si akamuona jamaa yupo nje ya nyumba yake kavaa taulo
lake anapiga mswaki bila wasiwasi! akapiga ukelele, "Allo we nani?", Jamaa akajibu, "Ahhh mshikaji mambo ya mjini, mume wa huyu
demu kasafiri kaenda Songea huko,mi ndo navinjari hapa".Mume akajibu kwa uchungu, "Shenzi mkubwa, ngoja nirudi toka Songea
nikikukuta nakuuwa"
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Lakini Una Uhakika Muuaji Yupo

Mwalimu mpya wa Historia kabla ya kuanza kufundisha alitaka kuwapima uwezo wanafunzi kwa Kuwauliza swali kama ifuatavyo.
Mwl: Eeehe ! Ni Nani Aliyemuua Chifu Mkwawa?
Mwanafunz 1: Aka Sio Mimi !
wa 2: Wallah ! Sihusiki !
wa 3: Kwanza Me Jana ckuja Shule!
Mwlimu Alipoona Wanafunzi Wote niwajinga kabisa akaamua Kumuita Mkuu Wa Shule ajekushuhudia ujinga wa wanafunzi wake,akampa lile swali mkuu wa shule iliakawaulize wanafunzi, Mkuu Wa Shule Alipoenda akawauliza Lile Swali "kwa vitisho" Mambo Yakawa Vilevile. Ndipo Alipomuita Mwalimu Pembeni Na Kumnong'oneza "Lakini Una Uhakika Muuaji Yupo Darasa Hili?"
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Black n Yellow

Girl : I like ur teeth
Boy : oh really?
Girl : yes, they remind me of a song
Boy : thanx so much! which song
Girl : Black n Yellow
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thank God i didn't step on it

A Tanzanian man watering hiz
garden while its raining!

2. A Kenyan man saw a mango
in a tree then climb up to
confirm if its ripe and gets down
and start stoning at it!

3. Scientific saw something like
shit and touched it with his
fingered and tested it on hiz
tongue to see if ts really shit,
then says! "Oh, Its really human shit,
thank God i didn't step on it".
...
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I'm, Just, Kidding

A girl asked her boy to describe
her
Boi : U are ''A B C D E F G H I J
K''
Gal : what does that means??
Boi : "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute,
Delightful, Elegant, Fairly,
Gorgeous & Hot"
Gal : "Ooh,thta's lovely, what about 'I, J and
K?"
Boi :" I'm, Just, Kidding"
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Do you mind if I sit beside you

A guy asked a girl in a library; "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?

The girl answered with a loud voice; "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!".

All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and she told him

"I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt em
barrassed right?"

The guy responded with a loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

...and all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears,

"I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty
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CHUMBA CHA KUTAHIRIA WANAUME

Mwizi alibomoa nyumba akaingia kwenye moja ya vyumba akaona vinyama kwenye kibakuli vilivyokauka, akaonja kimoja akaona ni kitamu kina chumvi chumvi!
Akafurahi akakaa chini akala vyote alipomaliza akaangalia juu ya mlango akaona pameandikwa CHUMBA CHA KUTAHIRIA WANAUME!!
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wasomi au wazungu?

Jamaa kaenda kuomba kazi ya ulinzi..akaambi­wa awe amemaliza form 4 pia awe anajua kingereza..nae akauliza wanaokuja kuiba ni wasomi au wazungu?
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Rich alikuwa amelala
na mkewe saa nane usiku
wakaamshwa na mtu
akipiga hodi mlangoni
kwao.
Wakabishana nani
afungue....hati­maye Rich
akaenda kufungua mlango
akiwa na usingizi mwingi,
akamkuta jirani yake mlevi
mlangoni.
Rich: "Nini tena mkubwa
mbona kuamshana saa
hizi?"
MLEVI: "Naomba uje
unisukume.."
Rich akajua labda gari la
huyu mlevi imekwama kwenye
tope, akamwambia, "Subiri
nivae viatu." Baada ya
kuvaa viatu akatoka na
kuanza kuandamana na
mlevi.
Mlevi akaongoza njia
mpaka kwenye mabembea,
akakaa kwenye bembea
mmoja, akamgeukia
Rich na kumwambia,
"Okay nisukume sasa".
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darling

Jombaa kasafiri na mkewake kwenda moshi baada kufika moshi jamaa akawa anamwita mke wake moshlig mke wee mbona toka tumefika hapa moshi unaniita moshlig jamaa mbona wee tukiwa dar unaniita darling
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wake za watu walikuwa kwenye semina

Kundi la wake za watu walikuwa kwenye semina
kuhusu namna ya kuishi kwa upendo katika
ndoa. Muwezeshaji akauliza, wangapi
wanawapenda waume zao? Wote wakanyoosha
mikono. Akauliza tena, 'Mara ya mwisho
umemwambia mumeo nakupenda lini?. Majibu
mbalimbali yalitolewa, Wengine wakisema Leo,
wengine Jana, wengine hawakumbuki. Kisha
akawaambia, kila mtu achukue simu yake halafu
amtumie mumewe text yenye maneno.
NAKUPENDA MPENZI, kisha wabadilishane simu.
Wakaambiwa kila moja asome majibu kwenye
simu aliyoshika, majibu yalikuwa kama
ifuatavyo;
Simu 1- Samahani nani mwenzangu?
Simu 2- He Mama Joji unaumwa?
Simu 3- Nami pia daima
Simu 4- Nini tena umeshagonga gari?
Simu 5- Sijakuelewa una maana gani
Simu 7- Umefanya nini tena? Leo
sitakusamehe
Simu 8-Chukua taim yako
Simu 9-?!?
Simu 10- Acha kuzunguka unataka shilingi
ngapi?
Simu 11 – Hivi naota?
Simu 12 – Kwa kweli leo usiponieleza hii mesej
ulikuwa unampelekea nani atakufa mtu shenzi
mkubwa
Simu 13 – Nilishakwambia usirudie kunywa
pombe au ntakuacha naona umechoka kuishi na
mimi
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Watanzania wavivu

