Samaki Samaki Mlimani City

Girl: Jost naomba unitoe out.
Jost: unataka nikupeleke wapi?
Girl: samaki samaki mliman city.
Hao safari mpaka mliman city,
Mhudumu: karibuni, niwahudumie nini?
Girl: niletee mihogo ya kukaanga na juisi ya kijoti.
Mhudumu: mh! Hebu ngoja kwanza nimsikilize mwenzio, wewe kaka?
Jost: mi kuna mtu namsubiri ameniambia tukutane hapa, but sio mbaya niletee Safari baridiiiiiii.

What's Your Business Sign?

(1) MARKETING

You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least >>compatible with Sales.

(2) SALES

Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

(3) TECHNOLOGY

Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

(4) ENGINEERING

One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

(5) ACCOUNTING

The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

(6) HUMAN RESOURCES

Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

(7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT

Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

(8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT

(See above - Same sign, different title)

(9) CUSTOMER SERVICE

Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions.

(10) CONSULTANT

Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

(11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER"

As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

(12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO

You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

(13) GOVERNMENT WORKER

Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job....Thus the term "GO POSTAL"

Top Ten Signs You Work In The 00'S

10.You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

9. You get all excited when it's Saturday because you can wear sweats to work.

8. You refer to the tomatoes growing in your garden as "deliverables".

7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the best restaurant in town in the same week.

5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next-door neighbors.

3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making plans for Friday night.

2. You think Einstein would have been more effective if he had put his ideas into a matrix. And the number one sign you work in the '00's:

1. You think a "half day" means leaving at 5 o'clock (even if you work at home).

6 Minutes Late

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''

''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''

George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''

What is politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

mwenyewe umesikia keshaua

Mdada mmoja mke wa mtu alikuwa akisumbuliwa sana na jamaa mmoja aliyekuwa akimtaka kila siku, hatimae akamwambia mumewe. Mume akamwambia mkewe, we kubali tuu, ila mwambie aje mlale hapa kwetu, mi ntajificha uvunguni na panga. Akisha ingia ukiona kamaliza kuvua nguo we ning'iniza mkono anza kuuchezesha, mi nikiuona ntatoka uvunguni na kumfunza adabu.

Mdada akafuata masharti ya mumewe na hatimae wakaingia chumbani na yule bwana , mumewe akiwa tayari na panga uvunguni mwa kitanda. Jamaa alipovua shati, mke alishangaa kuona ana makovu makubwa kifuani na mgongoni;

MKE: Heee mbona una makovu hivyo??

JAMAA: Niwe mkweli tuu, kwako dia!! mie nina tatizo sana la kupenda wake za watu, waume wengi wamekuwa wakipanga kunifumania, nilishafumaniwa mara kumi na tisa, na wote walionifumania niliwaua. Ila jaribio la mwisho nilidakwa na mapolisi nikatumikia kifungo cha miaka 27 jela, Lakini ninavyopenda wake za watu sitaacha kuua. Hivi sina muda tangu nitoke huko jela hivyo nina ukame wa punda na nilipokuona moyo wangu ukakudondokea. Na nitatulia na wewe.

MKE: Heee! Haiwezekani jamani!!….jamaa akaendelea kuvua nguo alipomaliza mdada akaanza kujitahidi kuning'iniza mkono ili mumewe atoke uvunguni aje kumuokoa, mume akabana kimya, kila mdada akijitihadi kupunga mkono hakupata jibu, mdada akalalamika mpaka jamaa akamaliza shughuli zake akatokomea.

MKE: Huku akilia, ndio nini umenifanyia? Mbona hukutoka??

MUME: We we we, Weeeee mama naniii!!.. mwenyewe umesikia keshaua 19 ulitaka niwe wa ishirini?

house girl

Mwajuma ambaye ni house girl aliomba aongezwe mshahara.

mama mwenye nyumba akamuuliza amuongezee mshahara kwa lipi analofanya? mazungumzo yakawa hivi.

Mama: sasa  Mwajuma , ni kwanini unasema hivyo wataka uongezewe mshahara, kwa sababu zipi za msingi??

Mwajuma : mama, kwa kweli nina sababu tatu 3 za msingi kwanini

ninahitaji uniongeze mshahara.

"kwanza, mimi naweza kunyoosha nguo zaidi yako?"

Madam: "eeeh! na ni nani kakwambia hivo??"

Mwajuma : Baba kasema hivyo

apo mama akawa mdogo akaitikia tu

Mwajuma : "Pili, naweza kupiga zaidi yako"

Mama: "sasa Kiboga naona unaleta upuuzi, nani kakudanganya unaweza kupika zaidi yangu nami ndio nimekufundisha??"

