hold her for me. I'm going for yours

A guy sits in a taxi and sees his
wife entering
a
hotel with another man, and tells
the driver(akpos).
Do you want to Earn $500 right
away ?,,,,
The driver(akpos) excitedly said what do
I have to
do ?..
Bring my wife by the hair out of
that hotel,
here's
a picture of her.
After a while the driver(akpos) is seen
dragging a
woman
by the hair,
While kicking and beating her
and puts her in
the
Taxi.
And the husband says to him,
"This is not my
wife" the driver(akpos) replied "
Nooooo , this is
mine,
hold her for me. I'm going for
yours"!

The two pastors fainted

Three pastors met & agreed to sincerely tell each other their problems which must be kept a secret between the three of them.
The first pastor(Johnny) said; my problem is money l do steal even from the church offering. Please pray for me. The second pastor(emeka); mine is women. Whenever l see any woman my desire will be to go to bed with her, infact l have slept with most of the church (female) members. Turning to the third pastor(Akpors) to hear his problem he started crying (it took his friends some effort to calm him). When they asked him to continue, he was still crying, he said my problem is gossiping, when we leave this place everybody will hear all what the two of you have just told me. Please pray for me!
The two pastors fainted.

alibaba and the 40 thieves

Four guys were discussing about thier wive's.
The first guy said "when my wife was pregnant she read,the novel: the 2 cities and gave birth 2 twins". The second guy said, my wife read the 2 musketeers and gave birth 2 triplet. Akpos stood up and started running heading home when asked why? he then said "my wife is pregnant and she's reading alibaba and the 40 thieves.

Money isn't everything

Money, money, money

It can buy a House

But not a Home

It can buy a Bed

But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock

But not Time

It can buy you a Book

But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position

But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine

But not Health

It can buy you Blood

But not Life

So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering...

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

I won't go for that umbrella!

Three tortoises, Tinku, Teku and Toku, went into a restaurant. Each of them ordered a large ice cream sundae. They were waiting for their order when they noticed that it was pouring with rain outside.

"We are going to need our umbrellas," said Toku. Tinku agreed. They both decided that Teku should run home to get the umbrellas, but he didn't want to go in case they ate his ice-cream while he was away. But Toku and Tinku promised that they would do nothing of the kind, so Teku set off.

One week went by and Teku did not return. Two weeks went by and still he did not appear. Halfway through the third week, Tinku turned to Toku and said, "Come on, let's eat his ice cream."

"Okay, let's," said Toku.

Just then Teku's voice piped up from under the next table, "If you do, I won't go for that umbrella!"

cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home.

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"

The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"

The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision."

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"

God said He never spoke to you yesterday

Teacher fell asleep in class and
a little naughty boy walked up
to him,
Little boy: "Teacher are you
sleeping in class?"
Teacher: "No I am not sleeping in class."
Little boy: "What were you
doing sir ?"
Teacher: "I was talking to God."
The next day the naughty boy
fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him...
Teacher: "young man, you are
sleeping in my class."
Little boy: "No not me sir, I am
not sleeping."
Angry teacher: "What were you doing.??"
Little boy: "I was talking to
God."
Angry teacher: "What did He
say??"
Little boy: "God said He never spoke to you yesterday."

NIWEKEENI KESHONTANYWEA CHAI

BABU KAJA MJINI KWA
MWANAE TOKA KIJIJINI,
JIONI KAKARIBISHWA
MEZANI KWA CHAKULA
AKALA AINA 4 ZA
CHAKULA NA MATUNDA
AKASHIBA MARA
AKASIKIA "WE JOYCE
MLETEE BABU TISHU NA
TOOTH STICKS" MZEE
KAROPOKA JAMANI
NIMESHIBA, HIZO TISHU
NA TOOTH STICKS
NIWEKEENI KESHO
NTANYWEA CHAI,
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Baunsa

