Men Jokes

• Why don't men wear tight underwear?
  It cuts off circulation to the brain!
• Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
  When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know."
  When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, "Ohhhhhh."
• Why are vibrators better than men?
  Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you don't have to do their laundry!
• Why do men die before their wives?
  They should.
• What is the difference between men and women?
  A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........
  A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need
• How does a man keep his youth?
  By giving them money, furs and diamonds.
• Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
  A mental hospital.
• What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
  Wife saying she wants to talk to him.
• Why are hangovers better than men?
  Hangovers will go away.
• How are men and batteries different?
  Batteries have a positive side.
• Why is virginity like a baloon?
  All it takes is one small prick and it's gone.
• What is the difference between garbage and men?
  Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!
• How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  No one knows, the ex-wife always gets the house.
• Why are men like strawberries?
  Because they take a long time to mature and by the time they do most are rotten.
• Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
  So men can tell if they are coming or going.
• Why does a man have a clear conscience?
  Because it's never used.
• What do UFO's and caring men have in common?
  You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.
• Why is dating like a game of cards?
  Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
• How do you confuse a man?
  You don't have to - they're born that way
• Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?
  Because they dribble before they shoot.
• What are the three types of men?
  The handsome, the caring and the majority
• What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
  You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
• What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
  Slow down
• What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
  One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching himself. The other is a chimpanzee.
• How can you tell if your husband's dead?
  Sex is the same but you get the remote.
• What food describes most men?
  Jerky.
• Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
  In the pages of a romance novel.
• How do we know men invented maps?
  Who else would make an inch into a mile?
• Why did they kick the man out of the airport?
  He kept throwing stale bread at the plane.
• What's the hardest thing to teach a man?
  How to operate a waste basket.
• What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
  You can straighten up a messy room.
• Did you hear about the two men who went ice fishing?
  They caught 200 pounds of ice, but drowned when they tried to cook it.
• Then there's the jigsaw puzzle for men.
  It only has one piece, And most of the time, it's missing.
• Why did God create men?
  She forgot to put the legs on snakes.
• Why women like bidets?
  Because men don't know what they are.
• How do you get a man on the roof?
  Tell him the beers on the house.
• Do you always tell your husband when you've had an orgasm?
  No way! I'm not going to call home every time!
• When does a man develop a brain?
  The day he gets married.
• Why did the man sell his water skis?
  He couldn't find a lake on a hill.
• How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
  He thinks "harass" is two words
• Why don't men die in their sleep?
  'Cuz they can't do two things at the same time.
• What do you call a caring, considerate and gifted man?
  A Myth.
• Why do women always wear black to bed?
  To mourn the dead pricks beside them!!
• Why did God Create man first?
  1. Practice makes perfect.
  2. Give us someone to bitch at immidately.
  3. There's a frist draft with anything.
  4. To see what needed to be fixed and then make the proper changes.
  5. First is the worst.........Second is the best!
  6. To be funny
• Woman: "I got a set of golf clubs for my husband"
  Friend: "GREAT trade!"
• How do you scare a man ?
  Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
• Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
  Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
• Did you really throw your husband out on the street naked, for taking a bath with Bubbles?
  Yes I did, and I threw Bubbles out too.
• Why do men prefer blondes?
  Men always like intellectual company.
• "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
  "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
• How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
  She asks them for a commitment.
• If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
  How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
• Why do men like love at first sight?
  It saves them a lot of time.
• How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
  In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
• Why don't men have mid-life crises?
  They stay stuck in adolescence.
• How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
  He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
• How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
  All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
• How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
  At the circus the clowns don't talk.
• Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
  For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
• Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
  They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
• What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
  A. A dog is always happy to see you
  B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train
• Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
  Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
• Why are blonde jokes so short?
  So men can remember them.
• What do you call a man with half a brain?
  Gifted.
• What should you give a man who has everything?
  A. A woman to show him how to work it.
  B. Penicillin
• Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
  To stop the snoring before it starts.
• What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
  One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
• What did God say after creating man?
  I can do better.
• Why do men want to marry virgins?
  They can't stand criticism.
• What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
  A man's undivided attention.
• How is a man like a snowstorm?
  Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
• What do you call an intelligent man in America?
  A tourist.
• Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
  To keep them from grazing.
• Why do men name their penises?
  Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
• Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
  Because they already have boyfriends.
• Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
  He had it bronzed.
• How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
  Two ways to cross a river.
• What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
  The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
• Why are men like chocolate candies?
  They look good on the outside but once it gets inside you, it's either too small, gross, or stuck to the top.
• What's black and blue and lying in a ditch?
  A man who told too many blonde jokes.
• What is a man's view of safe sex?
  A padded headboard.
• How do men sort their laundry?
  "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
• Why did God create man?
  Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
• Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
  A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
  B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
• What is the thinnest book in the world?
  "What men know about women."
• How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
  A.One - men will screw anything.
  B.One - men will screw up anything.
  C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it
• How does a man take a bubble bath?
  He eats beans for dinner.
• What is a man's idea of foreplay?
  A half hour of begging.
• How can you tell if a man is aroused?
  He's breathing.
• What's the difference between men and government bonds?
  Bonds mature.
• How do you save a man from drowning?
  Take your foot off his head.
• What do men and beer have in common?
  They're both empty from the neck up.
• How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
  Who knows? Did it ever happen??
• How are men and parking spots alike?
  The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
• What is a man's idea of doing housework?
  Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
• What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
  E.T. phoned home.
• What does a man consider a seven course meal?
  A hot dog and a six pack.
• Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
  They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
• Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
  So oxygen can get into their brains
• How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
  Put the remote control between his toes
• Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
  So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions
• How do men exercise on the beach?
  By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.
• Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
  Because they can understand them
• What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
  A. No mind.
  B. No business.
• Why is a woman different from a PC?
  A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy."
• What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
  Exchange him.
• Why do bachelors like smart women?
  Opposites Attract.
• What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
  After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
• Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
  To knock the penises off the smart ones.
• Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
  When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
• What do you call a handcuffed man?
  Trustworthy.
• Why are men like commercials?
  You can't believe a word they say.
• What do men and pantyhose have in common?
  They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
• Why are men like blenders?
  You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
• You know there is a company selling real brains for transplant now?
  A male brain costs $75000 and a female brain costs $25000
  The female brains are sold as "used"
• Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. . .
  Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?
• Why did the man cross the road?
  Who knows why the hell men do anything?
• How can you tell when a man is well hung?
  When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
• Why do so many women fake orgasm?
  Because so many men fake foreplay.
• How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
  It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
• Why is a hard man good to find?
  You don't have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.
• What's the best way to kill a man?
  Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
• How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
  Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manual."
• Why do women make better soldiers than men?
  Because they can bleed for a week and still not die