Mwajuma : "baba huyo kasema"

dah apo mama akazidi kuwa mdogo, akauliza

"ya tatu je?"

Mwajuma : " mi ni zaidi yako kwenye mapenzi pia"

apo mama akili ikamruka uwiiiii...kwa unyoonge kabisa..!!

Mama: "na hiyo ni baba amesema??"

Mwajuma : "hapana mama sio baba, dereva wa baba ndio kaniambia hivyo"

mama: nitakuongeza mshahara mwanangu, hata usiwe na hofu.

He isn't your Father

Son : Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl.

Father : That's great son. Who is she?

Son : It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter.

Father : Ohhh I wish u hadn't said that. I have to tell u something son,

but u must promise not to tell ur mother.

Sandra is actually ur sister.

The boy is naturally bummed out;

but a couple of months later :

Son : Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!

Father : That's great son. Who is she?

Son : It's Angela, the other neighbour's daughter.

Father : Ohhhh I wish u hadn't said that.

Angela is also ur sister.

This went on couple of times nd son was so mad,

he went straight to his mother crying.

Son : Mum I am so mad at dad!

I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!

The mother hugs him affectionately and says :

My love, u can date whoever u want.

He isn't your Father

 

Madereva wa Maboss

Kulikuwa na maboss marafiki sana, siku moja wakiwa wametoka kila mmoja akawaanasema dereva wake ni mjinga na haya ni mazungumzo yao.

Boss 1: aisee nakuambia sijawahi ona dereva mjinga kama huyu niliyenaye!

Boss 2: aaaaah we waongea nini……….huwezi amini huyo dereva niliyenaye yaani hamnazo kabisa.

Wakaendelea kubishana kila mmoja akisema dereva wake ni mjinga zaidi ndipo ikabidi wathibitishe kwa kila mmoja kuonyesha ujinga wa dereva wake.

Boss 1 akamuita dereva wake.

Boss 1: eeeeh chukua hii elfu 20 nenda kaninunulie FLAT TV inch 50 dukani!

Dereva: sawa boss, vp niilete huku au nipeleke nyumbani?

Boss 1: ukiweza kununua ilete hapa.

Dereva akaondoka, boss 1 akasema: waona alivo mjinga yaani hata hajui kua kwa shilingi elfu 20 huwezi kupata FLAT TV INCH 50.

Wakacheka, Boss 2 akasema sasa ngoja umuone dereva wangu alivyo mjinga.

Boss 2: hebu nenda nyumbani kaniangalie kama nipo!

Dereva: sawa bosi

Dereva akaondoka, Boss 2: waona alivyo mjinga, mimi nipo hapa alafu ataenda nyumbani kuniangalia kama nipo

Wakacheka na kusema kweli huyu mjinga.

Upande wa pili wale madereva wakakutana na kuanza kuongea.

Dereva 1: huwezi amini sijawahi fanya kazi na Boss mjinga kama huyu.

Dereva 2: bora wewe mi wangu ni punguani kabisa hata sijui kapata wapi ubosi.

Dereva 1: sasa sikia kaniita sahivi ananiambia niende nikamnunulie FLAT TV inch 50, wakati anajua fika kabisa kua leo ni jumapili na jioni hii hakuna duka lililowazi kama sio ujinga ni nini??

Wakacheka!
Dereva 2: hahaha aisee ila hata hivyo hafikii kwa upunguani wa bosi wangu, eti kaniita pale ananiambia niende nyumbani kwake nikamuangalie kama yupo, ilhali anasimu pale angeweza tu kupiga kwa mkewe nyumbani amuulize kama yupo au lah na sio kunisumbua mimi mpaka niende kwake naharibu mafuta tu...!! 

Mvuta bangi mmoja

Mvuta bangi mmoja alikwenda kijiweni akiwa uchi. 

Akawauliza masela

"suti yangu imenipendeza eeh? "

Wakamjibu 

"ndiyo, ila tai umeivaa chini sana!" 

MTU mmoja alifariki na kwenda jehanamu.

MTU mmoja alifariki na kwenda jehanamu. Kufika huko akakuta kuna jehanamu tofauti tofauti kwa kila nchi. Akaamua kuzunguka zunguka ili aweze kuipata jehanamu yenye maumivu kidogo zaidi.

Akaiendea jehanamu ya Ujerumani. Akamwuliza mtu aliyemkuta mlangoni. "Wanakufanyaje ukiingia humu?"

Akajibiwa. "Kwanza wanakuweka kwenye kiti cha umeme kwa saa moja, kisha wanakulaza kwenye kitanda cha mizumari k

wa saa moja nyingine. Kisha anakuja shetani wa Kijerumani anakucharaza bakora kutwa nzima."

