shut up, you idiot

A drunk guy was with his girlfriend in a cinema and suddenly, he fell asleep. After a while, he woke up and started screaming 'MY PENIS, MY PENIS, MYPENIS'!

All the people in the cinema were surprised at the guys behaviour.
He continued, 'Where is my penis? Someone has cut my penis and my nuts! Oh God what have I done to deserve this?' The embarrassed girlfriend said 'shut up, you idiot! Your hand is in my panty'!

Who do you like more, Mum or Dad?

DAD: Who do you like more, Mum or Dad?

John: Both.

DAD: Ok if I go to America and your mum goes to
Paris, where will you go

John: Paris

DAD: That means you like your mum more?

John: No, I like Paris.

DAD: OK, if I go to Paris and your mum goes
to America, where will you go
John: America.

DAD: [angry] Why!?

John: Because I've been to Paris before

WW, WA, PP & APR

A guy in a hurry used the ladies 'toilet in a posh hotel'.. He sat down and noticed four buttons -
WW, WA, PP & APR. Curious, he pressed WW &
his butt was gently sprayed with WARM WATER,
he loved it so much!

He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM AIR dried him up. Still loving it, He pressed PP & a
POWDER PUFF to make him smell fresh. Feeling
pampered, he decided to press the last button
APR.

He later woke up in a hospital.

A nurse smiled & said to him, Sir, APR means
AUTOMATIC PAD REMOVER.
When the machine couldn't find a pad on you,it went for your balls.
Your balls are in the jar over there!

My wife is having a heart attack

John gets home early
from
work and hears strange
noises
coming from the
bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find
his wife
naked on the bed,
sweating and
panting. "What's up?" he
says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries
the woman.
He rushes downstairs
to grab the
phone for ambulance,
but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-
old son
comes up and says,
"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle
Fred is hiding in
your closet and he's got no
clothes on!"
John slams the phone
down
and storms upstairs
into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips
open the
wardrobe door. Sure
enough,
there is his brother, totally
naked,
covering on the closet
floor.
"You idiot!" John says,
"My wife is having a heart attack and
you're running around
naked
scaring the kids.....

Chinese man

A Chinese man took a prostitute
to his home and they started
having sex.

Once he was done,he jumped
out of the bed,
ran to the
window,took a deep breath
then went under the bed and
came out through the other side
and started having sex with the girl again.

When he finished the 2nd
time,he jumped off the bed
went to the window,took a deep breath,went under the
bed and came out from the other side then started having sex again..

He did these until the 8ths time. The girl was real impressed by
his stamina.
After the 10ths round she decided to try it for herself.

So she jumped off the bed,went
to the window, took a deep breath, went under the bed and
saw 10 more chinese men naked.

Did you see anything under the table that you liked?

Two couples were playing cards. John
accidentally dropped some cards on The floor.
When he bent down under the table to pick them
up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing
any underwear! He was Shocked by this, John
hit His head on the table and emerged red-
faced. Later when John went to the kitchen to
get some refreshments'' Bill's wife followed him
and asked, "Did you see anything under the
table that you liked? John admitted that, well,
yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will
cost you $50. " After a minute or, two,
John indicates that he is interested. She tells
him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and
John doesn't, John should come to her house
around 2:00 PM on Friday; So John did went to
her house at 2:00PM. After paying her the $50
they went to the bedroom, had sex for about
Two hours, and then John left. Bill came home
about 6:00PM, and asked his wife,"Did John
come by this afternoon?" ''Shocked, she
replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes."Next Bill asked, "Did John give you
$50?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!'Reluctan tly
she says,"Yes, he did give me $50." "Good,"Bill
says. "John came by the office this morning and
borrowed the $50 from me and said he'd stop
by our house on his way home and pay me back.
"It's good to have a friend you can
trust"...

"Like" button

I think am seriously addicted
---Today I was reading the
newspaper and found myself
looking for the "Like" button

the whole town is in trouble

A boy called up his mom
"mom, i have AIDS"

Mom "what? don't come back
home son, go away"

Boy "why mom, i'm your son"

Mom "you foolish boy!

If you come back home, then
your wife will be
infected,from your wife to
your brother,

from your brother to our
maid, from our maid to your dad,

from your dad to my sister,

from my sister to her husband,

from her husband to me,

from me to our gardener,

from our gardener to your sister...

And if your sister got it, then

the whole town is in trouble........ ­.

hold her for me. I'm going for yours

A guy sits in a taxi and sees his
wife entering
a
hotel with another man, and tells
the driver(akpos).
Do you want to Earn $500 right
away ?,,,,
The driver(akpos) excitedly said what do
I have to
do ?..
Bring my wife by the hair out of
that hotel,
here's
a picture of her.
After a while the driver(akpos) is seen
dragging a
woman
by the hair,
While kicking and beating her
and puts her in
the
Taxi.
And the husband says to him,
"This is not my
wife" the driver(akpos) replied "
Nooooo , this is
mine,
hold her for me. I'm going for
yours"!

The two pastors fainted

Three pastors met & agreed to sincerely tell each other their problems which must be kept a secret between the three of them.
The first pastor(Johnny) said; my problem is money l do steal even from the church offering. Please pray for me. The second pastor(emeka); mine is women. Whenever l see any woman my desire will be to go to bed with her, infact l have slept with most of the church (female) members. Turning to the third pastor(Akpors) to hear his problem he started crying (it took his friends some effort to calm him). When they asked him to continue, he was still crying, he said my problem is gossiping, when we leave this place everybody will hear all what the two of you have just told me. Please pray for me!
The two pastors fainted.

alibaba and the 40 thieves

Four guys were discussing about thier wive's.
The first guy said "when my wife was pregnant she read,the novel: the 2 cities and gave birth 2 twins". The second guy said, my wife read the 2 musketeers and gave birth 2 triplet. Akpos stood up and started running heading home when asked why? he then said "my wife is pregnant and she's reading alibaba and the 40 thieves.

Money isn't everything

Money, money, money

It can buy a House

But not a Home

It can buy a Bed

But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock

But not Time

It can buy you a Book

But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position

But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine

But not Health

It can buy you Blood

But not Life

So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering...

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

I won't go for that umbrella!

Three tortoises, Tinku, Teku and Toku, went into a restaurant. Each of them ordered a large ice cream sundae. They were waiting for their order when they noticed that it was pouring with rain outside.

"We are going to need our umbrellas," said Toku. Tinku agreed. They both decided that Teku should run home to get the umbrellas, but he didn't want to go in case they ate his ice-cream while he was away. But Toku and Tinku promised that they would do nothing of the kind, so Teku set off.

One week went by and Teku did not return. Two weeks went by and still he did not appear. Halfway through the third week, Tinku turned to Toku and said, "Come on, let's eat his ice cream."

"Okay, let's," said Toku.

Just then Teku's voice piped up from under the next table, "If you do, I won't go for that umbrella!"

cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home.

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"

The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?"

The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision."

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"

God said He never spoke to you yesterday

Teacher fell asleep in class and
a little naughty boy walked up
to him,
Little boy: "Teacher are you
sleeping in class?"
Teacher: "No I am not sleeping in class."
Little boy: "What were you
doing sir ?"
Teacher: "I was talking to God."
The next day the naughty boy
fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him...
Teacher: "young man, you are
sleeping in my class."
Little boy: "No not me sir, I am
not sleeping."
Angry teacher: "What were you doing.??"
Little boy: "I was talking to
God."
Angry teacher: "What did He
say??"
Little boy: "God said He never spoke to you yesterday."