Maisha ni kitu cha kustajabisha sana

Maisha ni kitu cha kustajabisha sana, wale unaowadhania kuwa wema ndo hatari ona kama hawa;

Daktari: anakuombea uumwe.

Wakili: anakuombea upate kesi

Mtengeneza majeneza: anakuombea ufe

Police: anakuombea uwe mhalifu au ufanye kosa

Mwizi: ndio pekee anaekuombea ufanikiwe ili akuibie. Na wewe muombee anaekuombea mema ili nay eye azidi kufanikiwa.

I think this man is crazy!

Mtalii na mtafsiri wake Mtalii: Do you have vegetables here. Mtafsiri: Mnavyo vijimeza hapa. Waiter: Vijimeza vidogo hatuna. Mtafsiri: No sir, they don't have. Mtalii: OK, fine, do you have hot dogs. Mtafsiri: Sawa, je mnao mbwa wa moto. Waiter: Loh! Bwana we, hatupiki mbwa hapa. Mtafsiri: They don't cook here Mtalii: What type of snacks do you have here. Mtafsiri: Aina ngapi ya nyoka mnao hapa, Waiter: We bwana we hapa hatupiki aina yeyote ya nyoka, mwache akale nyumbani kwao. Mtafsiri: They don't cook any type of snacks here, maybe you can go back and eat at home. Mtalii: OK, at least give us a cocktail juice. Mtafsiri: OK, tupatie hata juisi ya mkia wa jogoo. Waiter: Hebu tokeni na bangi zenu hapa, tena sasa hivi kabla sijakasirika. Mtafsiri: Lets get out of here, I think this man is crazy!
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I am the husband

Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night
and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back!"

Man gets up, jumps out of the window,
hurts himself, and then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!"
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get a sperm count

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
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mbona leo unaninyanyua

Jost alitoka kanisani alivofika nyumbani akaanza kumkumbatia mke wake na kumnyanyua juu, mke wake akauliza vipi honey mbona leo unaninyanyua na si kawaida yako? Jost akajibu..leo mchungaji amesema tuyanyanyue matatzo yetu juu kwa bwana.
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your wife is controlling you

A pastor announced, "If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left".
All the men in the church moved to left except Jost.
The pastor was amused and asked, "How come your wife can't control you ?"
Jost quietly replied,"Pastor, it's my wife who told me not to move"..
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Kuruka GETI

John ni chizi katika hospital ya mirembe kwa muda wa miaka 7, alipoamua kutoroka alifanya mazoezi ya kuruka ukuta kwa geti kwa miezi mitano, siku ya kutotora aliwaaga marafiki zake, baada ya muda akarudi wakamuuliza vipi? akajibu nimekuta geti lipo wazi nimeshindwa kuruka, wenzie wakamuambia sasa si ungelifunga ili uruke? akawajibu, nilitaka kulifunga lakini sikuona funguo, nimejaribu kumtafuta mlinzi mpaka kule nje vichakani lakini sijamuona.

shut up, you idiot

A drunk guy was with his girlfriend in a cinema and suddenly, he fell asleep. After a while, he woke up and started screaming 'MY PENIS, MY PENIS, MYPENIS'!

All the people in the cinema were surprised at the guys behaviour.
He continued, 'Where is my penis? Someone has cut my penis and my nuts! Oh God what have I done to deserve this?' The embarrassed girlfriend said 'shut up, you idiot! Your hand is in my panty'!

Who do you like more, Mum or Dad?

DAD: Who do you like more, Mum or Dad?

John: Both.

DAD: Ok if I go to America and your mum goes to
Paris, where will you go

John: Paris

DAD: That means you like your mum more?

John: No, I like Paris.

DAD: OK, if I go to Paris and your mum goes
to America, where will you go
John: America.

DAD: [angry] Why!?

John: Because I've been to Paris before

WW, WA, PP & APR

A guy in a hurry used the ladies 'toilet in a posh hotel'.. He sat down and noticed four buttons -
WW, WA, PP & APR. Curious, he pressed WW &
his butt was gently sprayed with WARM WATER,
he loved it so much!

He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM AIR dried him up. Still loving it, He pressed PP & a
POWDER PUFF to make him smell fresh. Feeling
pampered, he decided to press the last button
APR.

He later woke up in a hospital.

A nurse smiled & said to him, Sir, APR means
AUTOMATIC PAD REMOVER.
When the machine couldn't find a pad on you,it went for your balls.
Your balls are in the jar over there!

My wife is having a heart attack

John gets home early
from
work and hears strange
noises
coming from the
bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find
his wife
naked on the bed,
sweating and
panting. "What's up?" he
says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries
the woman.
He rushes downstairs
to grab the
phone for ambulance,
but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-
old son
comes up and says,
"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle
Fred is hiding in
your closet and he's got no
clothes on!"
John slams the phone
down
and storms upstairs
into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips
open the
wardrobe door. Sure
enough,
there is his brother, totally
naked,
covering on the closet
floor.
"You idiot!" John says,
"My wife is having a heart attack and
you're running around
naked
scaring the kids.....

Chinese man

A Chinese man took a prostitute
to his home and they started
having sex.

Once he was done,he jumped
out of the bed,
ran to the
window,took a deep breath
then went under the bed and
came out through the other side
and started having sex with the girl again.

When he finished the 2nd
time,he jumped off the bed
went to the window,took a deep breath,went under the
bed and came out from the other side then started having sex again..

He did these until the 8ths time. The girl was real impressed by
his stamina.
After the 10ths round she decided to try it for herself.

So she jumped off the bed,went
to the window, took a deep breath, went under the bed and
saw 10 more chinese men naked.

Did you see anything under the table that you liked?

Two couples were playing cards. John
accidentally dropped some cards on The floor.
When he bent down under the table to pick them
up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing
any underwear! He was Shocked by this, John
hit His head on the table and emerged red-
faced. Later when John went to the kitchen to
get some refreshments'' Bill's wife followed him
and asked, "Did you see anything under the
table that you liked? John admitted that, well,
yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will
cost you $50. " After a minute or, two,
John indicates that he is interested. She tells
him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and
John doesn't, John should come to her house
around 2:00 PM on Friday; So John did went to
her house at 2:00PM. After paying her the $50
they went to the bedroom, had sex for about
Two hours, and then John left. Bill came home
about 6:00PM, and asked his wife,"Did John
come by this afternoon?" ''Shocked, she
replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes."Next Bill asked, "Did John give you
$50?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!'Reluctan tly
she says,"Yes, he did give me $50." "Good,"Bill
says. "John came by the office this morning and
borrowed the $50 from me and said he'd stop
by our house on his way home and pay me back.
"It's good to have a friend you can
trust"...

"Like" button

I think am seriously addicted
---Today I was reading the
newspaper and found myself
looking for the "Like" button

the whole town is in trouble

A boy called up his mom
"mom, i have AIDS"

Mom "what? don't come back
home son, go away"

Boy "why mom, i'm your son"

Mom "you foolish boy!

If you come back home, then
your wife will be
infected,from your wife to
your brother,

from your brother to our
maid, from our maid to your dad,

from your dad to my sister,

from my sister to her husband,

from her husband to me,

from me to our gardener,

from our gardener to your sister...

And if your sister got it, then

the whole town is in trouble........ ­.