DROWN YOURSELF YOU BLOODY IDIOT!

Kilaza gets married and on his wedding night he calls his father for some tips on what to do (because he has never been with a woman before).

Kilaza: so what do i do first?
KILAZA' FATHER: take her clothes off and lay her on the bed.

Two minutes later Kilaza on the phone again "she is naked and in bed, what do I do now?" His father can't believe what he is hearing.

KIlaza' FATHER: take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her

After another two minutes poor Kilaza is on the phone again.

KIlaza: dad I'm naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?

His dad's patience is now running thin so he says, "shit son, do I have to spell everything out for you? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees Good night!" Just when the old man starts snoring, Akpos is on the phone again.

KIlaza: ok dad, i have my head in the toilet bowl what do i do next?
Kilaza' FATHER: DROWN YOURSELF YOU BLOODY IDIOT!

I am writing a letter

TEACHER: What are you doing?
Jost: I am writing a letter.
TEACHER: To who?
Jost: To myself. 
Jost: What's inside the letter.
Jost: How am I supposed to know, I haven't received it yet!

ARE U FEELING BORED?

ARE U FEELING BORED?
AND U ARE WONDERING WHAT TO DO?
It's simple.. (Follow these steps)
1. Open ur zip
2. Insert ur hand
3. Slowly take out your
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Pen & Paper from ur bag and write:
"I love you DAD and MUM" 10000 times!!

can you see bacteria without microscope?

TEACHER: Draw a diagram of bacteria. 
[Few minutes later]
Jost: Here it is sir. 
TEACHER: Where? You haven't drawn anything
Jost: Sir, can you see bacteria without microscope?

REPRODUCTION

SCIENCE TEACHER: OUR
TOPIC TODAY IS
REPRODUCTION!
CLASS: YES SIR!
TEACHER: SO WHAT IS
REPRODUCTION?
Jost: It's TODAY'S
TOPIC!

U buy a car for your girl

U buy a car for your girl,
Another guy pays 4 d fuel for her;
that is Division of labour.
U buy her clothes & anoda
removes them;
that is Separation of powers.
U pay 4 her school fees & anoda guy
pays 4 her house rent;dat is
Combined business.
She tells u that she is not ready 2
make luv, while anoda guy sleeps
with her always;what is that
called?
( A) Breach of contract.
( B) Scale of preference
( C)opportunity cost
Start work...............

mjinga wewe kumbe huna hela

Jason: Mna chakula gani?
Waiter: Kuku, nyama, njahi, pilau,
na kadhalika.
Jason: Kuku ni wa kienyeji eh?
Spendi wakisasa.
Waiter: Ni wa kienyeji
Jason: Nyama ni choma au
Wa mchuzi
Waiter: wote wapo hata wakuokwa...
Jason: Ni soft, unajua meno
yangu hayataki vitu ngumu
Waiter: Ni soft kabisa
Jason: Na soda ni shilling ngapi?
Waiter: Ni 600
Jason: Hata kama sibebi
chupa?
Waiter: Ni hiyo bei tu.
Jason: kachumbari ni bure?
Waiter: ndiyo
Jason: Basi nipe kachumbari na glass ya maji.
Waiter: samahani kachumbari imekwisha
Jason: Nipe maji tu basi.

Waiter: mjinga wewe kumbe huna hela..

by Elvis Iravonga Man-Utd (facebook name)

nend­­a na usinipigie tena

1ST SCENE
JAMAA:"Mbona unajikuna sana kichwani swty?"
DEM:"Beib nywele zinaniwasha kweli."
JAMAA:"Itabidi uende salon(huku anatoa wallet mfukoni)
2ND SCENE
JAMAA:"Swity njoo home...nakungoj­a."
DEM:"Acha nichukue bus nakuja."
JAMAA:"Aaa chukua taxi,bus utachelewa."
DEM:"But beib..."
JAMAA:"But ya nini mrembo...we chukua taxi mi nitalipa."
DEM:"Ok beib am on ma way."
3RD SCENE
JAMAA:"Hi ma love morning,how was ur nyt?"
DEM:"Morning 2 u darling..it was gr8"
4TH SCENE
JAMAA:"Mbona kimya hun hata sms sioni?"
DEM:"Sina airtime."
JAMAA:"Acha nikimbie dukani nakusambazia credit sasa hivi hunny."
DEM"Sawah beib am waiting."
5TH SCENE
DEM:"Beib am going out 2nyt."
JAMAA:"Aaah usiende bana hao marafiki zako wa kike siwaamini,watak­­utafutia msela mwengine."
DEM:"Dont worry swty i only love u..mwaah "

*AFTER SEX*
1ST SCENE
JAMAA:"Acha kujikuna kichwa nawewe."
DEM:"Jamani beib nywele zinaniwasha."
JAMAA:"Unataraj­­ia nini kama huzisafishi lazima ziwashe."
DEM:"Eeh jamani ishakuwa hivyo hunny."
JAMAA:"Si unyoe tu nikupe 2000 uende kunyoa?"
2ND SCENE
DEM:"Swty uko home nije?"
JAMAA:"Yep panda bus hapo uje..fanya haraka coz nataka kutoka."
DEM:"Lo! haya ma dear nakuja."
3RD SCENE
DEM:"U ok beib,yaani toka asubuhi hujanitext."
JAMAA:"Pole nilikuwa busy sana..sina tym ya kutext ovyo ovyo."
4TH SCENE
DEM:"Nitumie credit tuchat."
JAMAA:"kwani tafadhari nipigie ni ya kazi gani,waambie tigo watakupa."
DEM:"Tobaa...po­­a tu."
5TH SCENEDEM:"Beib am going out."
JAMAA:"Najua unaenda kutafuta mwengine...nend­­a na usinipigie tena!!"

