mtoto alikuwa anaomba mbele ya wageni.

"Eeh mungu baba bariki hawa
wageni wote walio nimalizia
chakula changu,pia wabaliki sana
wasiludi tena"pia mbariki na huyu
kaka aliye mnywesha dada
sonsage ya ndani ya suruali
yake ,pia bariki wasichana walio
kwenye simu ya baba wapate
nguo, usisahau kuwa balibi
wageni wanao kuja kulala na
mama wakati baba akiwa safarini
wapate kwao Amen!!

Silly Teacher Student Joke

Teacher: How old is your dad.
Student: He is as old as I am.
Teacher: How is it possible?
Student: Because he became a dad only after I was born.

Maths Joke

A teacher asked student, What is the full form of Maths?
The student answered, 'Mentaly Affected Teachers Harrasing Students'

Maths Joke

A teacher asked student, What is the full form of Maths?
The student answered, 'Mentaly Affected Teachers Harrasing Students'

unanionaje?

kulikuwa na wanandoa ambao ndio kwanza walikuwa wametoka kufunga ndoa karibuni. Siku moja mume alipotoka katika shughuli zake, mkewe akamwambia kuwa bomba la maji bafuni linavuna, mume akamjibu, mimi ni fundi bomba?
Siku nyingine mkewe akamwambia jamaa kuwa gari lake haliwaki hivyo akamtengenezee, jamaa kama kawaida yake na majibu yake, kwani mimi fundi magari?
Baada ya siku kadhaa kupita, mkewe kama kawaida akaleta shida nyingine kuwa paa linavuja. Kama kawaida akamjibu, unanionaje nimekaa kama fundi nyumba?
Siku iliyofuata alipotoka kazini alikuta kila kitu kimetengwenezwa na kuuliza kulikoni? Mkewe akajibu; nilipata mtu wa kunisaidia. Jamaa akajibu sawa nadaiwa shilingi ngapi? Mke akajibu. Hudaiwi hata shilingi kwa sababu alisema nimtengene keki au nifanye nae mapenzi kama malipo. Jamaa kwa wasiwasi akauliza. Umemtengenezea kekli ya aina gani? Mke akajibu, unanionaje, nimekaa kama mpika keki?

ulevi ni noma.

mlevi alikuwa anahojiwa na police kwa kosa la kugonga na kuuwa watu nane.
Police: ilikuwaje ukagonga?
Mlevi: gari ilipata pacha tairi zote za mbele na gari ilikuwa kwenye mwendo mkali likanishinda na mbele yangu kulikuwa na kundi la watu kumi na upande mwingine wa barabara kulikuwa na mtu mmoja.
Police: kwanini ulifuata hilo kundi la watu badala ya kumfuata huyo mmoja?
Mlevi: nilimfuata huyo mmoja tatizo na yeye akakimbilia kwenye lile kundi la watu.

nani muongo?

wanandoa walikuwa wanaishi nyumba moja kwa muda mrefu, siku moja mke hakurudi nyumbani hadi asubuhi aliporudi. Mumewe alipomuuliza akajibu alilala kwa rafiki yake. Mumewe akawapigia simu marafiki zake kumi, wote wakajibu hakulala kwao.
Baada ya miezi michache mume nae akarudi asubuhi, mkewe nae alipo muuliza akajibu alilala kwa rafiki yake. Mkewe akaamua kuwapigia marafiki zake kumi, nane wakajibu alilala kwao wakati wawili wakasema amelala kwao na mpaka sasa bado yupo kwao.

young woman went

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

You're not eating properly

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

results of the examination

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10..." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"10...9...8...7..."

bad news and some very bad news

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

second opinion

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

This is her husband

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Doctor, doctor

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"

wedding night

After the wedding night

A young man from Canada just married a beautiful girl. The day after the wedding night, friends of the groom meet him in the street and ask:

"So how did the wedding night go ?"

Oh no my friends, I wont tell you anything, it's really too intimate, "replied the young guy

"Dont be a pussy, tell us more!"

Well maybe you will not believe me, but she was mad at me! And excited with this. Quite simply, if I wanted, I could have screwed her !

married men

Why singles men are thin ? and why married men are fat? Just because the single, when he goes back home, he opens the fridge, he says "yuck !", and he goes directly to bed. While the married man, when he returns home, he looks in the bed, he says "yuck !", and he goes to the fridge.

tell me about marriage

Two girls are talking :

- I finally managed to get my boyfriend whom I've been dating for six years, to tell me about marriage.