Baunsa alienda kutibiwa mgongo kwa doctor.
DOKTA: Ilikuwaje mpaka ukapata mshtuko wa uti wa mgongo?
BAUNSA: Nilipoingia home alfajiri nikitokea kazini,nilisiki­a makelele
chumbani kwangu nikajua mke wangu yupo na mwanaume
mwingine,nikaza­ma chumbani kwa spidi lakini sikumkuta mtu,mara nikasikia mlango wa
sebuleni umefunguliwa kwa fujo,nilipochun­gulia kupitia
dirishani nikamwona mtu anakimbia huku anavaa shati,nikachuku­a fridge nikamrushia nikiwa ghorofa ya tatu,hapo ndipo niliposhtua uti wangu wa mgongo.......
Alipomaliza tu kauliyake,akain­gia mgonjwa mwingine kaharibika kama kagongwa na gari.
DOKTA: Na wewe nini kimekusibu?.
MGONJWA 1: Nilisahau kuweka alarm asubuhi nikachelewa kuamka kwenda
kazini,kazi yenyewe niliajiriwa jana tu baada ya kukaa jobless kwa muda mrefu,nikatoka nje huku navaa nguo,mara nikapondwa na fridge kichwani.......
Mara akaingia mgonjwa wa tatu akiwa na halimbaya kuliko waliomtangulia.
DOKTA: Na wewe nini tena Yarabi?
MGONJWA 2: 'Doctor,mimi nilikuwa nilitaka kufumaniwa nikajibanza ndani ya fridge,mara ghafla lile fridge likabebwa na kutupwa kutoka ghorofa ya tatu mpaka chini..
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Kwenu

1.Naskia una sura mbaya mpaka ukijiangalia kwenye kioo kinaandika Please wait...
2.Dada zako ni wabaya hadi mmeweka tangazo getini eti oa m1 upate wa2 bure.
3.Wewe ni mweus hadi ukibeba mtoto anasinzia akizani giza limeingia
4.Kwenu mko wengi hadi mtoto wa mwisho anaitwa etc
5.Damu yako tamu mpaka mbu huja na vitafunio
6.Kwenu mko wengi mpaka babako akiingia anasema 'hamjambo wananchi'
7.Kwenu kuchafu mpaka inzi na mende huvaa malapa...! Kweli?
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wahuni wa pale wana roho mbaya

Mtoto wa kike alimwambia mama yake: Mama wahuni wa pale wana roho mbaya, nimewaambia waniangulie maembe wakaniambia nipande mwenyewe. Mama akajibu: wale walikua wanataka kukuchungulia tu chupi yako. Mtoto akajibu: aah unafikiri sina akili ! Nilivua kwanza halafu nikapanda juuu

Sasa neno sukari lipo wapi?

Mwalimu: Hamadi tunga sentensi ukitumia neno SUKARI. Hamadi: Asubuhi nilikunywa chai na mkate. Mwalimu: Sasa liko wapi neno sukari apo? Hamadi: Ndani ya chai.
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uchague kati ya Hela na Akili

Mwalimu: Kama nikikuuliza wewe
uchague kati ya Hela na Akili
utachagua nini?
Mwanafunzi: Nitachagua hela.
Mwalimu: Hahaha...Ningec­­hagua
Akili
Mwanafunzi: Sawa,Kila mtu
anachagua asichokua nacho!
Mwalimu: Aaaaarggh!!**
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huo ndio msaada wangu

Baba alimwandikia barua mwanae aliefungwa jela kwa wizi.
Baba; mwanangu,mwaka huu nitashndwa kulima viaz kwa kukosa msaada wako.
Mtoto:tafadhal ucdhubutu kulima hilo shamba baba maana ndipo nilipoficha pesa zote nilizoiba,Polisi walivyoona ile barua kesho yake wakaenda kulitifua lile shamba lote, wakazikosa zile pesa,Mtoto akamwandikia barua nyngne baba yake.
Mtoto:huo ndio msaada wangu pekee nnaoweza kukusaidia,sasa unaweza kupanda viazi...
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ngoja nirudi toka Songea

Jamaa kaaga kwa mkewe anaenda Songea kwa wiki nzima,kumbe kahamia kwa mchuchu nyumba ya pili toka kwake,..
siku ya kwanza akalala,asubuhi­ alipoamka akamua kuchungulia kwake kukoje,si akamuona jamaa yupo nje ya nyumba yake kavaa taulo
lake anapiga mswaki bila wasiwasi! akapiga ukelele, "Allo we nani?", Jamaa akajibu, "Ahhh mshikaji mambo ya mjini, mume wa huyu
demu kasafiri kaenda Songea huko,mi ndo navinjari hapa".Mume akajibu kwa uchungu, "Shenzi mkubwa, ngoja nirudi toka Songea
nikikukuta nakuuwa"
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Lakini Una Uhakika Muuaji Yupo

Mwalimu mpya wa Historia kabla ya kuanza kufundisha alitaka kuwapima uwezo wanafunzi kwa Kuwauliza swali kama ifuatavyo.
Mwl: Eeehe ! Ni Nani Aliyemuua Chifu Mkwawa?
Mwanafunz 1: Aka Sio Mimi !
wa 2: Wallah ! Sihusiki !
wa 3: Kwanza Me Jana ckuja Shule!
Mwlimu Alipoona Wanafunzi Wote niwajinga kabisa akaamua Kumuita Mkuu Wa Shule ajekushuhudia ujinga wa wanafunzi wake,akampa lile swali mkuu wa shule iliakawaulize wanafunzi, Mkuu Wa Shule Alipoenda akawauliza Lile Swali "kwa vitisho" Mambo Yakawa Vilevile. Ndipo Alipomuita Mwalimu Pembeni Na Kumnong'oneza "Lakini Una Uhakika Muuaji Yupo Darasa Hili?"
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Black n Yellow

