mnahitaji kitu chochote cha ziada

Mume na mke walipokelewa mizigo hotelini na mhudumu mpaka chumbani. Kisha mhudu akauliza ''mnaweza mkawa mnahitaji kitu chochote cha ziada?''

Mume akajibu: ''asante, hamna.''

Mhudumu akauliza tena ''labda mkeo atahitaji kitu?''
mume akajibu: ''oh, nashukuru kwa kunikumbusha, mnauza kucha za kubandika?''

we chizi kweli, si mimi huyu

Walevi wawili wakiwa njiani waliokota kioo kidogo cha make-up hali ikawa hivi wakati wanajiangalia:

Mlevi One: Hii sura si ngeni ila jina sikumbuki kabisa.

mwenzake akamnyang'anya na kujiangalia kisha akasema hivi:
Mlevi Two: Aaah, we chizi kweli, si mimi huyu.

yakilomita 300 toka nyumbani kwangu

Dokta alimshauri jamaa akimbie kwa siku 30 ili apungue uzito.
Siku 30 baadae jamaa kwenye simu alimpigia dokta, "dokta asante sana nimepungua uzito na hata unene pia, ila sasa ntarudije nipo zaidi ya kilomita 300 toka nyumbani kwangu na nimechoka sana na sina hata hela?"

Mental mmoja alikua ghorofa ya 50, chini kulikua na mwanamke mnene. Alikua akimuona mdogo kama gololi.
Akashuka ghorofa kadhaa kwa awamu uku akizidi muona mkubwa. Alipofika chini akaenda mkumbatia.
Mdada mnene: We ni nani?
Mental: Nimekufahamu tangu ukiwa mdogo kama gololi.

safari ya kwenda kwa babu

Hakuna zawadi nzuri kipindi hichi kama kumzawadia mtu safari ya kwenda kwa babu, lakini mimi nakuzawadia safari ya kwenda kijijini kwa babu yako. maana umesahau kama na wewe unababu, ukisikia jina babu tu tiyari unamuwaza wa loliondo tu.

inawezekana kutabiri jambo la mbele

Mwalimu aliuliza darasani, "inawezekana kutabiri jambo la mbele?"
Mtoto mmoja akajibu, "ndio! Mama huwa akiangalia daftari langu la hesabu huniambia, subiri baba yako arudi uone."

Tunahifadhi mambo ya zamani

Jamaa mmoja akipiga simu ofisi ya Makumbusho ya Taifa: "Haloo, hapo ni Makumbusho ya Taifa?"
OFISI: "Ndio, tukusaidie nini?"
JAMAA: "Ok, naomba mnikumbushe mwaka juzi saa yangu niliipoteza wapi?"
OFISI: "Pumbavu! Hiyo sio kazi yetu..!"
JAMAA: "Sasa makumbusho mnakumbusha nini?" OFISI: "Tunahifadhi mambo ya zamani."
JAMAA: "Ahaa... kumbe saa yangu mtakuwa nayo..!"

akija na mananasi

Jamaa watatu walikuwa wakisafiri kupitia kwenye msitu mnene na kwa bahati mbaya wakakutana na majitu yanayokula watu na yakawakamata. Yale majitu yakawaambia 'sisi tuna mtihani ambao ukifaulu tunakuacha uende zako, la ukishindwa unaliwa.'

Basi yale majitu yakawatuma msituni wakiwa chini ya ulinzi kukusanya kila mmoja wao matunda kumi ya mti watakaochagua.

Baada ya muda mfupi mmoja wao akawa amefanikiwa kurudi na matunda aina ya Apple. Akaambiwa mtihani mlionao ni kuhakikisha kuwa unakula matunda yote kumi kwa kumeza bila kutafuna, moja moja lakini usionyeshe hisia yeyote katika uso wako.

Yule aliyekuja na apple akaogopa mno lakini akajizuia kuonyesha hofu yake, wakati huo huo yule wa pili akawa anakuja na matunda yake mkononi aina ya rasberry ambayo ni madogo na hayana kokwa. Yule wa kwanza alipoweka apple mdomoni kwake lilimzidi kinywa na hivyo akagugumia maumivu kwa hiyo akaliwa mara moja.

Huyu wa pili kuona hivyo akazuia hisia zake za hofu kubwa na akapewa mtihani ule ule wa kula matunda hayo moja baada ya jingine. Kutokana na udogo wa matunda hayo na kuwa hayana kokwa ndani alikula bila matatizo mpaka tunda la tisa.

Alipofika tunda la tisa akaangua kicheko kikubwa mno kwa ghafla hivyo na yeye akaliwa mara moja.

Mara wakajikuta wako ahera yule wa kwanza na wa pili. Yule wa wa kwanza akashangaa sana na kumuuliza 'imekuwaje wewe umeshindwa kula vile vijitunda?' Huyu wa pili akajibu na kusema ' nilimwona jamaa yetu wa tatu akija na mananasi'

Tofauti kati ya Wahehe na Wasambaa

Tofauti yetu kubwa kati ya Wahehe-Iringa na  Wasambaa-Tanga ni kuwa wahehe wao ni 'nakusage sambi sako mwenyewe' afu unapiga mtama ndo unamaliza mambo wakati wasambaa ni kuwa wakati unamvua binti nguo upande huu,binti huwa anakataa kata kata huku akikusaidia kuvua upande wa pili,yaani kazi kweli kweli!

mtihani alofanya mtoto wa kihindi

Hii ilikutwa kwenye mtihani alofanya mtoto wa kihindi wakati akijibu
maswali ya methali


swali; bandu bandu.....
Jibu: Iko dugu yake patel iko nakaa bombay


swali: Mtaka cha uvunguni......
Jibu: Iko na binua tanda


swali: Simba mwenda pole....
Jibu: Iko fungwa na yanga


swali; simba akinguruma...
Jibu: Yanga yote nakimbia


swali: Zimwi likujualo....
Jibu: Iko fata veve hadi jumbani yako

Problems with my new computer

Letter from Jost to Mr. Bill Gates

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,


We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some
problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request
you to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any 're -scooter' is available in system? I
find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost
the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button,
but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Mi crosoft
sentence', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one
icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will povide the remaining
items?

6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not
even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use
the PC at home only

8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past
Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide
'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after
my office hours.

10. Last one to Mr. Bill Gates: Sir, how is it that your name is Gates
but you are selling WINDOWS...?

tumeokota mtoto wa kichina

Kuna siku polisi wawili wa kiTZ katika matembezi yao waliokota mtoto
wa mwezi mmoja mwenye sura ya kichina.Wakashauriana nini cha kufanya
na kupata jibu.Kesho yake asubuhi wakaenda kwenye chuo kimoja
kinachotoa mafunzo ya lugha mbalimbali na mahojiano yalikuwa hivi:
polisi; tunahitaji kujifunza lugha ya kichina.
Mwalimu:kwa nini mmeamua kujifunza kichina.
Polisi: tumeokota mtoto wa kichina hivyo tunataka akianza kuongea
tuweze kumuelewa anachosema.