- Really? And what did he say?

- Her name is Rose and they have three children.

Good idea!

A husband and wife are shopping together on a Saturday afternoon:

- Honey, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow: shall we offer her an electric appliance?

- Good idea! What do you think of an electric chair?

we wonder why

When a groom looks happy we know why. When a man married for 10 years looks happy, we wonder why.

coming back home

What is the difference between a bridegroom and a dog? After a year of marriage, the dog is still excited to see you coming back home.

I am married

Two soldiers are training:
-Why have you joined the army ?
"Because I'm single and I like war ... And you ?
I am married and I wanted peace!

utajua unakoenda

Jost aliingia nyumani kwake akipiga kelele za furaha sana akisema "yes, nimeshinda bahati nasibu ya milioni 100"
Mkewe akaitikia kwa kelele za furaha na kuuliza kwa hiyo nifungashe mabegi kwa safari ya wapi, Zanzibar, au mbuga za wanyama za serengeti?
Jost: Utajua unakoenda, ilimradi nisikuone tena.

Tatizo lipo wapi?

Jost alikwenda baa, akiwa mnyoge sana. mhudumu mmoja anayemudumia mara kwa mara akamuuliza; vipi mbona leo mnyonge sana?
Jost: unajua nina pesa nyingi sana, nina nyumba nzuri, na juzi tu nimempata mwanamke mzuri sana, ninampenda sana.
Mhudumu: sasa tatizo lipo wapi?
Jost: tatizo mke wangu ameshagundua vyote hivyo.

baba na mchumba wa kijana wake

kijana mmoja alimpeleka mchumba wake kumtambulisha nyumbani kwao. Alipofika tu baba yake akagundua kasoro, maana binti alikuwa mweusi sana, ana matege ya ndani na makengeza makali.
Msichana kuona hali si nzuri kwa baba mkwe ilibidi atafute njia mbinu ya kumvutia. akatabasamu kidogo, lahaula! kwani alikuwa na mapengo hana meno yote ya mbele, baba ilibidi aamue kumuita kijana wake pembeni ili waongee.
Baba: kijana wangu hepu twende nje kidogo
Kijana: Baba sema tu hapahapa mchumba wangu ni kiziwi.

Mtaji au Faida

Baba mmoja alikuwa anakabiliwa na kesi ya kumbaka bintiye, kesi ilikuwa hivi;
Hakimu: Mtuhumiwa unashitakiwa kwa kosa la kumuingilia binti yako kimwili kwa nguvu. Je ni kweli?
Mtuhumiwa: ndio hakimu ni kweli.
Hakimu: kwa nini ulitenda kosa hilo?
Mtuhumiwa: Ninaruhusiwa kutoa ufafanuzi na kuuliza swali?
Hakimu: Ruksa kama unaweza
Mtuhumiwa: Asante sana kwa kunipa nafasi hii hakimu, napenda kuuliza kuuliza kwa mfano umeanzisha biashara,ukauza ukapata faida wakati unaendeleakufanya biashara likatokea tatizo katika biashara ili kuimarisha biashara yako utachukuwa mtaji au faida?
Hakimu kimya.

Mpemba alianza kwa . . . .

Jamaa mmoja wa kipemba ambaye alikuwa hajawahi kupanda gari hata siku moja, alikuwa anasafiri kwa kutumia basi na kuamua kukaa kiti cha mbele kabisa karibu na dereva. kwa bahati mbaya dereva akasababisha ajali akafikishwa mahakamani, shahidi akawa mpemba.
Mpemba alianza kwa kusema; "tangu safari yaanza nkajua kuwa huyu si dereva. maana kunalijiti akikazana kuling'oaa (wakati dereva akiingiza gia) halafu akawa hatuliz nkono ikintetema saa zote (akizungusha usukani) njiani ni mbio tu kwa kufukuzana na miti, miti yenda  na sie twenda. niliposikia puu nkajua tayari ivooo, miti ishatugonga au sie tushaigonga.

sumu ya kumuua mtoto

Baba Ally aliona mkewe amepunguza mapenzi kwake, na ni baada ya mke wake kujifungua mtoto. basi akamua kutafuta sumu ya kumuua mtoto. Akaamka mapema akampaka mkewe sumu kwenye maziwa ili mtoto akinyonya afe. akaondoka zake kwenda kazini, aliporudi akakuta houseboy kafa.

go to sleep

Your future depends on your dreams, so go to sleep.

