happy birthday babyyy!!

Boy: happy birthday babyyy!!

Girl: Aww thank you sweetheart, what you get me?

Boy: it was a surprise, but you remember that pink Mercedes you wanted so bad?

Girl: OMG OMG OMG ! YES YES YES! I’M SCREAMING RIGHT NOW OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Boy: well, I got you a toothbrush, same color.

MPAKA FIRIGISI NA SHINGO

Mapacha walipenda kula kuku na chpsi,siku moja pacha wa kike akamwambia yule wa kiume"KUKU WAMENIAMBUKIZA MANYOYA".yule wa kiume akamwambia nionyeshe akamvulia chup* (akaona nywele za huko zimeanza kuota)...
WA KIUME:- naye akamwambia hata mimi wameniambukiza akamwonesha pacha wake,
WA KIKE:- "Haaaa! WEWE WAMEKWAMBUKIZA VIBAYA MPAKA FIRIGISI NA SHINGO!"

Mtanzania na mkenya

Mtanzania na mkenya waliingia supermarket moja jijini DSM.Walipotoka nje,mkenya akawa anajigamba kwamba wakenya ni wajanja kuliko wa-TZ huku akimuonesha m-TZ chocolate tatu alizokwiba supermarket.M-bongo akamshawishi mkenya warudi tena ndani ya supermarket ili naye akamuoneshe ustadi wake.Walipofika tu ndani,m-TZ akamwambia mhudumu,'nataka kukuonesha mazingaombwe,hebu niletee chocolate tatu!'.Yule mhudumu akamletea chocolate tatu,jamaa akazila zote mbele ya mhudumu halafu akasema,'unaona mhudumu,mwenyewe umeshuhudia nimekula chocolate tatu lakini amini usiamini,chocolate zako ziko mfukoni kwa huyu jamaa'.Mhudumu akamkagua mkenya mfukoni then akachukua chocolate zake zote tatu.

nimefika sehemu ya kukata vitunguu

Mke wa mtu alikua akisoma sms kutoka kwa mpenzi wake ghafla alijikuta akitokwa na machozi baada ya mpenzi wake kumwambia mapenzi yao yamefikia mwisho,mumewe akamuliza nani kakutumia sms?mke akajibu dada ,mume akauliza anasemaje?Mke akajibu ananieleza jinsi ya kupika pilau,mbona unalia?Mume akauliza,,,Ananielekeza jinsi ya kupika pilau ;si nimefika sehemu ya kukata vitunguu!!!!!

what did you name him?

A woman, who was pregnant with twins, got into a car accident and went into a coma… She was rushed to the hospital where doctors delivered her twins to save them. But as she was in a coma and her husband was overseas on business, her brother was the only one present to name her children.

When she came out of the coma, hours after arriving at the hospital and found out that her brother had named the twins, she was very worried. Her brother was not very bright, and she didn’t think he would have done a very good job of choosing her kids’ names.

When he came in to see her she asked, “So what names did you choose for my children?”

He replied, “The first born was a girl.”

“Oh,” started the woman, “and what did you name her??”

“Denise,” answered her brother.

The woman was very surprised, and very pleased, “Hey, that’s not half bad!” She exclaimed to her brother. “And what did you name the second child?” She waited excitedly to hear the name her brother had chosen for the other child.

“Well, the next born was a boy,” her brother informed her.

“Yes, and what did you name him?” inquired the woman.

Replied the brother, “Denephew.”

mahari yake utaiweza

Ebana kuna jamaa huku kaenda kutoa posa sasa kufika nyumban kwao yule bnt mazungmzo yakawa kama ifuatvyo;
KIJANA-Mzee mimi nimekuja kumchumbia mtoto wenu!
MZEE-Sawa kijana lakin mahari yake utaiweza?
KIJANA-Aaah taja tu mzee wangu haina tatizo maana nimempenda mwenyewe!
MZEE-OK. ni tsh milioni tu.
KIJANA-Nini...!! millioni 2! wakati nyumba ya jirani apo yupo wa laki 1 tu na ana mimba tayari!!!!

mbona umeanguka

Kichaa alipanda juu ya mti ya mwembe tokea asubuhi, kila mwalimu wake akimwambia ashuke anagoma, Ilipofika jioni akanguka, mwalimu akamuuliza vipi tena mbona umeanguka?
Kichaa: nimeiva.

