1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you
of how far you've come.
2. Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your
own, even if you never want or need to.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to
see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen
carrying.
5. A youth you're content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your
old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age and some
money set aside to help fund it.
8. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
9. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
10. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your
family.
11. Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal
that will make your guests feel honored.
12. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
13. A feeling of control over your destiny.
14. A skin care regime, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with
those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all
those other facets of life that do get better.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW:
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without
ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and
wouldn't like to happen next.
6. How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
7. How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll
get it.
8. That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips
or the nature of your parents.
9. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
10. What you would and wouldn't do for love or money
11. How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
12. Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it
personally.
13. Where to go - be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn
hidden in the woods-when your soul needs soothing.
14. What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.
15. Why they say life begins at 30.
tangazo one
Abidal
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
10 things only women understand
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
The best three things for being a women are:
You can bleed without cutting yourself.
You can bury a bone without digging a hole.
You can make a man come without calling him.
You can bury a bone without digging a hole.
You can make a man come without calling him.
The best three things for being a women are:
You can bleed without cutting yourself.
You can bury a bone without digging a hole.
You can make a man come without calling him.
You can bury a bone without digging a hole.
You can make a man come without calling him.
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo playing geek in 'Deliverance')
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)
5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and lay. It's the male perspective thing.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)
5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and lay. It's the male perspective thing.)
Top 10 Reasons Why God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "Ok, I can do better than THAT!".
9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "Ok, I can do better than THAT!".
Basic Differences of Males and Females
- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
- Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
- Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
- A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
- There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Mambo ya ajabu
Mambo yanayokera na kusababisha uonekane ovyo. Unamwita mtu usiyemjua (wala kukutana naye kabla) aunt au uncle ama shemeji. Wizi mtupu.
Hupigi simu isipokuwa katika muda ambao ambao gharama za kupiga simu ni nafuu (mfano usiku sana) na mara nyingi huwa una beep tu.
Asilimia 90 ya DVD pamoja na CD za muziki ulizonazo nyumbani ni feki (sio original copies) na hata original copies ulizonazo umeazima na haurudishi mpaka mwenyewe aje kuzifuata.
Stoo yako imejaa vitu (makorokoro) kwa kuwa hutupi kwa kuamini kuwa ipo siku utayahitaji kwa mfano karpet ukilitoa hulitupi. Acha hizo!
Una machupa ya maji matupu ya shampoo perfume pamoja na vipozi vingine umeweka tu wala huna shughuli navyo.
Watoto wako wote wana majina utani mfano babu Ali, Chidi, Mamu, Dida, Kadogo, Asha ngedere, dada Kiboga n.k
Mifuko yako imejaa vitu kama vile vijiti vya kusafishia meno, tissue ulivyochukua sehemu kama vile hotelini.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
69
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.”
Thinking
A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ”None, they all fly away with the first gun shot”
The teacher replies “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then Little Johnny says “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone”
To which Little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ”None, they all fly away with the first gun shot”
The teacher replies “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then Little Johnny says “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone”
To which Little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”
Viagra for Gramps
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
Saturday, October 16, 2010
mnamuona huyu?
Kwa kutaka wanafunzi wake wa darasa la kwanza wanunue picha alizowapiga akiwa nao darasani, mwalimu alianza kuwashawishi kwa kuwaonyesha picha hizo na kuwaambia
Mwalimu:- si mnaona ukinunua halafu ukiwa mkubwa utawaonyesha watoto wako na kuwaambia ‘mnamuona huyu , huyu ni Fulani sasa hivi ni meneja wa shirika Fulani. Huyu naye ni Fulani na sasa ni waziri, watoto wenu watafurahi sana au vipi Jost?
Jost:- ni kweli mwalimu, tutawaonyesha na wewe pia na kuwaambia huyu alikuwa mwalimu wetu ambaye sasa ni marehemu
The Worst
One night, three guys are at a bar talking and they all think their wives are cheating on them.
The first guy says he thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.
They all agree, and the second guy tells his story. He says he thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.
They all agree, and then the third guy says, "That's nothing! My wife is the worst! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe she's screwing a horse."
The first guy says he thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.
They all agree, and the second guy tells his story. He says he thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.
They all agree, and then the third guy says, "That's nothing! My wife is the worst! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe she's screwing a horse."
Pencil
| Knock, knock Who's there? You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil? You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who? Nevermind, it's pointless. |
Dead Bird
Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Justin says, "Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie."
Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"
Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"
Dead Bird
Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Justin says, "Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie."
Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"
Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"
70 Ways to keep a women happy
There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy
One is to take her shopping.
The rest is 69.
One is to take her shopping.
The rest is 69.
70 Ways to keep a women happy
There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy
One is to take her shopping.
The rest is 69.
One is to take her shopping.