Watanzania wavivu jamani,hebu sikiliza kisa hiki. Wezi wawili walivamia bank na kufanikiwa kuiba mabunda ya hela, kufika nyumbani mmoja akamwambia mwenzie "hebu zihesabu tujue ni bei gani!" mwenzie akamjibu mimi nimechoka tusubiri taarifa ya habari ya saa 2 watatangaza ni kiasi gan tumeiba
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MAJIBU YA MAKONDA WADALADALA

1. wewe Dada unaturingia nini na
matiti yako mawili nje nje, mbwa
pia ana matiti nane na
haturingii!!!!
2. Ka wafikiri Una haraka sana
Shuka ukimbie.
3. Nauli kulipa lazima ,Chenji
Nikikumbuka.
4. Ka unataka siti ungekuja na kiti
chako...
5. Hatujasema wewe ni Mnene ila
Ukikalia SITI mbili Lipia....
6. usifungue dirisha ungetaka
upepo ungepanda pikipiki..
7. wewe Dada hebu sogea hukoo,
Unaringa nini wakati asubuhi hii
umeoga na sabuni ya kuoshea
vyombo...
8. ________________
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Mpenzi King'amuzi kipya tayari

Mke wa fundi ving'amuzi alikuwa kapelekwa hospitali tayari kujifungua na hatimaye akajifungua na akamu SMS mume wake: "Mpenzi King'amuzi kipya tayari".
Fundi akaruka juu kwa furaha ya kujua mkewe kishajifungua salama, na yeye akamjibu kwa SMS: "Hongera mke wangu mpenzi. Vipi kina
ANTENNA!!!
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dakika 50 zijazo

Mlevi katuma meseji kwa mke wake
"Darling nipo bar napata mbili tatu,
nitarudi nyumbani ndani ya dakika 50 zijazo,
ukiona kimya we soma tena hii meseji"
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Umbea Noma

bint kakaa kwenye daladala anaandika SMS, huku kashika kibegi chake. Mzee m1 pembeni akawa anakomaa kuangalia bint anaandika nn! Bint kastukia, akaamua kuandika hiv:

"Yule nyoka utakua hujamtoa meno ya sumu, anasumbua kwenye begi anataka kutoka, cjui nfanyeje na alivyo mkubwa itakuaje?"

Mzee kuona vile akasogea pembeni; bint nae hakumchelewesha , akamrushia begi!

Mzee kakurupuka, kelele; Nyokaa nakufaaa!
Bint: ukome kusoma sms za watu.
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dawa ya kurudisha ujana

Wakati jamaa yuko china aliwatumia wazaz dawa ya kurudisha ujana...Baada ya mwez alirudi nchini na kupokelewa na dada mwenye mtoto mchanga...Jamaa akamuuliza dada, baba na mama wako wapi??
Dada kamjibu...
Mimi ni mama yako na niliyembeba ni baba yako yeye alizidisha dawa...
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sipati charger yake

Jamaa alipoteza simu yake akawa akiipiga haipatikani,baada ya siku ya 3 akajaribu kuipiga tena bahati nzuri ikaita
Mwenye simu:Halooo kama zali vile wewe ndio umeokota simu yangu?
Muokotaji:waoooh nilikutafuta bila mafanikio afadhali umepiga ili unipatie charger cause nimezunguka kariakor nzima sipati charger yake!
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sisi ni mke na mume

MUME: "Unajua mi unanishangaza sana, kila siku nakusikia mara useme TV yangu, gari yangu, chumbani kwangu, watoto wangu, sisi ni mke na mume, kila kitu ni chetu, jirekebishe bwana."
Mke akanyamaza kimnyaaaa anaendelea na shughuli zake za kupekua kabatini kama hasikii, na hakumjibu kitu mumewe!
MUME: Akamuuliza Kwa hamaki: " Sasa hapo unatafuta nini?"
MKE: "bikini yetu!!!!"
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Usikojoe hapa

Mlevi kakutwa akikojoa eneo la shule, mwalimu akamuuliza hilo bango linasemaje? Mlevi akajibu: USIKOJOE HAPA. Mwalimu: kwa hiyo hapo unafanya nini?! Mlevi: kutoka moyoni nilijua hilo ni jina la hii shule.
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Mental Problem!

John interview
OFFICER:- what is your name?
John:- M.P sir
OFFICER:- tell me properly!
John:- Michael Peter sir
OFFICER:- your father's name?
John:- M.P sir
OFFICER:- what does that mean?
John:- Moses Peter sir
OFFICER:- your native place?
John: M.P sir
OFFICER:- is it Makurdi Purum?
John:- No, Minna Port sir
OFFICER:- what is your
qualification?
John:- M.P sir
OFFICER:- (angry) what is it?!
John:- Merit Pass
OFFICER:- so why do you need a
job?
John:- M.P sir
OFFICER: meaning?
John:- Money Problem sir
OFFICER:- what is your
personality?
John:- M.P sir
OFFICER:- would you explain
urself and stop wasting my time?
John:- Monacrotic Personality
OFFICER:- I see... I will get back
to you.
John:- sir, how's my M.P?
OFFICER:- and what's that again?
John:- My Performance.
OFFICER:- M.P !
John:- m.e.a.n.i.n.g?
OFFICER:- Mental Problem!!