CHINESE PRODUCTS

A Tanzania  girl got married to a chinese, she become  pregnant and got a baby who died some days later. the girl was quoted crying "I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT ..." everyone was curious 2 know what she knew, finally she said. "I KNEW CHINESE PRODUCTS DO NOT LAST LONGER."

your monkey

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “There’s no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Baby Names

Posted in Funny Kids Jokes

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, “Mummy, why is my name Petal?”

The mother replied, “Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head.”

The next baby walked up and asked, “Mummy why is my name Rose?” she replied,

“Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head.”

The last baby walked up to her and said, “BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY.”

The mother replied, “Please be quiet, Refrigerator.”

What do I do if she’s ugly?

Matthew sets up Andrew to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Andrew is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

“What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Andrew, “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”

“Don’t worry.” Matthew says. “Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don’t, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack.”

So that night, Andrew knocks at the girl’s door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andrew’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, “Aaauuuggghhh!”

Women are Better than Men!

What is the similarity between a shrimp and a man? You can enjoy all but the head.

What is the similarity between a dolphin and a man? They are both said to be intelligent, but no one can prove this.

What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man? They both get hot in 15 seconds.

Why can’t a man be both good looking and intelligent? Because that would make him a woman.

Why is a man’s brain the size of a peanut? Because it is swollen.

Why are batteries better than men? Batteries have at least one positive end.

Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask directions.

Dating a Prostitute Joke

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover’s Lane.

When they get up there, she says, ”I have to be honest with you, I’m a prostitute .” The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it’s okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, ”I have to be honest with you now. I’m a cab driver and it’ll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.”

unless I see your ......

MAN: I’d like to buy some dog food.

CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?

MAN: Yes.

CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?

MAN: He’s at home.

CHECKOUT LADY: I’m sorry; I can’t sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog.

The next day, the man returns.

MAN: I’d like to buy some cat food.

CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?

MAN: Yes.

CHECKOUT LADY: Well… where is he?

MAN: He’s at home!

CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can’t sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.

CHECKOUT LADY: What’s in the sack?

MAN: Put your hand inside.

CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm… It’s warm and moist! What is it?

MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.

Three Pints of Guinness Joke

A man walks into a pub and says, “Give me three pints of Guinness, please.”

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we’re drinking together.”

The bartender thinks it’s a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy’s three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, “Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to just say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”

The man replies, “Oh, my brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”

Coco beach in Dar es salaam

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on Coco beach in Dar es salaam. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years… chatting, and enjoying each other’s friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, “Please don”t be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years. What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can’t.”

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, “How soon do you have to know?”

You Might Be a Schoolteacher if...

•you have no time for a life from August to June.

•you want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"

•when out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

•you refer to adults as "boys and girls."

•you encourage your spouse by telling them they are a "good helper."

•you've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.

•meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

•you believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the report card.

•you know hundred good reasons for being late.

•you don't want children of your own because there isn't a name you can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.

Questions you Hope your Pupils won't Ask you

·         Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of its bottle?

·         Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

·         Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

·         Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

·         Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

·         If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

·         If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

·         If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

·         If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

·         If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

·         If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

·         Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

·         How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

·         You know how most packages say "Open here"? What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

·         You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

·         What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?

·         When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

The ways to grade the final exams

Dept of Statistics:

All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept of Psychology:

Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept of History:

All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept of Religion:

Grade is determined by God.

Dept of Philosophy:

What is a grade?

Law School:

Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept of Logic:

If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Dept of Computer Science:

Random number generator determines grade.

Music Department:

Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

Dept of Physical Education:

Everybody gets an A.

sign down the road

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?

Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.

Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?

Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"

prove the earth is round

Teacher: Milton, how can you prove the earth is round?

Milton: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.

two rabbits

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?

Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

exactly what I said

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?"

"That's exactly what I said!"

My homework

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."

paying attention to me

Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?

Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!

go back tomorrow

What did you learn in school today?

Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!

spoiling all our fun

Mother: How was your first day at school?

Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!

someone already there

Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line?

Pupil: I tried, but there was someone already there!

get up early

Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?

