Samaki Samaki Mlimani City

Girl: Jost naomba unitoe out.
Jost: unataka nikupeleke wapi?
Girl: samaki samaki mliman city.
Hao safari mpaka mliman city,
Mhudumu: karibuni, niwahudumie nini?
Girl: niletee mihogo ya kukaanga na juisi ya kijoti.
Mhudumu: mh! Hebu ngoja kwanza nimsikilize mwenzio, wewe kaka?
Jost: mi kuna mtu namsubiri ameniambia tukutane hapa, but sio mbaya niletee Safari baridiiiiiii.

What's Your Business Sign?

(1) MARKETING

You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least >>compatible with Sales.

(2) SALES

Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

(3) TECHNOLOGY

Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

(4) ENGINEERING

One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

(5) ACCOUNTING

The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

(6) HUMAN RESOURCES

Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

(7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT

Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

(8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT

(See above - Same sign, different title)

(9) CUSTOMER SERVICE

Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions.

(10) CONSULTANT

Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

(11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER"

As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

(12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO

You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

(13) GOVERNMENT WORKER

Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job....Thus the term "GO POSTAL"

Top Ten Signs You Work In The 00'S

10.You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

9. You get all excited when it's Saturday because you can wear sweats to work.

8. You refer to the tomatoes growing in your garden as "deliverables".

7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the best restaurant in town in the same week.

5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next-door neighbors.

3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making plans for Friday night.

2. You think Einstein would have been more effective if he had put his ideas into a matrix. And the number one sign you work in the '00's:

1. You think a "half day" means leaving at 5 o'clock (even if you work at home).

6 Minutes Late

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''

''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''

George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''

What is politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

mwenyewe umesikia keshaua

Mdada mmoja mke wa mtu alikuwa akisumbuliwa sana na jamaa mmoja aliyekuwa akimtaka kila siku, hatimae akamwambia mumewe. Mume akamwambia mkewe, we kubali tuu, ila mwambie aje mlale hapa kwetu, mi ntajificha uvunguni na panga. Akisha ingia ukiona kamaliza kuvua nguo we ning'iniza mkono anza kuuchezesha, mi nikiuona ntatoka uvunguni na kumfunza adabu.

Mdada akafuata masharti ya mumewe na hatimae wakaingia chumbani na yule bwana , mumewe akiwa tayari na panga uvunguni mwa kitanda. Jamaa alipovua shati, mke alishangaa kuona ana makovu makubwa kifuani na mgongoni;

MKE: Heee mbona una makovu hivyo??

JAMAA: Niwe mkweli tuu, kwako dia!! mie nina tatizo sana la kupenda wake za watu, waume wengi wamekuwa wakipanga kunifumania, nilishafumaniwa mara kumi na tisa, na wote walionifumania niliwaua. Ila jaribio la mwisho nilidakwa na mapolisi nikatumikia kifungo cha miaka 27 jela, Lakini ninavyopenda wake za watu sitaacha kuua. Hivi sina muda tangu nitoke huko jela hivyo nina ukame wa punda na nilipokuona moyo wangu ukakudondokea. Na nitatulia na wewe.

MKE: Heee! Haiwezekani jamani!!….jamaa akaendelea kuvua nguo alipomaliza mdada akaanza kujitahidi kuning'iniza mkono ili mumewe atoke uvunguni aje kumuokoa, mume akabana kimya, kila mdada akijitihadi kupunga mkono hakupata jibu, mdada akalalamika mpaka jamaa akamaliza shughuli zake akatokomea.

MKE: Huku akilia, ndio nini umenifanyia? Mbona hukutoka??

MUME: We we we, Weeeee mama naniii!!.. mwenyewe umesikia keshaua 19 ulitaka niwe wa ishirini?

house girl

Mwajuma ambaye ni house girl aliomba aongezwe mshahara.

mama mwenye nyumba akamuuliza amuongezee mshahara kwa lipi analofanya? mazungumzo yakawa hivi.

Mama: sasa  Mwajuma , ni kwanini unasema hivyo wataka uongezewe mshahara, kwa sababu zipi za msingi??

Mwajuma : mama, kwa kweli nina sababu tatu 3 za msingi kwanini

ninahitaji uniongeze mshahara.

"kwanza, mimi naweza kunyoosha nguo zaidi yako?"

Madam: "eeeh! na ni nani kakwambia hivo??"

