Mom is a good cook

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

I wanna watch

My Lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my Birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch.''

before I was born

Mother : Why aren't you doing very well in History?
Son: Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born.

Take an umbrella and go

Angelina: Go and water the plants.

Daniel: it's already raining.

Angelina: So what? Take an umbrella and go!!

my computer

Help-desk guy speaking to a lady user …

Help-desk: double click on “My Computer”.

Lady: I can’t see your computer...

Help-desk: No... Click on “My Computer” on your computer.

Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer??? !!

Help-desk: There is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer... double click on it.

Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?

your wife doesn't use

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was upset to say the least. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me? A faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Fine..., go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” The husband began “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the Mautumbo I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you were afraid you’d put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but never wore because you say they were too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you didn't wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you refused to wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and wouldn't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

“Please… do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?”

ULEVI NI NOMA

Mlevi mmoja aliingia kwenye daladala na kukaa siti ya mbele, akaweka begi lake kwenye siti kulia kwake kisha akalala. Baada ya muda akaingia mlevi mwingine akatoa lile begi, akaketi yeye...naye akalala. Mlevi wa kwanza alipoamka bila kuangalia akafungua zipu ya mlevi mwenzake akijua anafungua begi lake...Akaanza kupapasa ndani, kwa hasira akauliza, 
"NANI KAWEKA NDIZI MOJA, NYANYA MBILI NA STEELWIRE KWENYE BEGI LANGU!!" 

HAYA MAPENZI MHHH....

[Demu] ana-beep,mshikaji wake kapiga
[demu ](kalegeza sauti):hello baby,uko wapi?
[boy:] niko hapa mwenge,kuna mambo yanilileta huku
[demu:]hivi unajua kama mm naumwa?
[boy:]unaumwa nini?
[demu:]tumbo linaniuma,kichwa nacho sasa ndo basi,yaani kimekuwa kizito kama nimebeba gunia la mahindi, sijui ni kitu gani? kula siwezi,yaani sina hamu kabisa,
[boy:]okay,pole kawaida labda ndo unaingia kwenye siku zako
[demu:] hapana kabisa,hii ni too much,njoo nikuone labda ntapona
boy:]sasa mm niko huku mbali,labda baada ya masaa matatu hivi
[demu:] ww hunipendi najua,yaani naumwa sina hamu ya kula afu unasema unakuja baada ya masaa matatu? kama umenchoka nambie
[boy:]okay,nakuja sasa hivi,napanda gari demu(kafurahi):kabla hujapanda gari,hapo Mwenge stendi kwenye njia ya kutoa magari,kuna ka-supermarket,ingia humo afu nunua maziwa ya unga Nido lile kopo kubwa,humo humo wanauzaga na juice,nunua kopo mbili,moja ya embe nyingine ya apple,mwambie muuzaji akupe na pakiti kubwa ya soseji basi afu ukitoka tu hapo kuna jamaa wana mkokoteni wanauza
matunda,nchukulie parachichi,nanasi hata ndizi pia! nataka nione kama ntarudisha appetite.
[boy:]umemaliza?
[demu;] ndio,basi wahi mwenzio nina hali mbaya hujui tu,afu niletee na vocha mwenzio nina deni kwenye line yangu.
[boy:]umesahau mzani,na calculator.
[demu:] hayo ya nini? na ww kwa
utani hujambo!
[boy:] maanay ake naona unataka kufungua supermarket huko kwenu. mbona sijasikia ukisema unataka
dawa?