Pupil: I get up early!

lowest mark I could give you

Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!

Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!

so great about that

Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine.

So what's so great about that?

It's snowing outside!

you bring it back

What would happen if you took the school bus home?

The police would make you bring it back!

In school

Son: I can't go to school today.

Father: Why not?

Son: I don't feel well

Father: Where don't you feel well?

Son: In school!

she didn't give me one

Mother: How do you like your new teacher?

Son: I don't. She told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn't give me one!

my father speaking

Pupil (on phone): My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.

School Secretary: Who is this?

Pupil: This is my father speaking!

wit ur tooth burush

Dad 2 son: wen i beat u how do u control ur anger?
Son: i start cleaning toilet.
Dad: how does dat satisfy u?
Son: i clean wit ur tooth brush.

By Mariam

The Coin Toss

By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started. "Why are you so late?" asked his friend.
"I couldn't decide between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin," said Bobby.
"But that shouldn't have taken too long." said the friend.
"Well, I had to toss it 35 times."

Some Really Smart Students

Teacher:  Name two states in the United States.
Mary:  Pick me! Pick me!
Teacher:  Mary?
Mary:  I'll name one Taylor and the other one Charley!
Teacher:  Joe, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
Joe:  Because you told me to do it without using tables.
Teacher:  Suzi, go to the map and find North America.
Suzi:  Here it is.
Teacher:  That's correct. Now, Bobby, who discovered North America?
Bobby:  Suzi
Teacher:  Jesse, why do you always get so dirty.
Jesse:  Well, you see, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
Teacher:  Glen, what is the chemical formula for water?
Glen:  H I J K L M N O
Teacher:  Where did you get that?
Glen:  Yesterday you told us it was H to O.
Teacher:  Barry, your essay about your dog is exactly the same as your brothers. Did you copy his?
Barry:  Ma'am. It's the same dog.
Teacher:  Donald, how do you spell crocodile?
Donald:  K R O K O D I A L
Teacher:  No, that's wrong.
Donald:  Maybe it is, but you asked me how I spell it.
Teacher:  Name one important thing that we have today which we didn't have ten years ago.
Wendy:  Me!
Teacher:  George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, but then admitted it. Does anyone know why his father didn't punish him?
Brian:  Because he still had the axe in his hand.
Teacher:  Danny, do you say a prayer before eating?
Danny:  No, ma'am. I don't have to. My mother is a good cook.
Teacher:  Jake, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Jake:  A teacher.

Child Psychology

A new teacher thought she would use what she learned in her psychology courses. She said to her class, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up."
After a few seconds, one boy stood. "Do you think you're stupid?" she asked.
"No, ma'am, but I just didn't want you to have to stand there all by yourself."

Ironing

A mother was ironing the clean laundry one day. Her son asked her, "Mother, why are you ironing those clothes?"
His mother said, "To make them nice and wrinkle free."
Her son said, "Then, why don't you iron Grandma's face?

Smart Mom

A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that.
"Why," asked the little girl.
"Because it’s dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs."
The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?"
Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy."
 The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!"
"Yup," said the mom.

The Police

A policeman was taking a vandalism report at an elementary school when he was interrupted by a six year old girl. She looked up and down at his uniform and asked, "Are you a policeman?"
"Yes, I am," he said.
"My mother told me that if I ever needed help I should ask a policeman. Is that right," the girl asked.
"Yes it is," said the policeman.
The girl extended her foot to the policeman and said, "OK, then, would you tie my shoe?"

Driving Skills

A woman in her 60s was driving with a friend. She went through a red light. The friend didn't say anything. But then she went through another one. The friend said, "Do you realize you just went through two red lights?"
"Oh," she said, "was I driving?"

Why Men Are Happier

Men can play with toys all their life.
Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.
Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.
Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.
Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.
Men's bellies usually hide their large hips.
Chocolate is just another snack.
The whole garage belongs to them.
Weddings take care of themselves.
Men's last name never changes.
Everything on a man's face stays its original color.
Men only have to shave their faces and necks.
Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.
Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.
For men, wrinkles add character.
Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase.
Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.
Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.
Men have one mood all the time.
A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental - 100 bucks
Men can open all their own jars.

Children

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Natural

Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.
Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.
A successful woman is one who can find that a man.

Future

A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.

Cats

Women love cats.
Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.

