Nani Mwoga?

siku moja mtu na mkewe walikuwa wanabishana ni nani muoga kuliko mwenzie, mume akasema mke ndio muoga zaidi na mke akasema mume ndio muoga zaidi. wakaamua kuwauliza watoto wao.
Baba: jamani kati yangu mimi na mama yenu nani muoga zaidi?
Mtoto wa kwanza: mama ndio muoga kwa sababu anaogopa hata kutoka nje usiku baba akiwa amesafiri.
Mtoto wa pili: mimi naona baba ndio muoga zaidi, maana anaogopa hata kulala peke yake mama akiwa amesafiri anamuita dada (msichana wa kazi) analala nae hadi asubuhi.

Fundi Bomba.

fundi bomba alikuwa akitengeneza bomba la bafuni nyumbani kwa Zena. Zena akamfuata na kumwambia "naweza kuoga wakati wewe ukila chakula cha mcahana?"
Fundi akajibu: "bila shaka unaweza, ila tahadhari maji yasiingie kwenye chakula changu.

lina habari motomoto

Jonh alinunua gazeti na kwenda nalo nyumbani Asha, alipo fika akaliweka kwenye friji. Asha akashangazwa na jambo hilo na kuamua kumuuliza Jonh, "mbona umeweka gazeti kwenye  friji?"
Jonh: "wameandika lina habari motomoto, acha  zipoe kidigo nizisome.

Yesu Wangu

Mapadre wa kanisa moja walikuwa wanasafiri kwa basi lakini kabla ya kuanza safari yao kiongozi wao akawaambia , "mkiona mwanamke amevaa vibaya, anatembea kwa mwendo wa majaribu wa kishetani, msimwangalie sana bali mtake msaada wa Bwana kwa kusema 'Yesu Wangu'".
Safari ikaanza, baada ya dakika kadhaa padre mmoja akasema "Yesu Wangu". wenzake wote wakajeuka wakitizama nje na kumuuliza, "yupo wapi?"

Sehemu gani ya mwili mtu akifa inaenda mbinguni?

Mwalimu aliuliza swali wanafunzi wa chekechea wakawa wanajibu.

Mwalimu: Sehemu gani ya mwili mtu akifa inaenda mbinguni?

Mwanafunzi 1: Roho ndio inaenda.

Mwanafunzi 2: Moyo.

Mwanafunzi 3: Miguu.

Mh! Mwalimu alistuka akauliza "enhe kwa nini miguu?"

Mwanafunzi wa 3 akajibu...

"Jana nliona mama kanyoosha miguu juu uku akisema "oh God am coming...
Huku baba kamlalia juu asiende"

utaendelea kuitwa Punda hivyo hivyo

Siku moja punda alienda kwa SIMBA 'mfalme wa mbuga' kushitaki wenziwe
wanaomcheka na kumuita PUNDA, jina hili la punda hakulipenda kabisa
kwa sababu wenziwe wanasema jina hilo ni kwa ujinga mwingi alonao huyo
punda ndipo akaitwa punda. Mazungumzo yao yakawa hivi:
Simba: Wacha nikupe mtihani mdogo kupima akili yako kama kweli wewe ni
mjanja na mwerevu kama wenzio, ukishinda mtihani huu nitakubadili jina
na kukuita Farasi.
Punda: Nipime ujanja wangu na utanikuta ni mwerevu sana kushinda
wenzangu.
Simba: Sawa, sasa nenda mbiooooo mpaka nyumbani kwangu ukaniangalie
nipo huko au sipo nyumbani mwangu? Halafu urudi unipe jibu.
Punda: Kazi rahisi sana hiyo, nisubiri hapa nakuja sasa hivi.
Basi bwana Punda akatoka mbio hadi kwa nyumbani kwa mfalme kwenda
kumwangalia kama yupo.
Kweli Punda zuzu, sasa anakwenda kumwangalia nani wakati mfalme
mwenyewe amemuacha njiani.
Aliporudi mambo yakawa hivi:
Simba: Enhee vipi umenikuta?
Punda: Mh! Haupo.
Simba: Basi kama ndivyo, utaendelea kuitwa Punda hivyo hivyo kutokana
na akili yako ndogo. Sasa umekwenda kwangu kunitafuta vipi wakati
umeniacha hapa? Haya potea hapa haraka sana, Punda wewe! Kuanzia hapo
jina la Punda linabaki kuwa hivyo hivyo!!!