Mwajuma : Baba kasema hivyo

apo mama akawa mdogo akaitikia tu

Mwajuma : "Pili, naweza kupiga zaidi yako"

Mama: "sasa Kiboga naona unaleta upuuzi, nani kakudanganya unaweza kupika zaidi yangu nami ndio nimekufundisha??"

Mwajuma : "baba huyo kasema"

dah apo mama akazidi kuwa mdogo, akauliza

"ya tatu je?"

Mwajuma : " mi ni zaidi yako kwenye mapenzi pia"

apo mama akili ikamruka uwiiiii...kwa unyoonge kabisa..!!

Mama: "na hiyo ni baba amesema??"

Mwajuma : "hapana mama sio baba, dereva wa baba ndio kaniambia hivyo"

mama: nitakuongeza mshahara mwanangu, hata usiwe na hofu.

He isn't your Father

Son : Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl.

Father : That's great son. Who is she?

Son : It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter.

Father : Ohhh I wish u hadn't said that. I have to tell u something son,

but u must promise not to tell ur mother.

Sandra is actually ur sister.

The boy is naturally bummed out;

but a couple of months later :

Son : Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!

Father : That's great son. Who is she?

Son : It's Angela, the other neighbour's daughter.

Father : Ohhhh I wish u hadn't said that.

Angela is also ur sister.

This went on couple of times nd son was so mad,

he went straight to his mother crying.

Son : Mum I am so mad at dad!

I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!

The mother hugs him affectionately and says :

My love, u can date whoever u want.

He isn't your Father

 

Madereva wa Maboss

Kulikuwa na maboss marafiki sana, siku moja wakiwa wametoka kila mmoja akawaanasema dereva wake ni mjinga na haya ni mazungumzo yao.

Boss 1: aisee nakuambia sijawahi ona dereva mjinga kama huyu niliyenaye!

Boss 2: aaaaah we waongea nini……….huwezi amini huyo dereva niliyenaye yaani hamnazo kabisa.

Wakaendelea kubishana kila mmoja akisema dereva wake ni mjinga zaidi ndipo ikabidi wathibitishe kwa kila mmoja kuonyesha ujinga wa dereva wake.

Boss 1 akamuita dereva wake.

Boss 1: eeeeh chukua hii elfu 20 nenda kaninunulie FLAT TV inch 50 dukani!

Dereva: sawa boss, vp niilete huku au nipeleke nyumbani?

Boss 1: ukiweza kununua ilete hapa.

Dereva akaondoka, boss 1 akasema: waona alivo mjinga yaani hata hajui kua kwa shilingi elfu 20 huwezi kupata FLAT TV INCH 50.

Wakacheka, Boss 2 akasema sasa ngoja umuone dereva wangu alivyo mjinga.

Boss 2: hebu nenda nyumbani kaniangalie kama nipo!

Dereva: sawa bosi

Dereva akaondoka, Boss 2: waona alivyo mjinga, mimi nipo hapa alafu ataenda nyumbani kuniangalia kama nipo

Wakacheka na kusema kweli huyu mjinga.

Upande wa pili wale madereva wakakutana na kuanza kuongea.

Dereva 1: huwezi amini sijawahi fanya kazi na Boss mjinga kama huyu.

Dereva 2: bora wewe mi wangu ni punguani kabisa hata sijui kapata wapi ubosi.

Dereva 1: sasa sikia kaniita sahivi ananiambia niende nikamnunulie FLAT TV inch 50, wakati anajua fika kabisa kua leo ni jumapili na jioni hii hakuna duka lililowazi kama sio ujinga ni nini??

Wakacheka!
Dereva 2: hahaha aisee ila hata hivyo hafikii kwa upunguani wa bosi wangu, eti kaniita pale ananiambia niende nyumbani kwake nikamuangalie kama yupo, ilhali anasimu pale angeweza tu kupiga kwa mkewe nyumbani amuulize kama yupo au lah na sio kunisumbua mimi mpaka niende kwake naharibu mafuta tu...!! 

Mvuta bangi mmoja

Mvuta bangi mmoja alikwenda kijiweni akiwa uchi. 

Akawauliza masela

"suti yangu imenipendeza eeh? "

Wakamjibu 

"ndiyo, ila tai umeivaa chini sana!" 

MTU mmoja alifariki na kwenda jehanamu.