Girl : I like ur teeth
Boy : oh really?
Girl : yes, they remind me of a song
Boy : thanx so much! which song
Girl : Black n Yellow
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thank God i didn't step on it

A Tanzanian man watering hiz
garden while its raining!

2. A Kenyan man saw a mango
in a tree then climb up to
confirm if its ripe and gets down
and start stoning at it!

3. Scientific saw something like
shit and touched it with his
fingered and tested it on hiz
tongue to see if ts really shit,
then says! "Oh, Its really human shit,
thank God i didn't step on it".
...
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I'm, Just, Kidding

A girl asked her boy to describe
her
Boi : U are ''A B C D E F G H I J
K''
Gal : what does that means??
Boi : "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute,
Delightful, Elegant, Fairly,
Gorgeous & Hot"
Gal : "Ooh,thta's lovely, what about 'I, J and
K?"
Boi :" I'm, Just, Kidding"
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Do you mind if I sit beside you

A guy asked a girl in a library; "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?

The girl answered with a loud voice; "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!".

All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and she told him

"I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt em
barrassed right?"

The guy responded with a loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

...and all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears,

"I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty
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CHUMBA CHA KUTAHIRIA WANAUME

Mwizi alibomoa nyumba akaingia kwenye moja ya vyumba akaona vinyama kwenye kibakuli vilivyokauka, akaonja kimoja akaona ni kitamu kina chumvi chumvi!
Akafurahi akakaa chini akala vyote alipomaliza akaangalia juu ya mlango akaona pameandikwa CHUMBA CHA KUTAHIRIA WANAUME!!
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wasomi au wazungu?

Jamaa kaenda kuomba kazi ya ulinzi..akaambi­wa awe amemaliza form 4 pia awe anajua kingereza..nae akauliza wanaokuja kuiba ni wasomi au wazungu?
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Rich alikuwa amelala
na mkewe saa nane usiku
wakaamshwa na mtu
akipiga hodi mlangoni
kwao.
Wakabishana nani
afungue....hati­maye Rich
akaenda kufungua mlango
akiwa na usingizi mwingi,
akamkuta jirani yake mlevi
mlangoni.
Rich: "Nini tena mkubwa
mbona kuamshana saa
hizi?"
MLEVI: "Naomba uje
unisukume.."
Rich akajua labda gari la
huyu mlevi imekwama kwenye
tope, akamwambia, "Subiri
nivae viatu." Baada ya
kuvaa viatu akatoka na
kuanza kuandamana na
mlevi.
Mlevi akaongoza njia
mpaka kwenye mabembea,
akakaa kwenye bembea
mmoja, akamgeukia
Rich na kumwambia,
"Okay nisukume sasa".
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darling

Jombaa kasafiri na mkewake kwenda moshi baada kufika moshi jamaa akawa anamwita mke wake moshlig mke wee mbona toka tumefika hapa moshi unaniita moshlig jamaa mbona wee tukiwa dar unaniita darling
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wake za watu walikuwa kwenye semina

Kundi la wake za watu walikuwa kwenye semina
kuhusu namna ya kuishi kwa upendo katika
ndoa. Muwezeshaji akauliza, wangapi
wanawapenda waume zao? Wote wakanyoosha
mikono. Akauliza tena, 'Mara ya mwisho
umemwambia mumeo nakupenda lini?. Majibu
mbalimbali yalitolewa, Wengine wakisema Leo,
wengine Jana, wengine hawakumbuki. Kisha
akawaambia, kila mtu achukue simu yake halafu
amtumie mumewe text yenye maneno.
NAKUPENDA MPENZI, kisha wabadilishane simu.
Wakaambiwa kila moja asome majibu kwenye
simu aliyoshika, majibu yalikuwa kama
ifuatavyo;
Simu 1- Samahani nani mwenzangu?
Simu 2- He Mama Joji unaumwa?
Simu 3- Nami pia daima
Simu 4- Nini tena umeshagonga gari?
Simu 5- Sijakuelewa una maana gani
Simu 7- Umefanya nini tena? Leo
sitakusamehe
Simu 8-Chukua taim yako
Simu 9-?!?
Simu 10- Acha kuzunguka unataka shilingi
ngapi?
Simu 11 – Hivi naota?
Simu 12 – Kwa kweli leo usiponieleza hii mesej
ulikuwa unampelekea nani atakufa mtu shenzi
mkubwa
Simu 13 – Nilishakwambia usirudie kunywa
pombe au ntakuacha naona umechoka kuishi na
mimi
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Watanzania wavivu