Mtu huyo hakuipenda kabisa jehanamu hiyo. Akaamua kujaribu jehanamu za Marekani, Uingereza, Urusi na nyinginezo nyingi. Lakini akagundua kuwa zote zina adhabu sawa tu na jehanamu ya Ujerumani.

Kisha akaifikia jehanamu ya Tanzania. Akastaajabu kuona kuna foleni ndefu kweli ya watu wakisubiri kuingia humo. Kwa mshangao usiosemekana akauliza, "Jamani kwani humu wanawafanyaje?"

Akajibiwa, "Kwanza wanakuweka kwenye kiti cha umeme kwa saa moja, kisha wanakulaza kwenye kitanda cha mizumari kwa saa moja nyingine. Kisha anakuja shetani wa Kitanzania anakucharaza bakora kutwa nzima."

Akazidi kustaajabu. Akauliza, "Lakini mbona kinachofanyika humu ni sawa kabisa na kinachofanyika kwenye jehanamu zingine, sasa kwa nini hapa kuna foleni kubwa sana watu wote wanakimbilia huku?"

Jamaa mmoja akamshika mkono. Akamvutia pembeni. Akamnong'oneza, "Watu wanakimbilia huku kwa kuwa jehanamu ya Tanzania haina umeme wa uhakika, unakatika katika kila dakika kwa hiyo kiti cha umeme hakifanyi kazi. Halafu pia misumari ilishalipiwa lakini wala haijaletwa na mzabuni kwa hiyo kitanda cha humu ni raha tu kukilalia. Na jambo jingine ni kuwa shetani wa Kitanzania alipokuwa duniani alikuwa mtumishi wa umma. Kwa hiyo ameshazowea kufika ofisini na kusaini kitabu cha mahudhurio na kisha kuondoka zake kwenda kufanya shughuli zake binafsi."

‎2030,IBADA MAKANISAN ZITAKUWA IVI

PASTOR:"Bwana asifiweeee!"

WAUMINI:"Ameeeen."

PASTOR:"Haya,tafadhalini sasa toeni;iPad,tablet na simu zenu,ingieni google msearch Yohana 3:16 msome.
Pia washeni bluetooth zenu ili muweze kupokea mahubiri.
Kwa wanaotumia Facebook,Twitter,BBM na Whatsapp mnaweza kuendelea kupokea mahubiri kupitia accounts zangu.Msiwe na wasi mnaweza kutumia Wi-Fi ya kanisa kwa uhuru........Halleluuuuuuyah!"

WAUMINI:"Ameeeeni."

PASTOR:"Wapendwa sasa ni wakati wa kutoa sadaka,kama hukubeba cash unaweza tumia Credit card,pia hapo nje karibu na choo kuna ATM machine ya KCB,Equity, NMB,CRDB,CBA,na Baclays unaweza enda kuwithdraw pap! Uje mtolee mungu......Pia unaweza kutoa sadaka kupitia Mpesa na Airtel Money kwa namba unazoziona kwa screen.

WAKATI WA MATANGAZO.
PASTOR:"Matangazo ni kama yafuatavyo:-

*Wiki hii jumatano saa kumi tutakuwa na ushirika{fellowship} katika group yetu ya facebook...tafadhali msikose kulogin huo wakati.

*Siku ya Alhamisi kutakuwa na mafundisho ya bibilia moja kwa moja kupitia Skype.

*Kama una tatizo unahitaji maombi tafadhani andika kwenye wall yangu ya fb...ama ni poke nitakukumbuka kwenye maombi.

*Kwa mahubiri na mafundisho zaidi nifollow katika twitter.

 

happy birthday babyyy!!

Boy: happy birthday babyyy!!

Girl: Aww thank you sweetheart, what you get me?

Boy: it was a surprise, but you remember that pink Mercedes you wanted so bad?

Girl: OMG OMG OMG ! YES YES YES! I’M SCREAMING RIGHT NOW OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Boy: well, I got you a toothbrush, same color.

MPAKA FIRIGISI NA SHINGO

Mapacha walipenda kula kuku na chpsi,siku moja pacha wa kike akamwambia yule wa kiume"KUKU WAMENIAMBUKIZA MANYOYA".yule wa kiume akamwambia nionyeshe akamvulia chup* (akaona nywele za huko zimeanza kuota)...
WA KIUME:- naye akamwambia hata mimi wameniambukiza akamwonesha pacha wake,
WA KIKE:- "Haaaa! WEWE WAMEKWAMBUKIZA VIBAYA MPAKA FIRIGISI NA SHINGO!"