MTU mmoja alifariki na kwenda jehanamu. Kufika huko akakuta kuna jehanamu tofauti tofauti kwa kila nchi. Akaamua kuzunguka zunguka ili aweze kuipata jehanamu yenye maumivu kidogo zaidi.

Akaiendea jehanamu ya Ujerumani. Akamwuliza mtu aliyemkuta mlangoni. "Wanakufanyaje ukiingia humu?"

Akajibiwa. "Kwanza wanakuweka kwenye kiti cha umeme kwa saa moja, kisha wanakulaza kwenye kitanda cha mizumari k

wa saa moja nyingine. Kisha anakuja shetani wa Kijerumani anakucharaza bakora kutwa nzima."

Mtu huyo hakuipenda kabisa jehanamu hiyo. Akaamua kujaribu jehanamu za Marekani, Uingereza, Urusi na nyinginezo nyingi. Lakini akagundua kuwa zote zina adhabu sawa tu na jehanamu ya Ujerumani.

Kisha akaifikia jehanamu ya Tanzania. Akastaajabu kuona kuna foleni ndefu kweli ya watu wakisubiri kuingia humo. Kwa mshangao usiosemekana akauliza, "Jamani kwani humu wanawafanyaje?"

Akajibiwa, "Kwanza wanakuweka kwenye kiti cha umeme kwa saa moja, kisha wanakulaza kwenye kitanda cha mizumari kwa saa moja nyingine. Kisha anakuja shetani wa Kitanzania anakucharaza bakora kutwa nzima."

Akazidi kustaajabu. Akauliza, "Lakini mbona kinachofanyika humu ni sawa kabisa na kinachofanyika kwenye jehanamu zingine, sasa kwa nini hapa kuna foleni kubwa sana watu wote wanakimbilia huku?"

Jamaa mmoja akamshika mkono. Akamvutia pembeni. Akamnong'oneza, "Watu wanakimbilia huku kwa kuwa jehanamu ya Tanzania haina umeme wa uhakika, unakatika katika kila dakika kwa hiyo kiti cha umeme hakifanyi kazi. Halafu pia misumari ilishalipiwa lakini wala haijaletwa na mzabuni kwa hiyo kitanda cha humu ni raha tu kukilalia. Na jambo jingine ni kuwa shetani wa Kitanzania alipokuwa duniani alikuwa mtumishi wa umma. Kwa hiyo ameshazowea kufika ofisini na kusaini kitabu cha mahudhurio na kisha kuondoka zake kwenda kufanya shughuli zake binafsi."

‎2030,IBADA MAKANISAN ZITAKUWA IVI

PASTOR:"Bwana asifiweeee!"

WAUMINI:"Ameeeen."

PASTOR:"Haya,tafadhalini sasa toeni;iPad,tablet na simu zenu,ingieni google msearch Yohana 3:16 msome.
Pia washeni bluetooth zenu ili muweze kupokea mahubiri.
Kwa wanaotumia Facebook,Twitter,BBM na Whatsapp mnaweza kuendelea kupokea mahubiri kupitia accounts zangu.Msiwe na wasi mnaweza kutumia Wi-Fi ya kanisa kwa uhuru........Halleluuuuuuyah!"

WAUMINI:"Ameeeeni."

PASTOR:"Wapendwa sasa ni wakati wa kutoa sadaka,kama hukubeba cash unaweza tumia Credit card,pia hapo nje karibu na choo kuna ATM machine ya KCB,Equity, NMB,CRDB,CBA,na Baclays unaweza enda kuwithdraw pap! Uje mtolee mungu......Pia unaweza kutoa sadaka kupitia Mpesa na Airtel Money kwa namba unazoziona kwa screen.

WAKATI WA MATANGAZO.
PASTOR:"Matangazo ni kama yafuatavyo:-

*Wiki hii jumatano saa kumi tutakuwa na ushirika{fellowship} katika group yetu ya facebook...tafadhali msikose kulogin huo wakati.

*Siku ya Alhamisi kutakuwa na mafundisho ya bibilia moja kwa moja kupitia Skype.

*Kama una tatizo unahitaji maombi tafadhani andika kwenye wall yangu ya fb...ama ni poke nitakukumbuka kwenye maombi.

*Kwa mahubiri na mafundisho zaidi nifollow katika twitter.