hold her for me. I'm going for yours

A guy sits in a taxi and sees his
wife entering
a
hotel with another man, and tells
the driver(akpos).
Do you want to Earn $500 right
away ?,,,,
The driver(akpos) excitedly said what do
I have to
do ?..
Bring my wife by the hair out of
that hotel,
here's
a picture of her.
After a while the driver(akpos) is seen
dragging a
woman
by the hair,
While kicking and beating her
and puts her in
the
Taxi.
And the husband says to him,
"This is not my
wife" the driver(akpos) replied "
Nooooo , this is
mine,
hold her for me. I'm going for
yours"!

The two pastors fainted

Three pastors met & agreed to sincerely tell each other their problems which must be kept a secret between the three of them.
The first pastor(Johnny) said; my problem is money l do steal even from the church offering. Please pray for me. The second pastor(emeka); mine is women. Whenever l see any woman my desire will be to go to bed with her, infact l have slept with most of the church (female) members. Turning to the third pastor(Akpors) to hear his problem he started crying (it took his friends some effort to calm him). When they asked him to continue, he was still crying, he said my problem is gossiping, when we leave this place everybody will hear all what the two of you have just told me. Please pray for me!
The two pastors fainted.

alibaba and the 40 thieves

Four guys were discussing about thier wive's.
The first guy said "when my wife was pregnant she read,the novel: the 2 cities and gave birth 2 twins". The second guy said, my wife read the 2 musketeers and gave birth 2 triplet. Akpos stood up and started running heading home when asked why? he then said "my wife is pregnant and she's reading alibaba and the 40 thieves.

Money isn't everything

Money, money, money

It can buy a House

But not a Home

It can buy a Bed

But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock

But not Time

It can buy you a Book

But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position

But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine

But not Health

It can buy you Blood

But not Life

So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering...

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

I won't go for that umbrella!

Three tortoises, Tinku, Teku and Toku, went into a restaurant. Each of them ordered a large ice cream sundae. They were waiting for their order when they noticed that it was pouring with rain outside.

"We are going to need our umbrellas," said Toku. Tinku agreed. They both decided that Teku should run home to get the umbrellas, but he didn't want to go in case they ate his ice-cream while he was away. But Toku and Tinku promised that they would do nothing of the kind, so Teku set off.

One week went by and Teku did not return. Two weeks went by and still he did not appear. Halfway through the third week, Tinku turned to Toku and said, "Come on, let's eat his ice cream."

"Okay, let's," said Toku.

Just then Teku's voice piped up from under the next table, "If you do, I won't go for that umbrella!"

cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home.

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"

The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"

The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision."

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"

God said He never spoke to you yesterday

Teacher fell asleep in class and
a little naughty boy walked up
to him,
Little boy: "Teacher are you
sleeping in class?"
Teacher: "No I am not sleeping in class."
Little boy: "What were you
doing sir ?"
Teacher: "I was talking to God."
The next day the naughty boy
fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him...
Teacher: "young man, you are
sleeping in my class."
Little boy: "No not me sir, I am
not sleeping."
Angry teacher: "What were you doing.??"
Little boy: "I was talking to
God."
Angry teacher: "What did He
say??"
Little boy: "God said He never spoke to you yesterday."

NIWEKEENI KESHONTANYWEA CHAI

BABU KAJA MJINI KWA
MWANAE TOKA KIJIJINI,
JIONI KAKARIBISHWA
MEZANI KWA CHAKULA
AKALA AINA 4 ZA
CHAKULA NA MATUNDA
AKASHIBA MARA
AKASIKIA "WE JOYCE
MLETEE BABU TISHU NA
TOOTH STICKS" MZEE
KAROPOKA JAMANI
NIMESHIBA, HIZO TISHU
NA TOOTH STICKS
NIWEKEENI KESHO
NTANYWEA CHAI,
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Baunsa