Mtanzania na mkenya

Mtanzania na mkenya waliingia supermarket moja jijini DSM.Walipotoka nje,mkenya akawa anajigamba kwamba wakenya ni wajanja kuliko wa-TZ huku akimuonesha m-TZ chocolate tatu alizokwiba supermarket.M-bongo akamshawishi mkenya warudi tena ndani ya supermarket ili naye akamuoneshe ustadi wake.Walipofika tu ndani,m-TZ akamwambia mhudumu,'nataka kukuonesha mazingaombwe,hebu niletee chocolate tatu!'.Yule mhudumu akamletea chocolate tatu,jamaa akazila zote mbele ya mhudumu halafu akasema,'unaona mhudumu,mwenyewe umeshuhudia nimekula chocolate tatu lakini amini usiamini,chocolate zako ziko mfukoni kwa huyu jamaa'.Mhudumu akamkagua mkenya mfukoni then akachukua chocolate zake zote tatu.

nimefika sehemu ya kukata vitunguu

Mke wa mtu alikua akisoma sms kutoka kwa mpenzi wake ghafla alijikuta akitokwa na machozi baada ya mpenzi wake kumwambia mapenzi yao yamefikia mwisho,mumewe akamuliza nani kakutumia sms?mke akajibu dada ,mume akauliza anasemaje?Mke akajibu ananieleza jinsi ya kupika pilau,mbona unalia?Mume akauliza,,,Ananielekeza jinsi ya kupika pilau ;si nimefika sehemu ya kukata vitunguu!!!!!

what did you name him?

A woman, who was pregnant with twins, got into a car accident and went into a coma… She was rushed to the hospital where doctors delivered her twins to save them. But as she was in a coma and her husband was overseas on business, her brother was the only one present to name her children.

When she came out of the coma, hours after arriving at the hospital and found out that her brother had named the twins, she was very worried. Her brother was not very bright, and she didn’t think he would have done a very good job of choosing her kids’ names.

When he came in to see her she asked, “So what names did you choose for my children?”

He replied, “The first born was a girl.”

“Oh,” started the woman, “and what did you name her??”

“Denise,” answered her brother.

The woman was very surprised, and very pleased, “Hey, that’s not half bad!” She exclaimed to her brother. “And what did you name the second child?” She waited excitedly to hear the name her brother had chosen for the other child.

“Well, the next born was a boy,” her brother informed her.

“Yes, and what did you name him?” inquired the woman.

Replied the brother, “Denephew.”

mahari yake utaiweza

Ebana kuna jamaa huku kaenda kutoa posa sasa kufika nyumban kwao yule bnt mazungmzo yakawa kama ifuatvyo;
KIJANA-Mzee mimi nimekuja kumchumbia mtoto wenu!
MZEE-Sawa kijana lakin mahari yake utaiweza?
KIJANA-Aaah taja tu mzee wangu haina tatizo maana nimempenda mwenyewe!
MZEE-OK. ni tsh milioni tu.
KIJANA-Nini...!! millioni 2! wakati nyumba ya jirani apo yupo wa laki 1 tu na ana mimba tayari!!!!

mbona umeanguka

Kichaa alipanda juu ya mti ya mwembe tokea asubuhi, kila mwalimu wake akimwambia ashuke anagoma, Ilipofika jioni akanguka, mwalimu akamuuliza vipi tena mbona umeanguka?
Kichaa: nimeiva.

HIGH SCHOOL

Mwalimu wa vichaa alinzisha shule chini ya mti kwa vichaa wake, akawacha waendelee kusoma alipo rudi baada ya siku tatu akamkuta mmoja wao yupo juu ya mti akamuuliza vipi? mbona upo huko juu?
Kichaaa: nipo HIGH SCHOOL

Safi sana safi sana mwanangu

Jamaa kaingia chuo katikati ya simesta kaishiwa akamuandikia baba yake barua. 'Chuoni mambo mazuri sana, kuna maajabu hapa maprofesa hapa wamegundua njia ya kufundisha mbwa kuongea, mlete Bobi na shilingi laki 5, baada ya muda atakuwa anaweza kuongea. Mzee wa watu haraka akatuma mkwanja na mbwa, haikuchukua muda mkwanja ukaisha. Denti akamtumia baba yake barua nyingine kuwa wameboresha program sasa wanaweza kumfundisha mbwa kusoma, mzee aongeze milioni mbili tu. Mzee wa watu aliyekuwa tayari anajisifu kijiji kizima akauza ng'ombe akatuma mkwanja. Likizo ikafika Denti akabaki anawaza anaenda kumwambia nini baba yake. Alipofika tu baba yake akamuulizia Bobi wake. Denti akamuita baba yake pembeni,' Baba hili nitakalokwambia sitaki mama asikie'. Baba akauliza,'Vipi tena?'. Denti akaanza,' Jumapili iliyopita tumeamka vizuri na Bobi, yeye kama kawaida yake akaenda kuchukua gazeti la Mzalendo na kukaa kwenye kiti na kuanza kusoma, ghafla wakati anasoma akaniita akanambia hivi baba yako bado anaendelea na kale kachangudoa ka pale mtaa wa pili? Nilishtuka'. Baba akaingilia kati,'Ungemuua hapo hapo mbwa mshenzi huyu anataka kuniharibia mambo yangu?', Denti akajibu,'Baba na mimi lilinijia wazo hilohilo sikumchelewesha nikamtwanga nyundo ya kichwa'. Baba akamsifu mwanae, 'Safi sana safi sana mwanangu'