The rest is 69.
Too Lazy
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to
trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he
announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he
announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
Final Day
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at
the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who
roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift
envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The
folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At
the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a
revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door
(which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where
she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he
had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast:
eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange
juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As
she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's
bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's
the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked
him what to give you. He said, 'SCREW him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was
my idea."
mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at
the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who
roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift
envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The
folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At
the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a
revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door
(which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where
she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he
had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast:
eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange
juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As
she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's
bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's
the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked
him what to give you. He said, 'SCREW him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was
my idea."
New Rules
Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Bar: Guy and a Picture of a Hottie
This guy, about 40, walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he pulls out a picture of a beautiful girl, about 20. He orders drink after drink after drink. Finally, the bartender asks why he's getting drunk
"I have to come home to this!'' the guy says, pointing to the picture of the beautiful girl.
"What's wrong with her?'' asks the bartender. ''She's beautiful and half your age!''
''Exactly. That's my daughter.''
"I have to come home to this!'' the guy says, pointing to the picture of the beautiful girl.
"What's wrong with her?'' asks the bartender. ''She's beautiful and half your age!''
''Exactly. That's my daughter.''
Put It On Your Organ
One day Reverend Smith went to visit Mrs. Jenkins, one of the elder parishoners in his church. When he arrived she asked him to wait in the parlor while she went to the kitchen to get refreshments for their visit. Reverend Smith, while waiting in the parlor, happened to notice that on top of Mrs. Jenkins' organ was sitting a bowl which contained a condom floating in water.
Now Reverend Smith was very befuddled and after Mrs. Jenkins returned he couldn't help himself and asked her to explain this to him.
"Oh, Reverend Smith," she replied, "I found that lying on the street corner and the package said that if you put it on your organ and keep it wet that it will prevent disease and frankly, I haven't been sick all year."
Now Reverend Smith was very befuddled and after Mrs. Jenkins returned he couldn't help himself and asked her to explain this to him.
"Oh, Reverend Smith," she replied, "I found that lying on the street corner and the package said that if you put it on your organ and keep it wet that it will prevent disease and frankly, I haven't been sick all year."
Men's English
| "I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. "I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy. "I'm tired." = I'm tired. "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage! "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you. "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex? "I love you." = Let's have sex now. "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before. "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. and FINALLY... (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Just pick ANY dress and let's go home! |
Men's English
| "I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. "I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy. "I'm tired." = I'm tired. "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage! "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you. "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex? "I love you." = Let's have sex now. "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before. "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. and FINALLY... (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Just pick ANY dress and let's go home! |
Counting Condoms
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."
Monday, October 11, 2010
My Rules
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."
Social Security
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
Saturday, October 9, 2010
50 Things To Do During An Exam
You should attempt these things during an actual exam.
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..)
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious.. like history notes for a calculus exam.. otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc.. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher."
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..)
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious.. like history notes for a calculus exam.. otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc.. sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher."
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Utani Kwa Wachagga!
Mzee mmoja toka Machame (Bwana Oforo) ambaye alikuwa
mkali sana kwa binti yake aitwae Manka, anaamka
asubuhi na kutaarifiwa kwamba binti yake ana mimba!
Bwana Oforo: "Aisee we Manka, nakwenda kazini,
nikirudi leo ni lazima uniambie ni nani kafanya uchafu
huu" Anafoka na kuondoka kuelekea ofisini.
Mchana akapigiwa simu na Mama Manka na kuambiwa kwamba
yule jamaa aliyempa mimba bintiye yupo nyumbani
anamsubiri kwa mazungumzo!
Mzee akachukua panga lake na kulinoa kabisaaa kwa
ajili ya kwenda kumteketeza mwanaharamu huyo.
Kufika nyumbani mambo yanakuwa hivi:
Kijana aliyempa mimba binti: "Mmmh Mzee ni kweli mi
ndiye nimempa mimba binti yako, na kusema kweli sina
mpango wa kumuoa. Lakini akizaa mtoto wa kiume
nitakupa TShs 1 million na ghorofa Kariakoo kisha
nachukua mtoto. Akizaa mtoto wa kike nakupa TShs 1
million na duka Sinza! Lakini je mzee, ikitokea bahati
mbaya mimba hii ikaharibika itakuwaje? "
Mzee Oforo: "Aisee babaangu eeeh itabidi tu umpe mimba
nyingine, hakuna jinsi!"
mkali sana kwa binti yake aitwae Manka, anaamka
asubuhi na kutaarifiwa kwamba binti yake ana mimba!
Bwana Oforo: "Aisee we Manka, nakwenda kazini,
nikirudi leo ni lazima uniambie ni nani kafanya uchafu
huu" Anafoka na kuondoka kuelekea ofisini.
