bado yupo shule

Jost alienda kutoa posa kwa wazazi wa Anna, alipofika baada ya salamu mazungumzo yalikuwa hivi.

Jost: nimekuja kutoa posa nataka kumuowa binti yenu.

Wazazi: mbona mtoto wetu bado yupo shule?

Jost: poa, ngoja mi niende nitarudi akifunga shule.

Yes and no

Wife: Do you want dinner?

Husband: sure, what are my choices?

Wife: Yes and no

undying love

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Yes Dear.

Girl: Would you die for me?

Boy: No, mine is undying love

game went into extra time

Teacher: Peter, why are you late for school again?

Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

this soup tastes funny

Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.

Waiter: Funny? But then why you aren't laughing?

How old is your father?

Man: How old is your father?

Boy: As old as me.

Man: How can that be?

Boy: He became a father only when I was born.

no time for superstitions

1st thief: Oh! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!

2nd thief: But this is the 13th floor.

1st thief: Hurry! This is no time for superstitions.

call a lifeguard

Customer: Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.

Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Give the menu card

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.

Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

dead insect in my soup

Customer: Waiter, there's a dead insect in my soup.

Waiter: Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

I got a 100 in school today

Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"

"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy. "Come in to the living room and tell me about it." "Well, "began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."

do you serve beef?

Customer: Waiter, do you serve beef?

Waiter: please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

Is this my train?

Lady: Is this my train?

Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.

Station Master: No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

who is a pharmacist?

Teacher: who is a pharmacist?

John: raised up his hand

Teacher: so its only John that is the most intelligent student i have in this class?

So there is no body else to answer the question except John?

(there was no reply from the students)

teacher: ok now John, use this cane and flag them ten strokes of cane each....

John: full of happy gave all the student ten hot strokes of cane....

Teacher:  my dear John tell this dumb student who a pharmacist is...

John: A Pharmacist is a farmer who assist people.

Teacher: fainted

Condom

Condom aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
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sina nauli

Siku moja baba K alikuwa akisafiri kwa kutumia usafiri wa daladala, cha ajabu akiwa ndani ya gari hakukaa kwenye siti alikuwa akitembeatembea anaanzia kwa dereva hadi siti ya nyuma konda ikabidi amuulize vipi? mbona hukai kwenye siti? Baba K akajibu "sina nauli ndio maana natembea kwa mguu."
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KUWA NA MWANAUME HAMPENDI?

BABA MMOJA ALIPATA TAARIFA KUHUSU WATOTO
WAKE WA KIKE KUWA WANATABIA YA KUSAGANA
BABA BAADA YA KUPATA TAARIFA HIZO AKASHIKW
SANA NA HASIRA AKAWAITA WATOTO WAKE WOTE
PAMOJA NA WAKIUME AKAWAULIZA HIVI NYINYI
WATOTO WANGU WA KIKE KWANINI MNAPENDA
KUSAGANA HIVYO INAMAANA WANAUME HUKO NJE
HAMUWAONI EEE INAMAANA NYINYI KWANI KUWA NA MWANAUME HAMPENDI? AU HAMTAMANI KUOLEWA?
AKATOKEA MTOTO WAKE WA KIUME BABA MIMI
NAPENDA MWANAUME NA NINAKARIBIA KUOLEWA SASA.
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Hotel Management

Jamaa mmoja alimdanganya msichana kuwa anasomea Hotel Management. Siku moja huyo msichana akamkuta jamaa anaosha vyombo kwa Mama Ntilie akamuuliza baby vipi mbona uko hapa? Jamaa akajibu bila woga " Niko Field"
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msako wa leo ni kiboko

Polisi wakiwa katika msako mara wakamkamata mtu mmoja bila kujua kama ni chizi. Walipofika kituoni ukutani palikua na picha ya nyerere na kikwete, chizi akaanza kucheka alipoulizwa sababu ya kucheka akajibu: Ama kweli msako wa leo ni kiboko nyerere na kikwete nao wamo ndani!!!!!!!!!!????