Arguments

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.
A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women

1. Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.  
2. That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.  
3. Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).
4. Five Minutes - If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.)
5. Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.  
6. Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)  
7. Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)  
8. Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)

sahani zinamzuia asionekane

jamaa ni mfupi mpaka ameamuwa kwenda kuwashukuru watu walio gundua kutunza kumbukumbu, alivyo mfupi kwao wangesha msahau maana hata akipanda juu ya meza wakati wanakula sahani zinamzuia asionekane.

aliona matiti ya mama yake

mtoto wa miaka minne
aliona matiti ya mama
yake, akamuuliza mama hayo ni nini?
mama akamjibu ni maputo
mwanangu, mtoto akasema jana
nilimuona baba akiyapuliza ya
house girl wetu kule jikoni.

OHHHHHH MY GOD! ARE YOU CRAZY?

Kampuni moja kapla ya kuajiri wafayakazi wapya ilimamua kuwauliza maswali ya ufahamu,marafiki wawili ambao walikuwa wakisaidiana walikubaliana aingie mmoja ambaye yuko vizuri kichwani ili akitoka ammezeshe mwenzie majibu ya maswali atakayo ulizwa.
Kwakuwa muda ulikuwa mdogo sana na wanafunzi walishagundua kuwa maswali yalikuwa yakijirudia basi yule jamaa aliyeingia wa kwanza alipotoka akaamua kummezesha mwenzie majibu tu.
SWALI LA 1 BY PROF: WHEN WAS TANZANIA INDEPENDENCE?
JIBU LA BRIGHT STUDENT: IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE 1960 BUT IT POSTPONED TO 1961 DUE TO MANY REASONS.
SWALI LA 2 BY PROF: WHO BROUGHT INDEPENDENCE?
JIBU LA BRIGHT STUDENT: SO MANY PERTICIPATED BUT IT WAS MWALIMU NYERERE AND KAWAWA WHO FINALISED IT.
SWALI LA 3 BY PROF: IT BELIEVES THAT IN MARS THERE ARE LIVING THINGS,DO YOU BELIEVE?
JIBU LA BRIGHT STUDENT: SOME SAY YES, SOME SAY NO BUT SCIENTISTS ARE STILL INVESTIGETING.

Sasa alipoingia yule kijana ambaye uwezo wake darasani haukuwa mzuri na kwakuwa alikuwa amekariri majibu tu ilikuwa ni patashika humo ndani ya chumba cha mtihani.
SWALI LA 1 BY PROF: WHEN WERE YOU BORN?
JIBU LA STUDENT MJINGA: IT WAS SUPPOSE TO BE 1960 BUT POSTPONED TO 1961.
SWALI LA RPOF: WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!! WHO IS YOUR FATHER BY THE WAY.
JIBU LA STUDENT MJINGA: SO MANY PERTICIPATED BUT IT WAS MWALIMU NYERERE AND KAWAWA WHO FINALISED IT.
SWALI LA 3 BY PROF: OHHHHHH MY GOD! ARE YOU CRAZY?
JIBU LA STUDENT MJINGA: SOME SAY YES,SOME SAY NO BUT SCIENTISTS ARE STILL INVESTIGETING.

DEFINITIONS OF A BACHELOR

One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.

One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.

One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.

One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.

One who can forget his mistakes.

One who can get into bed from either side.

One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.

One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.

One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.

One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt.

One who can't be Spouse-Broken.

One who can't stand the strain of a wife.

One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.

One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time.

One who failed to embrace his opportunities

One who is a free male.

One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.

One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.

One who is known as a Dame Dropper.

One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.

One who knows all the ankles.

One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.

One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash.

One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a Bachelor.

One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.

One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!!

One who looks, but does not leap.

One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.

One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.

One who never makes the same mistake once.

One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.

One who never Mrs. Anything.

One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"

One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding.

One who prefers ripe tomatoes with little dressing.

One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.

One who travels fastest in a parked car.

One who tries to avoid the issue.

One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip.

One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.

One who washes only one set of dishes.

One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.

One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.

One who won't take `Yes' for an answer.

One who would rather change girls than change their names.

One who would rather cook his own goose.

One who would rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck.

One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.

IDENTICAL TWINS

Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less then a year later he was in court filing for a divorce.

"Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said.

"Well, Your Honor," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.

"Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce!"

MEN ARE LIKE AUTOMOBILES

Man is like an automobile.

