Mama Anauza vocha?

Mtoto:- baba siku hizi mama anauza vocha?

Baba:- hapana, kwa nini unauliza hivyo mwanangu?

Mtoto:- jana usiku nimesikia ukimwambia mama akupe tigo.

The Wedding

A mother and her child were at a wedding.

A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

The Bus Driver

One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow, that is one ugly baby."

The woman was deeply hurt. She continued to get on to the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asked her, "What's wrong? You look mad."

She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

"You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take his badge number and report him."

"You're right sir, I think I will report him."

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."

Maswali Magumu

• Kama pesa hazioti, mbona benki zinamatawi?
• kama hairufusiwi kuendesha gari ukiwa umekunywa mbona bar kuna parking?
• kama kweli gundi inaganda mbona haigandi kwenye chupa yake?
• kama neno observation ni ufupisho mbona lenyewe refu?
• kama serikali haiuzi madawa ya kulevia, mbona inajua bei zake?
• kama kuoga ni usafi mbona taulo linachafuka?

Computers: Male or Female?

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender, for the following reasons:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they cause the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender for the following reasons:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Men Are Like...

Men are like placemats;

They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like mascara;

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like bike helmets;

They are handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like government bonds;

They take so long to mature.

Men are like parking spots;

The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

Men are like copiers;

You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like lava lamps;

Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like bank accounts;

Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like high heels;

They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like curling irons;

They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like mini skirts;

If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Doctor

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news." Patient: "What's the good news?" Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live." Patient: "What's the bad news?" Doctor: "I should have called you yesterday!"

A farmer and his girlfriend

A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a strolling the fields when they came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses. "Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to do the same. ""Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow.”

my girlfriend

I went out with my girlfriend and asked her,"Why is it everytime I go out with you, I end upspending hundreds of dollars? ""Because I'm a prostitute."

What Women Want in a Man

What women want in a man at age 22:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What women want in a man at age 32:

1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What women want in a man at age 42:

1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What women want in a man at age 52:

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What women want in a man at age 62:

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What women want in a man at age 72:

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. 

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." 

"What?" said the puzzled groom. 

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?" 

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. 

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. 

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. 

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. 

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. 

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. 

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" 

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" 

The Five Secrets for woman To A Great Relationship

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man who is dependable, respectful and doesn’t lie.

4. It is important to find a man who’s good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

5. It is important that these four men never meet.

zinanisaidia kupata usingizi mzuri

Mzee mmoja alienda duka la dawa akataka auziwe dawa za mpango wa uzazi.

Muuzaji akashangaa sana mpaka akamuuliza we za nini?

Mzee: zinanisaidia kupata usingizi mzuri.

Muuzaji: mbona hazileti usingizi?

Mzee: ni kweli, ila nikishamtilia mke wangu kwenye juisi kabla hajaenda zamu ya usiku (night shift) kazini kwao, huwa Napata usingizi vizuriii.

swali la kijinga

Hasira zilishaanza kumpanda moyoni mwa Juma, tangu asubuhi alipoanza kuvua samaki hadi mchana hajapata hata samaki mmoja. Suzi akatokea na kumuuliza, “hujapata samaki hata mmoja?”

Kwa kuhisi ni swali la kijinga, Juma akamjibu kwa upole, “nimewapata kibao ila nimewaachia waogelee kwanza”

women

Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: 'Cause they think men care.

Q: What do a woman and a condom have in common?
A: They're always in your wallet.

THE FEMALE RULES

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

getting married

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married.

Marriage

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is. 

Nimesahau jina lake

Mbaruku alimtembelea rafiki yake kwa ajili ya chakula cha usiku. Tangu afike nyumbani hapo, rafiki yake akawa anamwita mkewe mara ‘sweet-haert’, ‘honey’ mara ‘dear’

Hongera sana Sheikh wangu, maana inapendeza kuona meishi kwa muda mrefu lakini bado mnaitana kwa mahaba.

Rafiki, acha tu, nilisahau jina lake ndio maana nikawa namwita kwa majina hayo.

Nimesahau jina lake

Mbaruku alimtembelea rafiki yake kwa ajili ya chakula cha usiku. Tangu afike nyumbani hapo, rafiki yake akawa anamwita mkewe mara ‘sweet-haert’, ‘honey’ mara ‘dear’

Hongera sana Sheikh wangu, maana inapendeza kuona meishi kwa muda mrefu lakini bado mnaitana kwa mahaba.