mtoto hachezi tumboni

Mjamzito kaenda hospitali akakutana na daktari aliyegoma mazungumzo yakawa hivi:
Mjamzito: Dokta mtoto hachezi tumboni tangu juzi sijui nifanyeje!

Daktari: Meza kitenesi na filimbi, ukiona bado hachezi meza kadi nyekundu atoke nje kabisa

DEGREE YA UDAKTARI CBE

Mvulana; Unasoma?
Msichana: Hapa sisomi, vipi wewe unasoma?
Mvulana: Ndo namalizia kidato cha nne jangwani

Msichana: Jamani hiyo si shule ya wasichana?
Mvulana: aah, sorry nimechanganya nipo kisutu
Msichana: Mweeembona nayo ya wasichana?
Mvunala:haah aah nilikua nakutania tu nachukua masters VETA
Msichana: ina maana VETA imeanza kutoa masters?
Mvulana: Ishia zako demu mwenyewe mbaya kama nini...unaniuliza maswali kama tupo uhamiaji?
KWA TAARIFA YAKO NACHUKUA DEGREE YA UDAKTARI CBE.

Vipi Mvua Imeisha?

Kuna Jamaa alifiwa hivyo akaenda kununua jeneza, baada ya kulinunua akakodisha pick-uk 

na akakaa nalo. Njiani kuelekea msibani mvua ikanyesha sana, jamaa akaingia ndani ya jeneza kujikinga na mvua. Njiani watu waliomwomba dereva lift ili nao wafike msibani, wakapanda nyuma kwenye pick-up nao wakakaa nyuma pamoja na jeneza. Kufika kwenye foleni si jamaa akafunua jeneza akauliza "Vipi Mvua Imeisha?". watu wote ndukiii...

your wife had accident

POLICE:- "Sir your wife had accident
please come and identify the body"
HUS:- "Am busy now you take a photo
and tag me on FACEB00K if its her I
willl click LIKE"

wasichana wa zamani

wasichana wa zaman walijua kupika kama
mama zao, wasichana wa siku hizi ni walevi
kama baba zao.

Mabinti wenye adabu

Kuna makabila mengine mabinti wanalelewa kuwa na adabu na shukurani kwa kila wanachopewa. Si nimeona mdada kaipigia magoti ATM wakati anachukua pesa.

Jost na Abdal walikuwa wakifanya kazi

Jost na Abdal walikuwa wakifanya kazi ofisi moja wakiwa na bosi wao wa kiume ambae kila siku alikuwa anawahi kuondoka ofisini. siku moja majamaa wakapanga  bosi akiondoka tu na wao wafunge ofisi.
Abidal akafurahi kutoka mapema siku hiyo na kupitiliza moja kwa moja bar kupata ulaji, Sasa Jost ile kutoka tu akarudi hom fastaa ili akamsuprise mkewe, ile kufika tu akasikia sauti za ajabu chumbani kwake..akanyata taratiibu hadi mlangoni, taratiiibu akafungua mlango ili asisikike, ile mlango kufunguka akamuona bosi wake na mkewe kitandani wanafanya vitu vyao..akaurudishia mlango na kuondoka.
Kesho yake ofisini Abidal akawa anataka waondoke tena mapema kama jana, ..Jost akajibu..."ah kudadeki nenda wenyewe, me jana bosi bado kidogo tu anidake"

NIACHENI KAMA NILIVYO HAYA NDIO MAISHA YANGU

Kuna jamaa alipata ajali
mbaya sana kwa bahati nzuri
hakufa sema bajaji ilimbana
kwenye mti na kumfanya
azimie.Watu walikuwa
wanapita bila kumpa msaada
unajua kilichomponza ni nini?
Kwenye bajaji yake kwa nyuma
aliandika hivi "NIACHENI
KAMA NILIVYO HAYA NDIO
MAISHA YANGU"

Wavuta bangi wawili

Wavuta bangi wawili walikuwa wanaangua embe sasa baada ya kurusha mawe mengi bila ya mafanikio, mmoja wao akasema ngoja niende nikaliangalie isije ikawa embe lenyewe ni bichi basi akapanda juu ya mti kisha akalicheki afu akashuka chini akamwambia mwenzake, nimelibonyeza limeiva mwanangu kwa hiyo tuendelee kuliangua

Kizungu ni noma duh!