Watanzania wavivu jamani,hebu sikiliza kisa hiki. Wezi wawili walivamia bank na kufanikiwa kuiba mabunda ya hela, kufika nyumbani mmoja akamwambia mwenzie "hebu zihesabu tujue ni bei gani!" mwenzie akamjibu mimi nimechoka tusubiri taarifa ya habari ya saa 2 watatangaza ni kiasi gan tumeiba
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MAJIBU YA MAKONDA WADALADALA

1. wewe Dada unaturingia nini na
matiti yako mawili nje nje, mbwa
pia ana matiti nane na
haturingii!!!!
2. Ka wafikiri Una haraka sana
Shuka ukimbie.
3. Nauli kulipa lazima ,Chenji
Nikikumbuka.
4. Ka unataka siti ungekuja na kiti
chako...
5. Hatujasema wewe ni Mnene ila
Ukikalia SITI mbili Lipia....
6. usifungue dirisha ungetaka
upepo ungepanda pikipiki..
7. wewe Dada hebu sogea hukoo,
Unaringa nini wakati asubuhi hii
umeoga na sabuni ya kuoshea
vyombo...
8. ________________
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Mpenzi King'amuzi kipya tayari

Mke wa fundi ving'amuzi alikuwa kapelekwa hospitali tayari kujifungua na hatimaye akajifungua na akamu SMS mume wake: "Mpenzi King'amuzi kipya tayari".
Fundi akaruka juu kwa furaha ya kujua mkewe kishajifungua salama, na yeye akamjibu kwa SMS: "Hongera mke wangu mpenzi. Vipi kina
ANTENNA!!!
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dakika 50 zijazo

Mlevi katuma meseji kwa mke wake
"Darling nipo bar napata mbili tatu,
nitarudi nyumbani ndani ya dakika 50 zijazo,
ukiona kimya we soma tena hii meseji"
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Umbea Noma

bint kakaa kwenye daladala anaandika SMS, huku kashika kibegi chake. Mzee m1 pembeni akawa anakomaa kuangalia bint anaandika nn! Bint kastukia, akaamua kuandika hiv:

"Yule nyoka utakua hujamtoa meno ya sumu, anasumbua kwenye begi anataka kutoka, cjui nfanyeje na alivyo mkubwa itakuaje?"

Mzee kuona vile akasogea pembeni; bint nae hakumchelewesha , akamrushia begi!

Mzee kakurupuka, kelele; Nyokaa nakufaaa!
Bint: ukome kusoma sms za watu.
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dawa ya kurudisha ujana

Wakati jamaa yuko china aliwatumia wazaz dawa ya kurudisha ujana...Baada ya mwez alirudi nchini na kupokelewa na dada mwenye mtoto mchanga...Jamaa akamuuliza dada, baba na mama wako wapi??
Dada kamjibu...
Mimi ni mama yako na niliyembeba ni baba yako yeye alizidisha dawa...
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sipati charger yake

Jamaa alipoteza simu yake akawa akiipiga haipatikani,baada ya siku ya 3 akajaribu kuipiga tena bahati nzuri ikaita
Mwenye simu:Halooo kama zali vile wewe ndio umeokota simu yangu?
Muokotaji:waoooh nilikutafuta bila mafanikio afadhali umepiga ili unipatie charger cause nimezunguka kariakor nzima sipati charger yake!
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sisi ni mke na mume

MUME: "Unajua mi unanishangaza sana, kila siku nakusikia mara useme TV yangu, gari yangu, chumbani kwangu, watoto wangu, sisi ni mke na mume, kila kitu ni chetu, jirekebishe bwana."
Mke akanyamaza kimnyaaaa anaendelea na shughuli zake za kupekua kabatini kama hasikii, na hakumjibu kitu mumewe!
MUME: Akamuuliza Kwa hamaki: " Sasa hapo unatafuta nini?"
MKE: "bikini yetu!!!!"
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Usikojoe hapa

Mlevi kakutwa akikojoa eneo la shule, mwalimu akamuuliza hilo bango linasemaje? Mlevi akajibu: USIKOJOE HAPA. Mwalimu: kwa hiyo hapo unafanya nini?! Mlevi: kutoka moyoni nilijua hilo ni jina la hii shule.
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