As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low.

The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top.

The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose.

The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant recharging.

But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.

Gentlemen... start your engines!!

HOW TO ASK A MAN TO DO SOMETHING

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".

Binti wa Kinyakyusa

Binti wa kinyakyusa hata kabla hujaanza kutia neno, ile unamsalimia: dada vipi? Huku umekaziwa jicho la taharuki Utasikia, 'fipi kifipi, we!'

mnahitaji kitu chochote cha ziada

Mume na mke walipokelewa mizigo hotelini na mhudumu mpaka chumbani. Kisha mhudu akauliza ''mnaweza mkawa mnahitaji kitu chochote cha ziada?''

Mume akajibu: ''asante, hamna.''

Mhudumu akauliza tena ''labda mkeo atahitaji kitu?''
mume akajibu: ''oh, nashukuru kwa kunikumbusha, mnauza kucha za kubandika?''

we chizi kweli, si mimi huyu

Walevi wawili wakiwa njiani waliokota kioo kidogo cha make-up hali ikawa hivi wakati wanajiangalia:

Mlevi One: Hii sura si ngeni ila jina sikumbuki kabisa.

mwenzake akamnyang'anya na kujiangalia kisha akasema hivi:
Mlevi Two: Aaah, we chizi kweli, si mimi huyu.

yakilomita 300 toka nyumbani kwangu

Dokta alimshauri jamaa akimbie kwa siku 30 ili apungue uzito.
Siku 30 baadae jamaa kwenye simu alimpigia dokta, "dokta asante sana nimepungua uzito na hata unene pia, ila sasa ntarudije nipo zaidi ya kilomita 300 toka nyumbani kwangu na nimechoka sana na sina hata hela?"

Mental mmoja alikua ghorofa ya 50, chini kulikua na mwanamke mnene. Alikua akimuona mdogo kama gololi.
Akashuka ghorofa kadhaa kwa awamu uku akizidi muona mkubwa. Alipofika chini akaenda mkumbatia.
Mdada mnene: We ni nani?
Mental: Nimekufahamu tangu ukiwa mdogo kama gololi.

safari ya kwenda kwa babu

Hakuna zawadi nzuri kipindi hichi kama kumzawadia mtu safari ya kwenda kwa babu, lakini mimi nakuzawadia safari ya kwenda kijijini kwa babu yako. maana umesahau kama na wewe unababu, ukisikia jina babu tu tiyari unamuwaza wa loliondo tu.

inawezekana kutabiri jambo la mbele

Mwalimu aliuliza darasani, "inawezekana kutabiri jambo la mbele?"
Mtoto mmoja akajibu, "ndio! Mama huwa akiangalia daftari langu la hesabu huniambia, subiri baba yako arudi uone."

Tunahifadhi mambo ya zamani

Jamaa mmoja akipiga simu ofisi ya Makumbusho ya Taifa: "Haloo, hapo ni Makumbusho ya Taifa?"
OFISI: "Ndio, tukusaidie nini?"
JAMAA: "Ok, naomba mnikumbushe mwaka juzi saa yangu niliipoteza wapi?"
OFISI: "Pumbavu! Hiyo sio kazi yetu..!"
JAMAA: "Sasa makumbusho mnakumbusha nini?" OFISI: "Tunahifadhi mambo ya zamani."
JAMAA: "Ahaa... kumbe saa yangu mtakuwa nayo..!"

akija na mananasi

Jamaa watatu walikuwa wakisafiri kupitia kwenye msitu mnene na kwa bahati mbaya wakakutana na majitu yanayokula watu na yakawakamata. Yale majitu yakawaambia 'sisi tuna mtihani ambao ukifaulu tunakuacha uende zako, la ukishindwa unaliwa.'

Basi yale majitu yakawatuma msituni wakiwa chini ya ulinzi kukusanya kila mmoja wao matunda kumi ya mti watakaochagua.

Baada ya muda mfupi mmoja wao akawa amefanikiwa kurudi na matunda aina ya Apple. Akaambiwa mtihani mlionao ni kuhakikisha kuwa unakula matunda yote kumi kwa kumeza bila kutafuna, moja moja lakini usionyeshe hisia yeyote katika uso wako.