Baunsa alienda kutibiwa mgongo kwa doctor.
DOKTA: Ilikuwaje mpaka ukapata mshtuko wa uti wa mgongo?
BAUNSA: Nilipoingia home alfajiri nikitokea kazini,nilisiki­a makelele
chumbani kwangu nikajua mke wangu yupo na mwanaume
mwingine,nikaza­ma chumbani kwa spidi lakini sikumkuta mtu,mara nikasikia mlango wa
sebuleni umefunguliwa kwa fujo,nilipochun­gulia kupitia
dirishani nikamwona mtu anakimbia huku anavaa shati,nikachuku­a fridge nikamrushia nikiwa ghorofa ya tatu,hapo ndipo niliposhtua uti wangu wa mgongo.......
Alipomaliza tu kauliyake,akain­gia mgonjwa mwingine kaharibika kama kagongwa na gari.
DOKTA: Na wewe nini kimekusibu?.
MGONJWA 1: Nilisahau kuweka alarm asubuhi nikachelewa kuamka kwenda
kazini,kazi yenyewe niliajiriwa jana tu baada ya kukaa jobless kwa muda mrefu,nikatoka nje huku navaa nguo,mara nikapondwa na fridge kichwani.......
Mara akaingia mgonjwa wa tatu akiwa na halimbaya kuliko waliomtangulia.
DOKTA: Na wewe nini tena Yarabi?
MGONJWA 2: 'Doctor,mimi nilikuwa nilitaka kufumaniwa nikajibanza ndani ya fridge,mara ghafla lile fridge likabebwa na kutupwa kutoka ghorofa ya tatu mpaka chini..
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Kwenu

1.Naskia una sura mbaya mpaka ukijiangalia kwenye kioo kinaandika Please wait...
2.Dada zako ni wabaya hadi mmeweka tangazo getini eti oa m1 upate wa2 bure.
3.Wewe ni mweus hadi ukibeba mtoto anasinzia akizani giza limeingia
4.Kwenu mko wengi hadi mtoto wa mwisho anaitwa etc
5.Damu yako tamu mpaka mbu huja na vitafunio
6.Kwenu mko wengi mpaka babako akiingia anasema 'hamjambo wananchi'
7.Kwenu kuchafu mpaka inzi na mende huvaa malapa...! Kweli?
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wahuni wa pale wana roho mbaya

Mtoto wa kike alimwambia mama yake: Mama wahuni wa pale wana roho mbaya, nimewaambia waniangulie maembe wakaniambia nipande mwenyewe. Mama akajibu: wale walikua wanataka kukuchungulia tu chupi yako. Mtoto akajibu: aah unafikiri sina akili ! Nilivua kwanza halafu nikapanda juuu

Sasa neno sukari lipo wapi?

Mwalimu: Hamadi tunga sentensi ukitumia neno SUKARI. Hamadi: Asubuhi nilikunywa chai na mkate. Mwalimu: Sasa liko wapi neno sukari apo? Hamadi: Ndani ya chai.
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uchague kati ya Hela na Akili

Mwalimu: Kama nikikuuliza wewe
uchague kati ya Hela na Akili
utachagua nini?
Mwanafunzi: Nitachagua hela.
Mwalimu: Hahaha...Ningec­­hagua
Akili
Mwanafunzi: Sawa,Kila mtu
anachagua asichokua nacho!
Mwalimu: Aaaaarggh!!**
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huo ndio msaada wangu

Baba alimwandikia barua mwanae aliefungwa jela kwa wizi.
Baba; mwanangu,mwaka huu nitashndwa kulima viaz kwa kukosa msaada wako.
Mtoto:tafadhal ucdhubutu kulima hilo shamba baba maana ndipo nilipoficha pesa zote nilizoiba,Polisi walivyoona ile barua kesho yake wakaenda kulitifua lile shamba lote, wakazikosa zile pesa,Mtoto akamwandikia barua nyngne baba yake.
Mtoto:huo ndio msaada wangu pekee nnaoweza kukusaidia,sasa unaweza kupanda viazi...
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ngoja nirudi toka Songea

Jamaa kaaga kwa mkewe anaenda Songea kwa wiki nzima,kumbe kahamia kwa mchuchu nyumba ya pili toka kwake,..
siku ya kwanza akalala,asubuhi­ alipoamka akamua kuchungulia kwake kukoje,si akamuona jamaa yupo nje ya nyumba yake kavaa taulo
lake anapiga mswaki bila wasiwasi! akapiga ukelele, "Allo we nani?", Jamaa akajibu, "Ahhh mshikaji mambo ya mjini, mume wa huyu
demu kasafiri kaenda Songea huko,mi ndo navinjari hapa".Mume akajibu kwa uchungu, "Shenzi mkubwa, ngoja nirudi toka Songea
nikikukuta nakuuwa"
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