Kizungu ni noma duh!.. Jamaa katumiwa msg na demu wake kutokana na urefu wa msg ikashindwa kufika yote mwishon ikaandika "some text missing" jamaa kizungu hajui hvyo maneno ya mwisho hakuyaelewa maana yake lakin akahc litakua neno la kimahaba, kusudi aonekane mjanja akajibu "some text missing too dear"

There are 50 bricks on an airoplane

Boss: There are 50 bricks on an
airoplane. If u drop 1 outside. How
many are left? Employee : That's easy,
49.Boss : What are the three steps to
put an elephant into a fridge?
Employee : Open the fridge. Put the
elephant in. Close the fridgeBoss :
What are the four steps to put a deer
into the fridge? Employee : Open the
fridge. Take the elephant out. Put the
deer in. Close the fridge.Boss : It's
lion's birthday, all animals are there
except one, why? Employee : Because
the deer is in the fridge.Boss : How
does an old woman cross a swamp
filled with crocodiles? Employee : She
just crosses it because the crocodiles
are at the lion's birthdayBoss : Last
question. ………. In the end the old lady
still died. Why? Employee : Er....I guess
she drowned?Boss : No! She was hit
by the brick fallen from the airoplane.
…

Oscar alikuwa na mke wa rafiki yake gest,

Oscar alikuwa na mke wa rafiki yake gest,
ghafla simu ya huyo mwanamke ikaita.

mwanamke: Haloo , ok, sawa, alaaaa , ok have a
nice time jamani msalimie mwambie na mimi
mnitoe out siku moja. Ok sweety, miss you.
Oscar:Nani huyo?
Mwanamke:Mume wangu huyo, ananambia yuko
na wewe Morogoro mmeamua kulala huko leo.

mlevi alikuwa anatembea

mlevi alikuwa anatembea akaangukia kwenye pipa la takataka, makalio yakabaki juu na huku suruali imemshuka, baada ya muda akapita kicha alipoyaona yale makalio akaenda kuyashika, akaondoka akisikitika huku anasema kweli huu mtaa wa matajiri, matako mazima kabisa yametubwa kwenye takataka.

mpumbavu mkubwa wewe

mlevi alimuamsha mkewe usiku ampeleke chooni, mkewe akakataa mlevi ikambidi aende mwenyewe alivyo rudi akamwambia mkewe choo umekiwekea marembo na wewe mwanamke kwa kupenda vitu vya kisasa,
mkewe akamuuliza gani umeona mpaka wasema hivyo?
mlevi: akasema nilivyo ingia chooni taa iliwaka yenyewe na nilivyotoka tu taa ikajizima
mkewe:mpumbavu mkubwa wewe ushalikojolea friji langu

I don’t want to catch that crap AGAIN!!!"

Guy had sex with a girl without a condom
and the girl didn't really notice, after they were
done...
Girl : "Did u use a condom???"
Guy: "No.."

Girl: "Oooh, God, do u have AIDS???"
Guy: "No baby, i just checked last week..."

Girl: “Thank God , I don’t want to catch that crap
AGAIN!!!"

Abdalh alimwona mrembo

Abdalh  alimwona mrembo akitaka kujirusha mtoni alikua kavaa vizuri, miniskirt ndogo kweli. Abdalh
akamwambia, kabla hajajiua, ampe busu akapewa busu
mdomoni.
Abdalh, "mrembo, mbona unataka
kujirusha mtoni."
mrembo akajibu, "kwasababu
wazazi wangu hawapendi mimi nivae kama mwanamke.! "Hehehe Abdalh kusikia hivyo si akajirusha mtoni.

mwalimu alikuwa clas

Siku moja mwalimu alikuwa clas anafundisha ghafla akajamba kwa aibu akaomba likizo ya miezi mitatu ili watoto wasahau, ilipo isha akarud clas kufundisha akawauliza wanafunz 2lishia wap wanafunz wakasema si pale ulipo jamba?

je wew unamjua George?

Baba alikuw amekaa sebulen mtoto wake akawa ametoka shule aka msalimia baba akamwambia mwanae unasoma kwel mwanae akamwambia ndio baba baba akamuliza 11 x 11=na ngap?mtoto akajibu 1111!baba akasema kwel mwanang hauko makin na masomo!baada ya dakik chache mtoto akamuuliza baba, je wew unamjua George? baba akamwambia simjua basi mtoto akamwambia baba yake na wewe haupo makini na mama.

Una mke?