Shuka nikumeze

Mama mmoja alikuwa akiishi ghorofani peke yake lakini alikuwa muoga
sana . Siku moja asubuhi wakati anashuka kuelekea chini akasikia sauti
ikisema, Shuka nikumeze! Shuka nikumeze!
Mh! Yule mama kusikia vile moyo ukaanza kumwenda mbio akijua kwamba
kuna jitu kubwa ambalo ndilo linalomwambia hivyo na kwamba kweli
akishuka litammeza.
Basi akaamua kupiga simu polisi ili waje wamsaidie. Haikupita muda
polisi wakafika nyumbani kwa yule mama wakiwa wamejikoki vizuri huku
wakiwa na silaha nzito.
Cha ajabu sasa walipofika wakakutana na kichaa mmoja mdogo kadhoofika
akiwa amelala chini ya lile ghorofa, kamasi zikimtoka mithili ya dawa
ya mswaki iliyominywa huku akiimba Shuka nikumeze! Shuka nikumeze,
akimaanisha kamasi zishuke azimeze!

malaika akakwambia unanafasi ya kurudi tena duniani

Umelala,ukaota umekufa,uko mbinguni,ila malaika akakwambia unanafasi ya kurudi tena duniani.Ila uchague,urudi kama kuku au kama bata.Ukaöna bora kuku.Ukaambiwa lazima ufanye mazoezi ya kutaga,basi ukasukuma,likatoka yai zurii,ukasukuma tena,likatoka lapili zuri sana.Ukaamka,kucheki,dah, umejisaidia ...!

Mumin na Padri

Mumini alienda kuungama kwa Padri, maungamo yalikuwa hivi.
mumini;- Naungama kwa Mungu wangu na Padri wangu kwakua nimetenda dhambi, zambi  zangu ni hizi, nimehifadhi picha za ngono kwenye simu yangu na pia nina sms za matusi kwenye simu yangu.
Padri:- aka mwambia kwa sauti ya kunon'goneza NIFOADIEEEEE

from Wendo by sms.

Chuo maalum kwa ajili ya kutoa ajira za chapchap

*Chuo maalum kwa ajili ya kutoa ajira za chapchap kimefunguliwa hapa
Kiborloni,
Chuo Kimesajiliwa na VETA na kina waalimu waliobobea katika nyanja
zote

Chuo kinapokea maombi kwa wanafunzi waliomaliza darasa la saba kwa
ajili ya kozi zifuatazo:*

*1.** **Ulevi Mwezi mmoja;*

*2.** **Ujambazi miezi sita;*

*3.** **Kuchoma mtu kisu wiki moja;*

*4.** **Kuchoma nyama kwenye baa miezi miwili;*

*5. Kung’arisha viatu wiki tatu (maalum kwa vijana wa Rombo);*

*6.** **Kuuza duka miezi mitatu;*

*7.** **Kurekebisha mipaka ya kiwanja cha jirani miezi minne;*

*8.** **Kupata mume msomi na mwenye wadhifa mkubwa miaka miwili;*

*9.** **Kufuga ng’ombe mwaka mmoja;*

*10.** **Kuendesha pick-up miezi minne;*

*11.** **Kugombea udiwani miaka miwili;*

*12.** **Kuendesha pikipiki za bodaboda na bajaji wiki sita;*

*13.** **Kuchakachua mafuta mwaka mmoja;*

*14.** **Kupata kazi TRA miezi mitatu;*

*15.** **Kukwepa kodi wiki nane; na

*16.** **jinsi ya kuishi eneo la Kimara, Dar es salaam.*

*17.** **Kukatisha tiketi kwenye magari ya Moshi, Dar na Arusha ni
bure;*

Mwanafunzi lazima awe mchaga wa kuzaliwa pia baba na mama yake wawe
wachaga, mwenye elimu ya msingi na asizidi miaka 18

mwisho wa kupikea maombi ni kabla ya kuhitimu miaka 19
Nafasi za malazi zipo
*Watakaojiandikisha mapema watafundishwa bila malipo,

Barua kwa anuan hii

chuo

box 54688

Darr Es Malaam
Tanzania

Jost

Mkuu wa chuo

MCHAGGA NI YUPI HASA?