HIGH SCHOOL

Mwalimu wa vichaa alinzisha shule chini ya mti kwa vichaa wake, akawacha waendelee kusoma alipo rudi baada ya siku tatu akamkuta mmoja wao yupo juu ya mti akamuuliza vipi? mbona upo huko juu?
Kichaaa: nipo HIGH SCHOOL

Safi sana safi sana mwanangu

Jamaa kaingia chuo katikati ya simesta kaishiwa akamuandikia baba yake barua. 'Chuoni mambo mazuri sana, kuna maajabu hapa maprofesa hapa wamegundua njia ya kufundisha mbwa kuongea, mlete Bobi na shilingi laki 5, baada ya muda atakuwa anaweza kuongea. Mzee wa watu haraka akatuma mkwanja na mbwa, haikuchukua muda mkwanja ukaisha. Denti akamtumia baba yake barua nyingine kuwa wameboresha program sasa wanaweza kumfundisha mbwa kusoma, mzee aongeze milioni mbili tu. Mzee wa watu aliyekuwa tayari anajisifu kijiji kizima akauza ng'ombe akatuma mkwanja. Likizo ikafika Denti akabaki anawaza anaenda kumwambia nini baba yake. Alipofika tu baba yake akamuulizia Bobi wake. Denti akamuita baba yake pembeni,' Baba hili nitakalokwambia sitaki mama asikie'. Baba akauliza,'Vipi tena?'. Denti akaanza,' Jumapili iliyopita tumeamka vizuri na Bobi, yeye kama kawaida yake akaenda kuchukua gazeti la Mzalendo na kukaa kwenye kiti na kuanza kusoma, ghafla wakati anasoma akaniita akanambia hivi baba yako bado anaendelea na kale kachangudoa ka pale mtaa wa pili? Nilishtuka'. Baba akaingilia kati,'Ungemuua hapo hapo mbwa mshenzi huyu anataka kuniharibia mambo yangu?', Denti akajibu,'Baba na mimi lilinijia wazo hilohilo sikumchelewesha nikamtwanga nyundo ya kichwa'. Baba akamsifu mwanae, 'Safi sana safi sana mwanangu'

mtoto hachezi tumboni

Mjamzito kaenda hospitali akakutana na daktari aliyegoma mazungumzo yakawa hivi:
Mjamzito: Dokta mtoto hachezi tumboni tangu juzi sijui nifanyeje!

Daktari: Meza kitenesi na filimbi, ukiona bado hachezi meza kadi nyekundu atoke nje kabisa

DEGREE YA UDAKTARI CBE

Mvulana; Unasoma?
Msichana: Hapa sisomi, vipi wewe unasoma?
Mvulana: Ndo namalizia kidato cha nne jangwani

Msichana: Jamani hiyo si shule ya wasichana?
Mvulana: aah, sorry nimechanganya nipo kisutu
Msichana: Mweeembona nayo ya wasichana?
Mvunala:haah aah nilikua nakutania tu nachukua masters VETA
Msichana: ina maana VETA imeanza kutoa masters?
Mvulana: Ishia zako demu mwenyewe mbaya kama nini...unaniuliza maswali kama tupo uhamiaji?
KWA TAARIFA YAKO NACHUKUA DEGREE YA UDAKTARI CBE.

Vipi Mvua Imeisha?

Kuna Jamaa alifiwa hivyo akaenda kununua jeneza, baada ya kulinunua akakodisha pick-uk 

na akakaa nalo. Njiani kuelekea msibani mvua ikanyesha sana, jamaa akaingia ndani ya jeneza kujikinga na mvua. Njiani watu waliomwomba dereva lift ili nao wafike msibani, wakapanda nyuma kwenye pick-up nao wakakaa nyuma pamoja na jeneza. Kufika kwenye foleni si jamaa akafunua jeneza akauliza "Vipi Mvua Imeisha?". watu wote ndukiii...

your wife had accident

POLICE:- "Sir your wife had accident
please come and identify the body"
HUS:- "Am busy now you take a photo
and tag me on FACEB00K if its her I
willl click LIKE"

wasichana wa zamani

wasichana wa zaman walijua kupika kama
mama zao, wasichana wa siku hizi ni walevi
kama baba zao.

Mabinti wenye adabu

Kuna makabila mengine mabinti wanalelewa kuwa na adabu na shukurani kwa kila wanachopewa. Si nimeona mdada kaipigia magoti ATM wakati anachukua pesa.