Jamaa kakaa zaidi ya mwezi mmoja bila mashine yake kusimama ikabidi aende hospitali.
Jamaa: Dkt ninamwezi mmoja mashine haijasimama
Dkt: Una mke?
Jamaa: Hapana
Dkt: Una demu?
Jamaa: Hapana
Dkt: Unajichua au unafanya starehe yoyote kwa kutumia hii mashine?
Jamaa: Hapana
Dkt: We mpumbavu nini, sasa unataka isimame utundikie koti au? Hebu toka hapa

Mateja

mateja wanne walikuwa wamekaa wanataka wavute bangi sasa wakamtuma mwenzao akatafute kiberiti, aliyeenda kuchukua kiberiti akazunguka vichochoroni mpaka akatokezea tena pale kwa mateja wenzake,
TEJA : oya wana mnakiberiti hapo?
Mateja wa 3: kunamtu tumemtuma subiri anakuja hapa sasa hivi.
basi wakakaa kumsubiri huyo mtu .....

Baba Na Mwana

Baba; nilete soda we motto

Jost; pepsi or coka?

Baba; pepsi

Jost; ya kopo ya chupa?

Baba; ya kopo

Jost; ya baridi or yamoto?

Baba; hee! we mtoto mbna maswali mengi....basi bwana ni letee maji tu

Jost; ya hapa hom or nika nunue kwa mangi?

Baba; ya hapa hapa

Jost; ya baridi ya moto?

Baba ; ya baridi

Jost; kwenye glasi or kikombe?

Baba; ntakupiga na ufagio we motto

Jost; ufagio wa chelewa au wa mti?

Baba; nitakuuwa we motto!

Jost; utaniuwaje sasa, utanichoma kisu au utanipiga na
bastola?

Baba; ntakupiga na bastola

Jost; kichwani au tumboni?

Baba; kichwani...NIMEKWAMBIA TOKA NJE

Jost; saiv au baadae kidogo?

Baba; sasa ivi

Jost; maji hutaki?

Baba Na Mwana

Baba; nilete soda we motto

Jost; pepsi or coka?

Baba; pepsi

Jost; ya kopo ya chupa?

Baba; ya kopo

Jost; ya baridi or yamoto?

Baba; hee! we mtoto mbna maswali mengi....basi bwana ni letee maji tu

Jost; ya hapa hom or nika nunue kwa mangi?

Baba; ya hapa hapa

Jost; ya baridi ya moto?

Baba ; ya baridi

Jost; kwenye glasi or kikombe?

Baba; ntakupiga na ufagio we motto

Jost; ufagio wa chelewa au wa mti?

Baba; nitakuuwa we motto!

Jost; utaniuwaje sasa, utanichoma kisu au utanipiga na
bastola?

Baba; ntakupiga na bastola

Jost; kichwani au tumboni?

Baba; kichwani...NIMEKWAMBIA TOKA NJE

Jost; saiv au baadae kidogo?

Baba; sasa ivi

Jost; maji hutaki?

Mahakamani

hakimu:-ww mama kwani ulimpiga mmeo na kiti?
mama:-kwa sababu nilishindwa kunyanyua meza.....

Boy asked a girl in a library

A Boy asked a girl in a library; "Do you
mind if I sit
beside you". The girl answered with a loud
voice I
DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH
YOU!!!". All the students in the library started
staring at the boy and he was
embarrassed. After a couple of minutes,
the girl walked quietly to the boyy's table
and said to him "I study psychology and i
know how men think, I guess you felt embarrassed after what i did, right? The
boy with a loud voice said "1000 dollars
just for one night, that's a lot of money!!!!
While everyone in the library looked at the
girl in shock, the boyy whispered in her ears
"I study law and I know how to make someone feel guilty..

könda hakunirudishia chenchi

Daladal moja ilipat ajali maeneo ya darajan gar likaingia mton wakaj wat kuwaokoa bahat nzur kijan mmoj akaokolewa mzim akatole kweny maj baad ya dakik 5 yule kijan akapiga mbiz kweny maj wat wakamuuliz vip tena unaend wap? kijana akawambia nimekumbuka könda hakunirudishia chenchi kwa hiyo naend kumtafuta anipe chenchi yangu!

Na mimi si nitafiwa tu

Jamaa alienda kwenye msiba wahusika wakamnyima chakula wakamwambia hichi ni cha wanandugu watakula jioni, jamaa akaondoka kwa hasira huku akisema hamna shida na mimi si nitafiwa tu.