Rafiki, acha tu, nilisahau jina lake ndio maana nikawa namwita kwa majina hayo.

Masanja na sinema

Akitokea kijijini mara ya kwanza masanja alipelekwa sinema na binamu yake. Ilikuwa filamu inayohusu maisha ya chui. Baada ya dakika kadhaa Masanja alitoka mbio akielekea nje huku akipiga kelele, Anakuja! Anakuja!

Mlinzi wa jumba hilo alipata kazi ya ziada kumkimbiza. Alipomkamata akamwambia usikimbie hiyo ni filamu tu. Masanja akamjibu “ni wewe ndiye unafahamu hilo, na huyo chui anaelewa?”

Zawadi nyingine bwana

Akiwa safarini kuelekea Italia, mwanamke mmoja alimuuliza mumewake ungependa nikuletee zawadi gani?

Mume wake alicheka, kasha akamjibu “msishana wa kitaliano”

Wiki mbili baadae alirudi nyumbani, mumewe akamuuliza. Vipi sasa kuhusu zawadi yangu?

Akamjibu “sawa nimejitahidi kadri ya uwezo wangu. Sasa tusubiri miezi tisa tuone kama atakuwa msichana.” Mume wake akabaki na mshangao.

Men Jokes

• Why don't men wear tight underwear?
  It cuts off circulation to the brain!
• Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
  When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know."
  When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, "Ohhhhhh."
• Why are vibrators better than men?
  Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you don't have to do their laundry!
• Why do men die before their wives?
  They should.
• What is the difference between men and women?
  A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........
  A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need
• How does a man keep his youth?
  By giving them money, furs and diamonds.
• Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
  A mental hospital.
• What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
  Wife saying she wants to talk to him.
• Why are hangovers better than men?
  Hangovers will go away.
• How are men and batteries different?
  Batteries have a positive side.
• Why is virginity like a baloon?
  All it takes is one small prick and it's gone.
• What is the difference between garbage and men?
  Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!
• How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  No one knows, the ex-wife always gets the house.
• Why are men like strawberries?
  Because they take a long time to mature and by the time they do most are rotten.
• Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
  So men can tell if they are coming or going.
• Why does a man have a clear conscience?
  Because it's never used.
• What do UFO's and caring men have in common?
  You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.
• Why is dating like a game of cards?
  Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
• How do you confuse a man?
  You don't have to - they're born that way
• Why don't women like basketball players as lovers?
  Because they dribble before they shoot.
• What are the three types of men?
  The handsome, the caring and the majority
• What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
  You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
• What should you do if your boyfriend starts smoking?
  Slow down
• What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
  One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching himself. The other is a chimpanzee.
• How can you tell if your husband's dead?
  Sex is the same but you get the remote.
• What food describes most men?
  Jerky.
• Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
  In the pages of a romance novel.
• How do we know men invented maps?
  Who else would make an inch into a mile?
• Why did they kick the man out of the airport?
  He kept throwing stale bread at the plane.
• What's the hardest thing to teach a man?
  How to operate a waste basket.
• What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
  You can straighten up a messy room.
• Did you hear about the two men who went ice fishing?
  They caught 200 pounds of ice, but drowned when they tried to cook it.
• Then there's the jigsaw puzzle for men.
  It only has one piece, And most of the time, it's missing.
• Why did God create men?
  She forgot to put the legs on snakes.
• Why women like bidets?
  Because men don't know what they are.
• How do you get a man on the roof?
  Tell him the beers on the house.
• Do you always tell your husband when you've had an orgasm?
  No way! I'm not going to call home every time!
• When does a man develop a brain?
  The day he gets married.
• Why did the man sell his water skis?
  He couldn't find a lake on a hill.
• How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
  He thinks "harass" is two words
• Why don't men die in their sleep?
  'Cuz they can't do two things at the same time.
• What do you call a caring, considerate and gifted man?
  A Myth.
• Why do women always wear black to bed?
  To mourn the dead pricks beside them!!
• Why did God Create man first?
  1. Practice makes perfect.
  2. Give us someone to bitch at immidately.
  3. There's a frist draft with anything.
  4. To see what needed to be fixed and then make the proper changes.
  5. First is the worst.........Second is the best!
  6. To be funny
• Woman: "I got a set of golf clubs for my husband"
  Friend: "GREAT trade!"
• How do you scare a man ?
  Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
• Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
  Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
• Did you really throw your husband out on the street naked, for taking a bath with Bubbles?
  Yes I did, and I threw Bubbles out too.
• Why do men prefer blondes?
  Men always like intellectual company.
• "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
  "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
• How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
  She asks them for a commitment.
• If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
  How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
• Why do men like love at first sight?
  It saves them a lot of time.
• How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
  In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
• Why don't men have mid-life crises?
  They stay stuck in adolescence.
• How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
  He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
• How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
  All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
• How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
  At the circus the clowns don't talk.
• Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
  For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
• Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
  They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
• What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
  A. A dog is always happy to see you
  B. A dog only takes a couple of months to train
• Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
  Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
• Why are blonde jokes so short?
  So men can remember them.
• What do you call a man with half a brain?
  Gifted.
• What should you give a man who has everything?
  A. A woman to show him how to work it.
  B. Penicillin
• Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
  To stop the snoring before it starts.
• What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
  One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
• What did God say after creating man?
  I can do better.
• Why do men want to marry virgins?
  They can't stand criticism.
• What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
  A man's undivided attention.
• How is a man like a snowstorm?
  Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
• What do you call an intelligent man in America?
  A tourist.
• Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
  To keep them from grazing.
• Why do men name their penises?
  Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
• Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
  Because they already have boyfriends.
• Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
  He had it bronzed.
• How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
  Two ways to cross a river.
• What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
  The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
• Why are men like chocolate candies?
  They look good on the outside but once it gets inside you, it's either too small, gross, or stuck to the top.
• What's black and blue and lying in a ditch?
  A man who told too many blonde jokes.
• What is a man's view of safe sex?
  A padded headboard.
• How do men sort their laundry?
  "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
• Why did God create man?
  Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
• Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
  A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
  B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
• What is the thinnest book in the world?
  "What men know about women."
• How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
  A.One - men will screw anything.
  B.One - men will screw up anything.
  C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it
• How does a man take a bubble bath?
  He eats beans for dinner.
• What is a man's idea of foreplay?
  A half hour of begging.
• How can you tell if a man is aroused?
  He's breathing.
• What's the difference between men and government bonds?
  Bonds mature.
• How do you save a man from drowning?
  Take your foot off his head.
• What do men and beer have in common?
  They're both empty from the neck up.
• How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
  Who knows? Did it ever happen??
• How are men and parking spots alike?
  The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
• What is a man's idea of doing housework?
  Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
• What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
  E.T. phoned home.
• What does a man consider a seven course meal?
  A hot dog and a six pack.
• Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
  They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
• Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
  So oxygen can get into their brains
• How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
  Put the remote control between his toes
• Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
  So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions
• How do men exercise on the beach?
  By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.
• Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
  Because they can understand them
• What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
  A. No mind.
  B. No business.
• Why is a woman different from a PC?
  A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy."
• What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
  Exchange him.
• Why do bachelors like smart women?
  Opposites Attract.
• What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
  After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
• Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
  To knock the penises off the smart ones.
• Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
  When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
• What do you call a handcuffed man?
  Trustworthy.
• Why are men like commercials?
  You can't believe a word they say.
• What do men and pantyhose have in common?
  They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
• Why are men like blenders?
  You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
• You know there is a company selling real brains for transplant now?
  A male brain costs $75000 and a female brain costs $25000
  The female brains are sold as "used"
• Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. . .
  Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?
• Why did the man cross the road?
  Who knows why the hell men do anything?
• How can you tell when a man is well hung?
  When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
• Why do so many women fake orgasm?
  Because so many men fake foreplay.
• How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
  It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
• Why is a hard man good to find?
  You don't have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.
• What's the best way to kill a man?
  Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
• How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
  Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manual."
• Why do women make better soldiers than men?
  Because they can bleed for a week and still not die

Women Jokes

1 joke:  What does a woman and carpet have in commen? if you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them later

2  joke: why are womens feet so small? So they can stand closer to the stove

    How are women and a pile of dog crap alike? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up !!!!!!!!!!

3 joke: How do we know that God is a man? A:If God was a woman, semen would taste like chocolate.

4  joke: Want to hear a joke? Women's rights

5  joke: What do you do when the dish washer is broken? Slap her on the ass and tell her to get to work.