Yule aliyekuja na apple akaogopa mno lakini akajizuia kuonyesha hofu yake, wakati huo huo yule wa pili akawa anakuja na matunda yake mkononi aina ya rasberry ambayo ni madogo na hayana kokwa. Yule wa kwanza alipoweka apple mdomoni kwake lilimzidi kinywa na hivyo akagugumia maumivu kwa hiyo akaliwa mara moja.

Huyu wa pili kuona hivyo akazuia hisia zake za hofu kubwa na akapewa mtihani ule ule wa kula matunda hayo moja baada ya jingine. Kutokana na udogo wa matunda hayo na kuwa hayana kokwa ndani alikula bila matatizo mpaka tunda la tisa.

Alipofika tunda la tisa akaangua kicheko kikubwa mno kwa ghafla hivyo na yeye akaliwa mara moja.

Mara wakajikuta wako ahera yule wa kwanza na wa pili. Yule wa wa kwanza akashangaa sana na kumuuliza 'imekuwaje wewe umeshindwa kula vile vijitunda?' Huyu wa pili akajibu na kusema ' nilimwona jamaa yetu wa tatu akija na mananasi'

Tofauti kati ya Wahehe na Wasambaa

Tofauti yetu kubwa kati ya Wahehe-Iringa na  Wasambaa-Tanga ni kuwa wahehe wao ni 'nakusage sambi sako mwenyewe' afu unapiga mtama ndo unamaliza mambo wakati wasambaa ni kuwa wakati unamvua binti nguo upande huu,binti huwa anakataa kata kata huku akikusaidia kuvua upande wa pili,yaani kazi kweli kweli!

mtihani alofanya mtoto wa kihindi

Hii ilikutwa kwenye mtihani alofanya mtoto wa kihindi wakati akijibu
maswali ya methali


swali; bandu bandu.....
Jibu: Iko dugu yake patel iko nakaa bombay


swali: Mtaka cha uvunguni......
Jibu: Iko na binua tanda


swali: Simba mwenda pole....
Jibu: Iko fungwa na yanga


swali; simba akinguruma...
Jibu: Yanga yote nakimbia


swali: Zimwi likujualo....
Jibu: Iko fata veve hadi jumbani yako

Problems with my new computer

Letter from Jost to Mr. Bill Gates

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,


We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some
problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request
you to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any 're -scooter' is available in system? I
find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost
the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button,
but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Mi crosoft
sentence', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one
icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will povide the remaining
items?

6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not
even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use
the PC at home only

8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past
Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide
'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after
my office hours.

10. Last one to Mr. Bill Gates: Sir, how is it that your name is Gates
but you are selling WINDOWS...?

tumeokota mtoto wa kichina

Kuna siku polisi wawili wa kiTZ katika matembezi yao waliokota mtoto
wa mwezi mmoja mwenye sura ya kichina.Wakashauriana nini cha kufanya
na kupata jibu.Kesho yake asubuhi wakaenda kwenye chuo kimoja
kinachotoa mafunzo ya lugha mbalimbali na mahojiano yalikuwa hivi:
polisi; tunahitaji kujifunza lugha ya kichina.
Mwalimu:kwa nini mmeamua kujifunza kichina.
Polisi: tumeokota mtoto wa kichina hivyo tunataka akianza kuongea
tuweze kumuelewa anachosema.

Nani Mwoga?

siku moja mtu na mkewe walikuwa wanabishana ni nani muoga kuliko mwenzie, mume akasema mke ndio muoga zaidi na mke akasema mume ndio muoga zaidi. wakaamua kuwauliza watoto wao.
Baba: jamani kati yangu mimi na mama yenu nani muoga zaidi?
Mtoto wa kwanza: mama ndio muoga kwa sababu anaogopa hata kutoka nje usiku baba akiwa amesafiri.
Mtoto wa pili: mimi naona baba ndio muoga zaidi, maana anaogopa hata kulala peke yake mama akiwa amesafiri anamuita dada (msichana wa kazi) analala nae hadi asubuhi.

Fundi Bomba.

fundi bomba alikuwa akitengeneza bomba la bafuni nyumbani kwa Zena. Zena akamfuata na kumwambia "naweza kuoga wakati wewe ukila chakula cha mcahana?"
Fundi akajibu: "bila shaka unaweza, ila tahadhari maji yasiingie kwenye chakula changu.

lina habari motomoto

Jonh alinunua gazeti na kwenda nalo nyumbani Asha, alipo fika akaliweka kwenye friji. Asha akashangazwa na jambo hilo na kuamua kumuuliza Jonh, "mbona umeweka gazeti kwenye  friji?"
Jonh: "wameandika lina habari motomoto, acha  zipoe kidigo nizisome.