Mchana akapigiwa simu na Mama Manka na kuambiwa kwamba
yule jamaa aliyempa mimba bintiye yupo nyumbani
anamsubiri kwa mazungumzo!
Mzee akachukua panga lake na kulinoa kabisaaa kwa
ajili ya kwenda kumteketeza mwanaharamu huyo.
Kufika nyumbani mambo yanakuwa hivi:
Kijana aliyempa mimba binti: "Mmmh Mzee ni kweli mi
ndiye nimempa mimba binti yako, na kusema kweli sina
mpango wa kumuoa. Lakini akizaa mtoto wa kiume
nitakupa TShs 1 million na ghorofa Kariakoo kisha
nachukua mtoto. Akizaa mtoto wa kike nakupa TShs 1
million na duka Sinza! Lakini je mzee, ikitokea bahati
mbaya mimba hii ikaharibika itakuwaje? "
Mzee Oforo: "Aisee babaangu eeeh itabidi tu umpe mimba
nyingine, hakuna jinsi!"
Usianike matatizo yako kwa watu, nao wanayo mazito zaidi ya hayo
jamaa wawili walikutana kwenye kituo cha basi wakafanya mazungumzo.
Mmoja aling'ang'nia kuzungumzia kero za familia yake hatimaye mwenzake
akasema " Unadhani familia yako ina matatizo?" Basi sikiliza kisa hiki.
" Miaka michache iliyopita nilikutana na mwanamke mjane aliyekua na binti
mkubwa tu na tukaamua kuoana. Baadaye baba yangu akamuoa binti yangu
wa kambo hivyo huyo binti yangu wa kambo akawa mama yangu wa kambo na
Baba yangu akawa mtoto wangu wa kambo wa kiume ambapo mke wangu
akawa mama mkwe wa mkwe wake.
Baadaye binti yamke wangu yaani binti yangu wa kambo alipata mtoto wa
kiume. mtoto huyo wa kiume alikua ndugu yangu kwa sababu tulichangia
baba mmoja. lakini kwa vile alikua ni mtoto wabinti wa mke wangu papo hapo
akawa mjukuu wa mke wangu na mimi nikawa babu yake mdogo wangu.
Lakini hayo yote yalikua si kitu mpaka mimi na mke wangu tulipopata mtoto
wa kiume. Sasa msichana ambaye ni ndugu wa mtoto wangu huyo wa kiume
kwa kuchangia mama yao mmoja, akawa pia bibi yake. Hali hiyo ilimfanya pia
baba yangu kua shemeji wa mtoto wangu ambaye ndugu yake wa kike kwa
upande wa mama yao ndie mke wake baba yangu. Kwa hiyo mimi ni shemeji
yake mama yangu wa kambo ambapo mke wangu ni mama mdogo (anti)
wabinti yake mwenyewe . Mtoto wangu wa kiume ni mpwa wa baba yangu
ambapo mimi nikawa babu yangu mwenyewe.
Mmoja aling'ang'nia kuzungumzia kero za familia yake hatimaye mwenzake
akasema " Unadhani familia yako ina matatizo?" Basi sikiliza kisa hiki.
" Miaka michache iliyopita nilikutana na mwanamke mjane aliyekua na binti
mkubwa tu na tukaamua kuoana. Baadaye baba yangu akamuoa binti yangu
wa kambo hivyo huyo binti yangu wa kambo akawa mama yangu wa kambo na
Baba yangu akawa mtoto wangu wa kambo wa kiume ambapo mke wangu
akawa mama mkwe wa mkwe wake.
Baadaye binti yamke wangu yaani binti yangu wa kambo alipata mtoto wa
kiume. mtoto huyo wa kiume alikua ndugu yangu kwa sababu tulichangia
baba mmoja. lakini kwa vile alikua ni mtoto wabinti wa mke wangu papo hapo
akawa mjukuu wa mke wangu na mimi nikawa babu yake mdogo wangu.
Lakini hayo yote yalikua si kitu mpaka mimi na mke wangu tulipopata mtoto
wa kiume. Sasa msichana ambaye ni ndugu wa mtoto wangu huyo wa kiume
kwa kuchangia mama yao mmoja, akawa pia bibi yake. Hali hiyo ilimfanya pia
baba yangu kua shemeji wa mtoto wangu ambaye ndugu yake wa kike kwa
upande wa mama yao ndie mke wake baba yangu. Kwa hiyo mimi ni shemeji
yake mama yangu wa kambo ambapo mke wangu ni mama mdogo (anti)
wabinti yake mwenyewe . Mtoto wangu wa kiume ni mpwa wa baba yangu
ambapo mimi nikawa babu yangu mwenyewe.
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