Wizi Benki

Jambazi "wote laleni chini pesa ni
za serikali na maisha ni ya
kwenu",wote wakalala chini
... HII INAITWA DHANA YA
USHAWISHI-kubadilisha njia ya
kawaida ya kufikiria
-------------------------------------------
Kuna dada kwa woga akawa
amelala chini kimitego,
Jambazi "dada embu kuwa na
adabu chukua kanga jifunike hili ni
tukio la ujambazi na sio la
ubakaji.
HUU UNAITWA WELEDI-zingatia
ulichofundishwa kufanya
--------------------------------------------
Walipotoka kwenye wizi jambazi
mdogo ambaye ana shahada ya
uzamili ya biashara akamwambia
mwenzake,"tuzihesabu hizi
fedha,yule mkubwa akamcheka
kwa dharau na kumjibu,"wewe
mjinga sana hizo hazina haja ya
kuhesabu saa mbili watatutangazia
kwenye taarifa ya habari tumeiba
kiasi gani.
HUU INAITWA UJUZI-Sikuhizi ujuzi
ndio bora kuliko vyeti
-------------------------------------------------
Baada ya majambazi kuondoka
meneja akamwambia mhasibu wa
bank, " ujumlishie na zile milioni
80 tulizo iba sisi".
HUKU KUNAITWA KUOGELEA NA
MKONDO WA MAJI- kushabiihana
na mazingira magumu kwa faida
binafsi.
-------------------------------------------------
Mhasibu akafurahi na
kusema,"dah wizi ukitokea kila
mwezi itakuwa burudani sana.
HUKU KUNAITWA KUWA NA
MAWAZO CHANYA-Furaha ndio
kitu cha muhimu zaidi
-----------------------------------------------
Meneja kafurahi sana kwakuwa
sasa matatizo yake yametatuliwa
na wizi uliojitokeza.
HUKU KUNAITWA KUTHUBUTU-
shikilia nafasi psle inapojitokeza
hata kama ni hatari kiasi gani
-------------------------------------------
Haya usiku wake taarifa ya habari
ikatangaza kuwa wizi mkubwa sana
wa millioni 100 umetokea leo
benki kuu,
Majambazi kuskia hivyo wakaanza
kuhesabu zila pesa lakini
wakajikuta na milioni 20 tu.
Yule jambazi mkubwa akashtuka
na kusema, "dah! yani meneja
kaiba mara nne zaidi yetu bila
kuchezesha msuli bora umeneja
kuliko ujambazi".
HII INAITWA ELIMU- ishike sana bunduki na msuli

Dalili Za Mtu anaevuta Bangi

1.Ukiona mtu anapenda kutembea na vibiriti lkn sio mvuta sigara ujue kuna k2
2.Ukiona mtu anampenda bob marley lkn apendi reggae ujue kuna k2
3.Ukiona mtu anazungumzia kwenda south africa ikiwa hata nauli ya kumfikisha karaikoo hana ujue kuna k2
4.Ukiona mtu ugomvi wake wa silaha ujue kuna k2
5.Ukiona mtu aeleweki cku nyingine mpole cku nyingine mkali ujue kuna k2
6.Ukiona mtu anampenda tupac lkn apendi hip hop ujue kuna k2
7.Ukiona mtu____________­_. malizia na wewe.
#sio wote ila zaidi ya 99% ni bangi.

konda amekudai nauli?

Kuna msichana kilipanda daladala kikaenda kukaa
mwsho kabtha.
Lakin kwa mbele alimu0na m2 amefanana na boy
wake...alimtegea yule mtu ageuke ili upate
uhakika lakn yule m2 muda wote aliinamia simu
yake.
Ndipo uzalendo ulimshnda akamtext
"beby uko nyumban?"
"ndiyo vip kwan mbona unauliza?"
"nimepanda bajaji nw naenda mwenge huyu
dereva amefanana na wew sana"
"ooh dat guud...vip konda amekudai nauli??"
"mmmh kwanin?"
"nimemwambia akate wawili"

JAMANI UALIMU WITO

Mwalimu Mgeni aliingia darasani kwa mara ya kwanza na kuchora moyo ubaoni. Kwa kuwa hakuwa mchoraji mzuri, ule moyo ulionekana hovyo kabisa lakini kwa kujiamini akauliza wanafunzi nimechora nini?
MWANAFUNZI WA KWANZA: Matako!
MWANAFUNZI WA PILI: Umechora Matako Mwalimu!
MWANAFUNZI WA TATU: Hayo ni Matako kabisaaaaa!
Mwalimu kwa hasira akamwita Mkuu wa Shule kwa madai kuwa wanafunzi wanamfanyia mzaha darasani, ikawa hivi;
MKUU WA SHULE: Kwanini mnamfanyia Mwalimu mzaha?
WANAFUNZI WOTE: Hatufanyi Mzaha!
MKUU WA SHULE: Kama hamfanyi mzaha nani kachora hayo MATAKO Ubaoni???
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tuoane miaka mitano