There is no Chagga tribe but just different groups of people living on
the southern slopes of Mount of Kilimanjaro with the following
characteristics:

WAMACHAME (Business entrepreneurs) Huwezi kujua nani mwanamke na ni
nani mwanaume. Kila kitu ni pesa. Yaani hata kama ni mkeo wa ndoa
inakuwa hivi " kama hutoi pesa ya mbege ndoa yangu sikupi babangu"
Basi kule Machame chakula cha ndoa au nimesemaje? Kufanya mapenzi ni
kwa kipimo. Ukiwa katikati mama anakwambia STOOOOOOP! Hapo shilingi
Elfu 20 zako ndio zimekwisha; Ukitaka ongezandio uendelee. Yahye,
unasikia nasema MKE WA NDOA! Wamachame hao! Uchumba tu, lazima upeleke
Kapati la mbeho!

WAKIBOSHO (Specialized bandits) Mama akiwa anapiga soga na mwenziwe
utawasikia hivi"Yaani Dadangu, we acha tu yule Alex wangu siku hisi
amepefuka kweli; Ana akili we acha tu! Haibi tena mfukoni siku hisi,
ameunda kundi lake la ujambasi, Krisimasi hii lasima nitaletewa
fitenge file fya Kongo. Binti naye, AKIOLEWA NA KYASAKA, baba na mama
wanamwambia " Hivi wewe huyu mwanaume kwani ni ndugu yako ? Leta hizo
pesa sake tujengee huku kwetu Manka!!

WAURU (The Elites)Very boring people, wakikaa ni kuongea kuhusu shule
tuuuuuuuuu, masomo, digrii. Yaani yukanoti bilivu! Babu wa miaka 70
bado madaftari yake ya primary ameweka sandukuni!! Atawaonyesha
wajukuu zake wote: "Ona hand writing yangu ilivyokuwa nzuri wakati
nafundishwa na Father Wilson Payatt. Wanakumbuka majina ya waalimu wao
hasa wazungu tangu chekechea.Uzuri wao, wanamwogopa sana Mungu.
Kengele ya KANISANI ikilia saa sita mchana utaona wazee wote kilabuni
wanaamka na kusali sala ya mchana ndio wanaendelea kunywa
mbege.Wanapenda maparachichi hao! We acha tu!!

WA OLD MOSHI (The Mechanics)!Actually Mama Mkapa ni beauty Queen kule
kwao. Yaani mimi sisemi we nenda kachague mwenyewe.Taabu, Wanaume ni
wabishi! Kama mkia wa mbuzi!Wanakunywa kisusio hata cha Nguruwe!! Na
Gongonyingiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiii (Wenyewe waita Crysta-pen!)

WAMARANGU (The handsome liars)!Wanaume wote ni waongo. Actually kuna
somola "jinsi ya kudanganya" shule zote za primary kule Marangu. Both
wanaume na Wanawake maisha ni raha tupu.Kwa Mmarangu halisi, kwanza
ananunua gari, anachapamaisha, nae kulala kwenye gari wakati kodi ya
nyumbainamshinda ni jambo la kawaida.

WAROMBO: (The salesmen)!Kazi mtindo mmoja! Hawana tofauti ni kuruti wa
Jeshi!Wanawake tunawaita "KUBOTA" aina ya matrekta waliyosambazwa
Kilimanjaro na Wajapani miaka ya 1970. Watafutaji wa pesa!!!! We acha
tu. Wahindi hawaoni ndani!Lakini ukimchezea anakuua na kukimbilia
Kenya kupitia Tarakea.Ushauri wa bure! Rafiki yangu uamue mwenyewe
lakini kwa ushaurimwepesi mwepesi nenda Uru (wasomi) au Rombo
(wachapakazi) . Chaguo ni lako

Mpare aliyeweka pesa benki

Kuna Mpare mmoja anaishi karibu na Benki, baada ya kushawishiwa kwa
muda mrefu na ndugu na marafiki zake aweke pesa Benki kwa usalama wa
pesa zake, kwa taabu sana akakubali kuweka pesa Benki. Kuanzia siku
hiyo alizoweka hizo pesa, usiku kucha anakesha dirishani na filimbi
mdomoni, kila akipita mtu karibu na hiyo Benki, Mpare wa watu anapiga
filimbi kuwaamsha walinzi piii... piiiii....! Wote woga anaogopa,
asije mtu akaiba pesa zake....!

Konda na Visoda.

konda wa daladala alikuwa hana tiketi ili asije kusumbuana na abiria wake akawa anagawa visoda badala ya tiketi.

Confession

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"

In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."

Three gay men died

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."