We mtumiaji wa Facebook we UNAPATA DHAMBI

• Upo kwenu tandale unakula ugali then una update status eti at sea clif having my lunch. UNAPATA DHAMBI
• Upo kitandaji hata hujala na huna uhakika wa kula, unaweka picha ya minyama na mikuku unasema karibuni. UNAPATA DHAMBI
• wewe unamiaka 20 na unadate na babu wa miaka 60 then unasema umemmis beiby wako,yule ni beby wako au babu yako. UNAPATA DHAMBI
• upo ubungo bus terminal unasema upo Mwal nyerere int airport. UNAPATA DHAMBI
• una mke na watoto Lakin bado unatongoza wanawake na umeandika upo single. UNAPATA DHAMBI
• Umekunywa maji tu alafu unatoka na stick mdomon UNAPATA DHAMBI
• Yan wewe upo feri alafu unapost status at samaki samaki, kwa kwa vile umewaona wengi hapo UNAPATA DHAMBI
• Umeacha shule darasa la pili lakini kwa profile yako umeandika umemaliza UDSM. UNAPATA DHAMBI
• We siunaitwa Chaupele Jipu! Mbona umeandika Elizabeth Prosper? UNAPATA DHAMBI

my homework

Student A: My teacher caned me for something I didnt do?
Student B: Thats so bad.
Student A: Well, I didnt do my homework. 

My teacher has gone crazy

Kid: My teacher has gone crazy Mom.
Mother: Why do you think so?
Kid: Yesterday he said that 3 times 4 is 12. Today he is saying that 12 is 6 times 2. 

method with example

Maths mis: A=B, B=C, So A=C.
Prove this method with example.

Student: Mis, I love u. U love ur daughter. So i love ur daughter,
Thats all mis 

I am bad at math too

Teacher: Tom! I know you are bad at spelling. That’s why I told you to write down this sentence 10 times. Why did you write only 4 times?

Tom: Sir, I am bad at math too. 

our pet dog is same

Jon and Ron are brothers. Their teacher told them to write an essay about Dog. After checking the essays the teacher said,

'Why both the essays are the same?'

Ron: Sir, our pet dog is same. 

Another frog

Teacher: Tell me an example of a creature which can live on water as well as the land.

Student: Frog.

Teacher: Another example.

Student: Another frog. 

I will be a typist

Teacher: Ron, your handwriting is very bad. You will suffer in the future.
Ron: Don’t worry Sir. I will be a typist. 

ship of salt sinked

Teacher: Why does sea water tastes like salt?
Student: Maybe a ship of salt sinked a long time ago

In this class, Sir.

Opening the book in the class, the teacher asked, 'So, where were we?'

Student: In this class, Sir.

next exam

Ben got 100 out of 100 in the exam. So the teacher gave him a gift and said,

I hope you will do the same in the next exam.'

Ben: Thank you Sir. I hope you will also print the question paper from my uncle’s printing shop next time.

Sun or Australia

Teacher: Which one is closer, Sun or Australia?
Student: Sun
Teacher: Why?
Student: We can see the sun all the time, but can’t see Australia

I don’t talk when I sleep

Teacher: Robin, I always see that when I start teaching in the class, you always talk with your friends.

Robin: But Sir, I don’t talk when I sleep. 

sinking in the water

Teacher is explaining to the student,
'if you see someone sinking in the water, you should pull his hair to save him from the water. It will be easy for you.'

Student: but sir, if it happens to you, we shouldn’t help you.

Teacher: why?

Student: because you don’t have any hair.

I am not a milkman

Math teacher: Tell me Jenny, if a milkman mixes 2 litres water and 1 liter milk, he will get 3 litres. What will happen if he mixes 6 litres of water and 3 litres milk?

Jenny: I am not a milkman, how can I solve it? 

anaefanya kazi kwa Mungu

Mchungaji alikwenda kumtembelea muumini wake, akagonga mlango mtoto wa muumini akafungua mlango," Hujambo mtoto? Mama yako yupo? Hebu mwite"  (Mtoto akaita kwa nguvu),'Mama mama yule anaefanya kazi kwa Mungu kaja.

coins fall down

Teacher: Suppose, you have 4 coins in your pocket and there is a hole in the pocket. All the four coins fall down from that hole. What will you have in your pocket?

Student: A hole. 

What does your father do?

A new student came to the class. After asking his name the teacher said,
'What does your father do?'

Student: Whatever Mom says. 

why doctors wear a mask

Teacher: Sir, why doctors wear a mask when they do an operation?

Student: For safety. If the patient dies, others can’t find out who did the operation. 

money and knowledge

Teacher: Suppose, you have offered money and knowledge. You have to take one of them. Which one you should choose?

Student: Money.

Teacher: I would have taken knowledge. But why do you take money?

Student: I have the lack of money that’s why. You have the lack of knowledge. That’s why

who discovered Africa

Teacher: Gwen, come here and point out Africa from this globe.

Gwen: here

Teacher: Correct! John, who discovered Africa?

Class: Gwen!!