KUNA WIZI UMETOKEA BENKI

Jambazi "wote laleni chini pesa ni za serikali na maisha ni ya kwenu", wote wakalala chini
HII INAITWA DHANA YA USHAWISHI - kubadilisha njia ya kawaida ya kufikiria
••••••••••••••••••••••
Kuna dada kwa woga akawa amelala chini kimitego, Jambazi akamwambia, "dada hebu kuwa na adabu chukua kanga jifunike hili ni tukio la ujambazi na sio la ubakaji."
HUU UNAITWA WELEDI - zingatia ulichofundishwakufanya
•••••••••••••••••••••••
Walipotoka kwenye wizi jambazi mdogo ambaye ana shahada ya uzamili ya biashara akamwambia mwenzake, "tuzihesabu hizi fedha." Yule mkubwa akamcheka kwa dharau na kumjibu, "wewe mjinga sana hizo hazina haja ya kuhesabu saa mbili watatutangazia kwenye taarifa ya habari tumeiba kiasi gani.
HUU INAITWA UJUZI - Siku hizi ujuzi ndio bora kuliko vyeti
•••••••••••••••••••••••
Baada ya majambazi kuondoka meneja akamwambia mhasibu wa bank, " ujumlishie na zile milioni 80 tulizo iba sisi."
HUKU KUNAITWA KUOGELEA NA MKONDO WA MAJI - kushabihiana na mazingira magumu kwa faida binafsi.
•••••••••••••••••••••••
Mhasibu akafurahi na kusema, "dah wizi ukitokea kila mwezi itakuwa burudani sana."
HUKU KUNAITWA KUWA NA MAWAZO CHANYA - Furaha ndio kitu cha muhimu zaidi
•••••••••••••••••••••••
Meneja kafurahi sana kwa kuwa sasa matatizo yake yametatuliwa na wizi uliojitokeza.
HUKU KUNAITWA KUTHUBUTU- shikilia nafasi pale inapojitokeza hata kama ni hatari kiasi gani.
•••••••••••••••••••••••
Haya usiku wake taarifa ya habari ikatangaza kuwa wizi mkubwa sana wa million 100 umetokea leo benki. Majambazi kuskia hivyo wakaanza kuhesabu zile pesa lakini wakajikuta na milioni 20 tu. Yule jambazi mkubwa akashtuka na kusema, "dah! yaani meneja kaiba mara nne zaidi yetu bila kuchezesha msuli? Bora umeneja kuliko ujambazi."
HII INAITWA ELIMU NDIYO KILA KITU - ishike sana elimu ina nguvu kuliko dhahabu
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Kuchimba shimo

Mwalimu: Kama inachukua siku 3 kwa Wanaume 10
kuchimba shimo la futi 12. Je!, itachukua siku ngapi wanaume wa 5 kuchimba shimo hilo..?

John: Wala hawatochukua muda wowote kwa sababu
shimo lishachimbwa na wale wanaume 10...!!!

Kama mpenzi hapokei simu

Ukiona mpenzi wako hapokei simu ukimpigia.USIUMIZE KICHWA Mtumie namba za vocha Feki, utaona anapiga na kusema: "mbona inagoma kuingia mpenzi"!!
ni wazo 2 nimekupa.

kuku ni jamii ya NDEGE,

Mwalimu alimuuliza MADENGE: kuku ni jamii ya NDEGE,
je?
SAMAKI ni jamii ya nini?Madenge: akacheka sana kwa dharau kisha akajibu "itakuwa jamii ya MELI".

Kupata na kukosa

Mtoto: Eti baba kukosa na kupata kipi bora?
Baba: Bora kupata mwanangu.
Mtoto: Basi nimepata mimba baba

Wahaya kwa sifa....

Hii nimeckia leo kwenye matangazo ya vifo......
Ndugu Deus Rweyemamu wa Masaki anasikitika kutangaza kifo cha mwanae Jose Rweyemamu wa Oysterbay kilichotokea jana Pasis baada ya kupaliwa na burger akiwa anaendesha Hummer yake mpya. Msiba utafanyka kwa Aunt yake Marekani. Taarifa ziwafikie Ronaldo Rweyemamu wa Portugal,

Koku Kardashian Rweyemamu wa U.S.A.,

Torres Rweyemamu wa Spain,

Walcot Rweyemamu wa England na

House gal wao aliyepo Dubai Shoppng..!!

Msichana wa Kingoni

Msichana wa Kingoni noma kweli !!... kafumwa na Bwana ake anasaliti ndoa yao sa ile katika kujitetea anamwambia bwana ake 'We Baba Nanii wewe yaani Mwenzio alivyokuwa anabembeleza hata Ung'ekuwa Wewe ung'empa!!