Mke alikuwa akifanya usafi nyumbani
kwake,
kwa bahati akakuta kibox kidogo chini ya
mvungu wa kitanda, alipokifungua alikuta kuna
mayai matano na shilngi milioni mbili.
Mumewe aliporudi alimuuliza kuhusu kile kisanduku
na mayai ni ya nini?
Yule bwana akamjibu mkewe kwamba, alijiwekea
utaratibu kuwa kila akitoka nje ya ndoa ananunua
yai moja na kulihifadhi mle katika kisanduku.
Mkewe akiwa na furaha akamwambia duh! yaani
tangu tuoane miaka mitano iliyopita umetoka nje
ya
ndoa mara tano tu!
Kumbe wale walikuwa wananiambia kuwa wewe ni
malaya sana hawakuwa sahihi ni wachonganishi
tu...
Mke akauliza, haya na hizi shilingi milioni mbili ni za
nini?
Mume: Huwa nayauza yale mayai pindi yakiwa
mengi
na fedha naweka humo...!
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nakutumia kiss 100

Jamaa alihamia Dar tokea Mbeya kwenda kusaka life na kumwahidi wife kuwa atakuwa akimtumia fedha za mahitaji ya yeye na familia, sasa jamaaa akiwa Dar mammbo yakawa sioikabidi amtumie wife barua na kusomekahivi:-

Mpendwa mama wa watoto wangu,

Ni matumaini yangu kuwa u mzima wa afya pamoja na wanangu wote.

Hapa dar hali imekuwa ngumu na nimeshindwa kukutumia fedha za matumizi ya mwezi ila nakutumia kiss 100 kwani nakupenda sana.
Salimia familia kwaniaba yangu.

Mmeo mpenzi

Baada ya wiki mbili jamaa nae akapokea barua toka kwa mkewe ikisomeka kama ifuatavyo:-

Mme wangu mpenzi,

Kwanza pole na mihangaiko na hali ngumu uliyonanyo.

Kuhusu fedha usijali kwani nimezitumia zile kiss 100 ulizonitumia na ufuatao ni mgawanyo wake

1. Baba mwenye nyumba alivyokuja kudai kodi ya nyumba nilimalizana nae kwa kiss 35

2. Na Yule mangi wa pale dukani ambaye alikuwa ananidai fedha za baadhi ya majitaji ya nyumbani nimemlipa kiss 10

3. Maji na umeme walivyokuja kunidai nimewapa kiss 20

4. Mwalimu wa tution yeye amekubali kwa kiss 25

Usijali sana kwani mpaka sasa nimebakiwa na akiba ya kiss 10.

Nakutakia kazi njema na mafanikio

Mkeo kipenzi
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mke mwema anatoka kwa bwana

Jamaa aliulizwa na nduguye “utaoa lini” akajibui “nasubiri mke aliyeachika” nduguze wakashangaa sana wakamuuliza kwa nini? Akajibu “mke mwema anatoka kwa bwana.”

ngoja nirudi toka songea

Jamaa kamuaga mkewe anaenda semina songea kwaa wiki nzima kumbe kahamia kwa demu nyumba ya pili toka kwake. Siku ya kwanza kalala ilipofika asubuhi akachungulia kwake  kukoje, si akamuona jamaa yupo nje ya nyumba yake kavaa taulo lake anapiga mswaki. Akapiga kelele kwa sauti ya chini “we nani?” Jamaa kwa kujiamini akajibu,  “mshikaji mambo ya mjini haya, mume wa huyu demu kasafiri kaenda songea mi ndo navinjari hapa”. Jamaa akajibu kinyonge, “mshenzi mkubwa wewe, ngoja nirudi toka songea nitakuuwa”

Masisterduu noma sana

Masisterduu noma sana, hawa walikuwa wanatambiana juu ya majina ya mabwana zao.

Wakwanza: mi wangu ni SOSPETER, nikipenda namuita SOS au PETER

Wapili: mi wangu EMMANUELI, nikipenda namuita IMMA au  NOEL.

Watatu: akanuna na akaondoka zake kwa hasira. Kumbe bwanake anaitwa MBWAMBO.

wewe mwanaume

Hepu leo tuwe wakweli, hasa wewe mwanaume unaesoma hii. Ivi wanawake zako wote wakitaka uwanunulie vin’gamuzi au smartphone, kaka si utakuwa wakala?

wanaoongoza kwa uvivu duniani

Je unajua kwamba kuna watu 552668731105657 wanaoongoza kwa uvivu duniani? Na  wewe ni mmoja wao sababu hujajisumbua hata kusoma hizo namba.

rafiki yako wa primary

Leo nimecheka sana, nimekutana na rafiki yako wa primary amenipa story zako, eti kila mwalimu alipokuwa akifuta notes ubaoni na wewe ulikuwa unafuta kwenye daftari.

Unasafiri kikazi

Unasafiri kikazi, wakati unapaki nguo mkeo anakupa box la condom “honey chukua hizi incase vikitokea  vishawishi.” Ukalipokea kwa bashasha na tabasamu zito na kusema, “asante.” Wakati unaingia kwenye gari mkeo anakukimbilia, “honey naomba pakiti kama tano hivi, kwani huwezi jua naweza shawishika pia.” Je Utampa?