Catholic Priest

A Catholic Priest was dying in a hospital and asked the doctor to call a Police Officer & a politician .
Within minutes, the two appeared. He asked them to sit on either side of the bed.
The priest held their hands and kept quiet.
The guys were so touched and at the same time felt very important for being summoned by a priest in his dying moment. Out of anxiety, the politician ask, 'But why did you call us? ' The Priest gathered all his strength and said, 'Jesus died between two thieves.....I want to go the same way!!!

najitekenya

Nimekaa na mshikaji siti moja kwenye daladala, mshikaji bonge ya baunsa alafu anamokovu kama gogo la kukatia nyama buchani. amevaa heard phone masikioni naona anatikisa kichwa tu, ghafla kwa sauti kubwa nasikia anaimba "alinifunza mama niwaogope sana wanaume...." Nimeshindwa kuvumilia nimeweka mikono yangu yote kwapani nikaanza kucheka kwa nguvu kanijeukia kwa hasira akaniuliza "we dogo unacheka nini?" Nikamjibu kinyonge "najitekenya."

Whatsapp

Kule whatsapp kuna vituko watu na status zao;.
1. Mtu ameandika "Sleeping" , sasa leo siku
ya tano, si kishakufa huyu?
2. Mwingine kaandika "Driving" toka mwaka
jana Agosti, naona atakuwa anakaribia
Afghanistan saa hizi
3. Haya jamaa najua kalazwa anaumwa
lakini kaandika "Happy" we vipi ndugu
yangu?
4. Huyu mdada kaandika "Available". Sijui
anajua maana yake?
5. Mbosi huyu hajabadilisha status mwaka
wa pili sasa, "Hey there! I'm using
WhatsApp" sasa unadhani sijui?
Tungekutanaje kama hutumii Whatsapp?
6. Superstar wetu mmoja kaandika "Urgent
calls only". We vipi? Kwani we faya, au
ambulens au polisi?
7. Haka kabishoo kameandika "Can't talk,
WhatsApp only". Sasa una simu ya nini?
Si uitupe uwe unashinda Facebook? Simu
kazi yake ya kwanza kuongea sio
Whatsapp, pambafu we.
8. Huyu mshamba kaandika "At the movies"
wiki ya saba sasa, sinema gani ndefu
hivyo wewe? Au unafanya kazi ya kuuza
tiketi hapo sinema?
9. Dogo kaandika "At school" sasa
Whatsapp ya nini? Utapata Div O wewe
10. Mwezi wa pili sasa mchepuko umeandika
"Busy" hivi busy unafanya nini? Nikiacha
kukutumia credit utaanza kelele
11. Hahahahahaha eti "Battery about to die"
miezi sita mfululizo, badilisha hiyo betri?
Au mtaa wenu hakuna umeme miezi sita
hujachaji simu? Si kalalamikeni
TANESCO? Au nikununulie jenereta?
Unaudhi
12. Hivi najiuliza we mdada huu mwezi wa
nne sasa eti "At the gym" unajitayarisha
kwa Olympic
13. Bosi status yako ya "In a meeting"
mwezi mzima inachekesha, maliza huo
mkutano rudi kwenu.

Nitumie pesa

Girl : Baby nitumie pesa
Boy : Ndioooo tumia zote

japanese couple

A japanese couple argued heavily in public.
Husband: takamushi jiku.
Wife: hashi jiku mishihe.
Husband: inamoto kushini hatapi.
Wife: jejeta takuna mota shinita.
Husband: kituya sitina kutara.
Wife:saka weretuna joku.
Husband: ji taka mushi.
Wife: totori yatika muniya.
You are still reading as if you understand Japanese, be serious!!

Kilaza

Kuna kijana mmoja alikua anaitwa said kijana huyo shulen kwao wanafunzi wenzake hata mwalimu wake hakuna aliekua anampenda coz alikua kilaza sana...siku moja mama yake alikwenda shulen kwao kufuatilia maendeleo yake mwalimu wake hakumficha akamwambia ukweli kuwa tangu aanze kufundisha hajawah kufundisha mtoto kilaza kama huyo...mama yake akamuhamisha shule na kumuamisha mji kabisa.....miaka 25 baadae yule mwalimu alikua anaumwa na madaktar walimshaur kuwa njia pekee ya yeye kupona ni kufanyiwa operation ya moyo na dr pekee ni mmoja anaeweza fanya hio....mwalimu akafanyiwa operation vizur na alipozinduka alimuona daktar akitabasam mbele yake ghafla daktar alianza kushangaa mwalimu akinza kubadilika ghafla akakata roho yule dkt alipoangalia kujua nin tatizo akamuona said aliekua mfagiaji pale akichomoa waya wa oxygen na kuchomeka simu yake chaji
.....
Kama ulifikir doctor alikua said nawe ni kilaza

Kibuyu

Nilipokuwa shule ya msingi, kuanzia darasa la 4
hadi la 7 maksi zangu za hesabu kwenye mitihani
zilikuwa zinacheza kwenye 03%-
08%. Matokeo yalikuwa yanatangazwa mbele ya
darasa!
Yanapotangazwa mwalimu anaanza kuwaita
wanafunzi kwa kuanzia
maksi za chini kwenda juu (0-100),
kwahiyo darasa lote linajua makaratasi yakiletwa
lazima niitwe
kama si wa kwanza basi wa pili toka chini.
Siku moja mwalimu akaanza kuita majina, mpaka
akafikia kwenye maksi 30%,40%,50%,60%,70%
bado tu mi hajaniita.
Watu wakaanza kuniangalia waliokuwa karibu
wakaanza
kuniuliza..."" Eeeh umepasua hujaitwa,
ilikuwaje??
Nlianza kuvimba kichwa, huku mwalimu
anaendelea kugawa tu makaratasi.
Yakabaki makaratasi ya watu wawili tu waliopata
80%-90% bado mi sijaitwa ...
Mara akabaki na karatasi moja mkononi...!!!!
Darasa lote macho kwangu hawaamini
kinachotokea maana bado
sijapata karatasi..
Mwishoni mwalimu akaangalia juu akashusha
pumzi, kisha
akasema... "KUNA LIKIBUYU" halijaandika jina
Limepata 0% aje kuchukua karatasi lake!!.

Wanafunzi wanafanya nini wanaporudi nyumbani.

Mwalimu anawauliza wanafunzi wake huwa wanafanya nini wanaporudi kutoka shule!?

Wa Kwanza; "Mm huwa nakwenda kwa Paul Hermany kununua bangi!

Wa Pili; "Mm huwa nakwenda kwa Paul Herman kununua madawa ya kulevya!

Wa tatu; "Mm huwa nakwenda kwa Paul Herman kununua Gongo!

Wa nne; "Mm huwa nakwenda kwa Paul Herman kununua mirungi!

Wa tano; "Mm huwa nakaa tu nyumbani najisomea vitabu huku nafanya biashara ndogo ndogo za kunipatia hela ya matumizi.

Mwl; "Hongera sana kijana, una akili sana wewe! Unaitwa nani!?

Kijana akajibu; "Naitwa Paul Herman