6  joke: Why did the woman cross the road? It doesnt matter, why was she out of the kitchen in the first place.

7 joke: what do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothin, you done told her twice.

8  joke: why cant women ski? because theres no snow between the bedroom and the kitchen.

9  joke: What's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman? The back of my hand.

10  joke: How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

11 joke: Why don't women need a watch? There's a clock on the stove.

12  joke: Did you know there are female hormones in beer? If you drink too it makes you talk crap and drive horrible.

13 joke: Why do they call it PMS? Cause mad cow disease was already taken.

I'll use a condom

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"

Women Cheating

A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.

In walks her husband’s friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me." She’s offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I’ll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts." Now she’s really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door.

Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty.

"Who was that?" the husband asks.

"Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers.

"Ben?" the husband says. "That son of a bitch owes me 800 bucks!"

Wachaga

Wamachame, wako very carefull.

Ukijipendekeza kwa binti wa huko, Yahye, uchumba tu, lazima upeleke kapppatti la mbeho!

Wakibosho (Specialized banits)

Yao kali, mama akiwa anapiga soga na mwenziwe utamsikia anavyomsifu mwanawe kama hivi. “Eee dada; Yaani dadangu, we acha tu Yule Alex wangu siku hizi amepefuka  kweli; ameendelea kweli. Ana akili we acha tu’ haibi tena mifukoni siku hisi, ameunda kundi lake la ujambasi. Krisimasi hii lasima nitaletewa fitenge file fya kongo.

Kivumbi ni pale Binti akiolewa na kyasaka (mtu ambaye sio mchaga) wazazi wake baba na mama wanamwambia “hivi we huyo mwanaume kwani ni ndugu yako? Leta hizo pesa zake tujenge huku kwetu Manka”

Wauru

Nao wanachosha kweli, wakikakaa ni kuongea kuhusu shule tuuuuuuuuuuuu, masomo, digrii. Yaani yu  ‘kanot bilivu’ babu wa miaka 70 bado madafutari yake ya primary ameweka sandukuni!! Atawaonyesha wajukuu zake wote: “ona hand writing yangu ilivyokuwa nzuri wakati nafundishwa na Father Wilson Payatt.” Wanakumbuka majina ya walimu wao hasa wazungu tangu chekechea. Uzuri wao wanamuogopa sana Mungu. Kengele ya kanisani saa sita mchana utaona wazee wote kilabuni wanaamka na kusali sala ya mchana ndio wanaendelea kunywa mbege yao. We acha tu.

Wale wa Old Moshi (The Mechanics)

Wanawake wana haki ya kuringa. Ni wazuri kweli kweli, yaani mi sisemi we nenda utajionea mwenyewe. Tabu ni kwa wanaume ni wabishi kama mkia wa mbuzi, wanakunywa kisusio hata cha Nguruwe na Gongo nyingiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii (wenyewe wanaiita Crysta-pen)

Wao pia kama dada zao ni (the handsome) chunga mkeo asiwazoee wana visu vikali na hupenda pia nyama choma.

kama una jokes yoyote unaweza uka nitumia kwenye my email nami nikaidondosha hapa

- Two roofers, Larry and Joe were on the roof laying tile, when a sudden win gust came and knocked        down their ladder. “I have an idea” said Larry. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.” What, do you thing, I’m stupid? “I have and idea” said Joe. “I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.” What, do you think I’m stupid? “You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m   halfway there.”

- John asks: Why are you drinking so much?
   Joe says: Because I donated my body to science, and I am preserving it until they are ready to use it.

-The lion tamer led his young apprentice into the cage. “The first thing to remember,” said the older man, “is that if a lion jumps at you, throw something at it.”
“And what do I do if there’s nothing to throw?”
The lion tamer said, “If a lion jumps at you __ there will be.”

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Men Vs. Women Jokes




MAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Wind window down
3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN
4) Retrieve cash
5) Drive away

WOMAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Open door (too far away from machine)
3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card
4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair
5) Insert Card
6) Remove card
7) Insert card the correct way up
8) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it
9) Enter PIN
10) Enter correct PIN
11) Retrieve cash, put in bag
12) Drive off
13) Reverse back to machine
14) Retrieve card
15) Drive three miles away
16) Release hand-brake