Yesu Wangu

Mapadre wa kanisa moja walikuwa wanasafiri kwa basi lakini kabla ya kuanza safari yao kiongozi wao akawaambia , "mkiona mwanamke amevaa vibaya, anatembea kwa mwendo wa majaribu wa kishetani, msimwangalie sana bali mtake msaada wa Bwana kwa kusema 'Yesu Wangu'".
Safari ikaanza, baada ya dakika kadhaa padre mmoja akasema "Yesu Wangu". wenzake wote wakajeuka wakitizama nje na kumuuliza, "yupo wapi?"

Sehemu gani ya mwili mtu akifa inaenda mbinguni?

Mwalimu aliuliza swali wanafunzi wa chekechea wakawa wanajibu.

Mwalimu: Sehemu gani ya mwili mtu akifa inaenda mbinguni?

Mwanafunzi 1: Roho ndio inaenda.

Mwanafunzi 2: Moyo.

Mwanafunzi 3: Miguu.

Mh! Mwalimu alistuka akauliza "enhe kwa nini miguu?"

Mwanafunzi wa 3 akajibu...

"Jana nliona mama kanyoosha miguu juu uku akisema "oh God am coming...
Huku baba kamlalia juu asiende"

utaendelea kuitwa Punda hivyo hivyo

Siku moja punda alienda kwa SIMBA 'mfalme wa mbuga' kushitaki wenziwe
wanaomcheka na kumuita PUNDA, jina hili la punda hakulipenda kabisa
kwa sababu wenziwe wanasema jina hilo ni kwa ujinga mwingi alonao huyo
punda ndipo akaitwa punda. Mazungumzo yao yakawa hivi:
Simba: Wacha nikupe mtihani mdogo kupima akili yako kama kweli wewe ni
mjanja na mwerevu kama wenzio, ukishinda mtihani huu nitakubadili jina
na kukuita Farasi.
Punda: Nipime ujanja wangu na utanikuta ni mwerevu sana kushinda
wenzangu.
Simba: Sawa, sasa nenda mbiooooo mpaka nyumbani kwangu ukaniangalie
nipo huko au sipo nyumbani mwangu? Halafu urudi unipe jibu.
Punda: Kazi rahisi sana hiyo, nisubiri hapa nakuja sasa hivi.
Basi bwana Punda akatoka mbio hadi kwa nyumbani kwa mfalme kwenda
kumwangalia kama yupo.
Kweli Punda zuzu, sasa anakwenda kumwangalia nani wakati mfalme
mwenyewe amemuacha njiani.
Aliporudi mambo yakawa hivi:
Simba: Enhee vipi umenikuta?
Punda: Mh! Haupo.
Simba: Basi kama ndivyo, utaendelea kuitwa Punda hivyo hivyo kutokana
na akili yako ndogo. Sasa umekwenda kwangu kunitafuta vipi wakati
umeniacha hapa? Haya potea hapa haraka sana, Punda wewe! Kuanzia hapo
jina la Punda linabaki kuwa hivyo hivyo!!!

Shuka nikumeze

Mama mmoja alikuwa akiishi ghorofani peke yake lakini alikuwa muoga
sana . Siku moja asubuhi wakati anashuka kuelekea chini akasikia sauti
ikisema, Shuka nikumeze! Shuka nikumeze!
Mh! Yule mama kusikia vile moyo ukaanza kumwenda mbio akijua kwamba
kuna jitu kubwa ambalo ndilo linalomwambia hivyo na kwamba kweli
akishuka litammeza.
Basi akaamua kupiga simu polisi ili waje wamsaidie. Haikupita muda
polisi wakafika nyumbani kwa yule mama wakiwa wamejikoki vizuri huku
wakiwa na silaha nzito.
Cha ajabu sasa walipofika wakakutana na kichaa mmoja mdogo kadhoofika
akiwa amelala chini ya lile ghorofa, kamasi zikimtoka mithili ya dawa
ya mswaki iliyominywa huku akiimba Shuka nikumeze! Shuka nikumeze,
akimaanisha kamasi zishuke azimeze!