by Elvis Iravonga Man-Utd (Facebook name)

Samaki Samaki Mlimani City

Girl: Jost naomba unitoe out.
Jost: unataka nikupeleke wapi?
Girl: samaki samaki mliman city.
Hao safari mpaka mliman city,
Mhudumu: karibuni, niwahudumie nini?
Girl: niletee mihogo ya kukaanga na juisi ya kijoti.
Mhudumu: mh! Hebu ngoja kwanza nimsikilize mwenzio, wewe kaka?
Jost: mi kuna mtu namsubiri ameniambia tukutane hapa, but sio mbaya niletee Safari baridiiiiiii.

What's Your Business Sign?

(1) MARKETING

You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least >>compatible with Sales.

(2) SALES

Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

(3) TECHNOLOGY

Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

(4) ENGINEERING

One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

(5) ACCOUNTING

The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

(6) HUMAN RESOURCES

Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

(7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT

Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

(8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT

(See above - Same sign, different title)

(9) CUSTOMER SERVICE

Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions.

(10) CONSULTANT

Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

(11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER"

As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

(12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO

You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

(13) GOVERNMENT WORKER

Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job....Thus the term "GO POSTAL"

Top Ten Signs You Work In The 00'S

10.You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

9. You get all excited when it's Saturday because you can wear sweats to work.

8. You refer to the tomatoes growing in your garden as "deliverables".

7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the best restaurant in town in the same week.

5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next-door neighbors.

3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making plans for Friday night.

2. You think Einstein would have been more effective if he had put his ideas into a matrix. And the number one sign you work in the '00's:

1. You think a "half day" means leaving at 5 o'clock (even if you work at home).

6 Minutes Late

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''

''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''

George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''

What is politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

mwenyewe umesikia keshaua

Mdada mmoja mke wa mtu alikuwa akisumbuliwa sana na jamaa mmoja aliyekuwa akimtaka kila siku, hatimae akamwambia mumewe. Mume akamwambia mkewe, we kubali tuu, ila mwambie aje mlale hapa kwetu, mi ntajificha uvunguni na panga. Akisha ingia ukiona kamaliza kuvua nguo we ning'iniza mkono anza kuuchezesha, mi nikiuona ntatoka uvunguni na kumfunza adabu.

Mdada akafuata masharti ya mumewe na hatimae wakaingia chumbani na yule bwana , mumewe akiwa tayari na panga uvunguni mwa kitanda. Jamaa alipovua shati, mke alishangaa kuona ana makovu makubwa kifuani na mgongoni;

MKE: Heee mbona una makovu hivyo??

JAMAA: Niwe mkweli tuu, kwako dia!! mie nina tatizo sana la kupenda wake za watu, waume wengi wamekuwa wakipanga kunifumania, nilishafumaniwa mara kumi na tisa, na wote walionifumania niliwaua. Ila jaribio la mwisho nilidakwa na mapolisi nikatumikia kifungo cha miaka 27 jela, Lakini ninavyopenda wake za watu sitaacha kuua. Hivi sina muda tangu nitoke huko jela hivyo nina ukame wa punda na nilipokuona moyo wangu ukakudondokea. Na nitatulia na wewe.

MKE: Heee! Haiwezekani jamani!!….jamaa akaendelea kuvua nguo alipomaliza mdada akaanza kujitahidi kuning'iniza mkono ili mumewe atoke uvunguni aje kumuokoa, mume akabana kimya, kila mdada akijitihadi kupunga mkono hakupata jibu, mdada akalalamika mpaka jamaa akamaliza shughuli zake akatokomea.

MKE: Huku akilia, ndio nini umenifanyia? Mbona hukutoka??

MUME: We we we, Weeeee mama naniii!!.. mwenyewe umesikia keshaua 19 ulitaka niwe wa ishirini?

house girl

Mwajuma ambaye ni house girl aliomba aongezwe mshahara.

mama mwenye nyumba akamuuliza amuongezee mshahara kwa lipi analofanya? mazungumzo yakawa hivi.

Mama: sasa  Mwajuma , ni kwanini unasema hivyo wataka uongezewe mshahara, kwa sababu zipi za msingi??

Mwajuma : mama, kwa kweli nina sababu tatu 3 za msingi kwanini

ninahitaji uniongeze mshahara.

"kwanza, mimi naweza kunyoosha nguo zaidi yako?"

Madam: "eeeh! na ni nani kakwambia hivo??"

Mwajuma : Baba kasema hivyo

apo mama akawa mdogo akaitikia tu

Mwajuma : "Pili, naweza kupiga zaidi yako"

Mama: "sasa Kiboga naona unaleta upuuzi, nani kakudanganya unaweza kupika zaidi yangu nami ndio nimekufundisha??"

Mwajuma : "baba huyo kasema"

dah apo mama akazidi kuwa mdogo, akauliza

"ya tatu je?"

Mwajuma : " mi ni zaidi yako kwenye mapenzi pia"

apo mama akili ikamruka uwiiiii...kwa unyoonge kabisa..!!

Mama: "na hiyo ni baba amesema??"

Mwajuma : "hapana mama sio baba, dereva wa baba ndio kaniambia hivyo"

mama: nitakuongeza mshahara mwanangu, hata usiwe na hofu.