unanionaje?

kulikuwa na wanandoa ambao ndio kwanza walikuwa wametoka kufunga ndoa karibuni. Siku moja mume alipotoka katika shughuli zake, mkewe akamwambia kuwa bomba la maji bafuni linavuna, mume akamjibu, mimi ni fundi bomba?
Siku nyingine mkewe akamwambia jamaa kuwa gari lake haliwaki hivyo akamtengenezee, jamaa kama kawaida yake na majibu yake, kwani mimi fundi magari?
Baada ya siku kadhaa kupita, mkewe kama kawaida akaleta shida nyingine kuwa paa linavuja. Kama kawaida akamjibu, unanionaje nimekaa kama fundi nyumba?
Siku iliyofuata alipotoka kazini alikuta kila kitu kimetengwenezwa na kuuliza kulikoni? Mkewe akajibu; nilipata mtu wa kunisaidia. Jamaa akajibu sawa nadaiwa shilingi ngapi? Mke akajibu. Hudaiwi hata shilingi kwa sababu alisema nimtengene keki au nifanye nae mapenzi kama malipo. Jamaa kwa wasiwasi akauliza. Umemtengenezea kekli ya aina gani? Mke akajibu, unanionaje, nimekaa kama mpika keki?

ulevi ni noma.

mlevi alikuwa anahojiwa na police kwa kosa la kugonga na kuuwa watu nane.
Police: ilikuwaje ukagonga?
Mlevi: gari ilipata pacha tairi zote za mbele na gari ilikuwa kwenye mwendo mkali likanishinda na mbele yangu kulikuwa na kundi la watu kumi na upande mwingine wa barabara kulikuwa na mtu mmoja.
Police: kwanini ulifuata hilo kundi la watu badala ya kumfuata huyo mmoja?
Mlevi: nilimfuata huyo mmoja tatizo na yeye akakimbilia kwenye lile kundi la watu.

nani muongo?

wanandoa walikuwa wanaishi nyumba moja kwa muda mrefu, siku moja mke hakurudi nyumbani hadi asubuhi aliporudi. Mumewe alipomuuliza akajibu alilala kwa rafiki yake. Mumewe akawapigia simu marafiki zake kumi, wote wakajibu hakulala kwao.
Baada ya miezi michache mume nae akarudi asubuhi, mkewe nae alipo muuliza akajibu alilala kwa rafiki yake. Mkewe akaamua kuwapigia marafiki zake kumi, nane wakajibu alilala kwao wakati wawili wakasema amelala kwao na mpaka sasa bado yupo kwao.

young woman went

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

You're not eating properly

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

results of the examination

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10..." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"10...9...8...7..."

bad news and some very bad news

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

second opinion

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

This is her husband

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Doctor, doctor

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"

wedding night

After the wedding night

A young man from Canada just married a beautiful girl. The day after the wedding night, friends of the groom meet him in the street and ask:

"So how did the wedding night go ?"

Oh no my friends, I wont tell you anything, it's really too intimate, "replied the young guy

"Dont be a pussy, tell us more!"

Well maybe you will not believe me, but she was mad at me! And excited with this. Quite simply, if I wanted, I could have screwed her !

married men

Why singles men are thin ? and why married men are fat? Just because the single, when he goes back home, he opens the fridge, he says "yuck !", and he goes directly to bed. While the married man, when he returns home, he looks in the bed, he says "yuck !", and he goes to the fridge.

tell me about marriage

Two girls are talking :

- I finally managed to get my boyfriend whom I've been dating for six years, to tell me about marriage.

- Really? And what did he say?

- Her name is Rose and they have three children.

Good idea!

A husband and wife are shopping together on a Saturday afternoon:

- Honey, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow: shall we offer her an electric appliance?

- Good idea! What do you think of an electric chair?

we wonder why

When a groom looks happy we know why. When a man married for 10 years looks happy, we wonder why.