Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.
A successful woman is one who can find that a man.

Future

A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.

Cats

Women love cats.
Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.

Arguments

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.
A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women

1. Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.  
2. That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.  
3. Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).
4. Five Minutes - If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.)
5. Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.  
6. Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)  
7. Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)  
8. Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)

sahani zinamzuia asionekane

jamaa ni mfupi mpaka ameamuwa kwenda kuwashukuru watu walio gundua kutunza kumbukumbu, alivyo mfupi kwao wangesha msahau maana hata akipanda juu ya meza wakati wanakula sahani zinamzuia asionekane.

aliona matiti ya mama yake

mtoto wa miaka minne
aliona matiti ya mama
yake, akamuuliza mama hayo ni nini?
mama akamjibu ni maputo
mwanangu, mtoto akasema jana
nilimuona baba akiyapuliza ya
house girl wetu kule jikoni.

OHHHHHH MY GOD! ARE YOU CRAZY?

Kampuni moja kapla ya kuajiri wafayakazi wapya ilimamua kuwauliza maswali ya ufahamu,marafiki wawili ambao walikuwa wakisaidiana walikubaliana aingie mmoja ambaye yuko vizuri kichwani ili akitoka ammezeshe mwenzie majibu ya maswali atakayo ulizwa.
Kwakuwa muda ulikuwa mdogo sana na wanafunzi walishagundua kuwa maswali yalikuwa yakijirudia basi yule jamaa aliyeingia wa kwanza alipotoka akaamua kummezesha mwenzie majibu tu.
SWALI LA 1 BY PROF: WHEN WAS TANZANIA INDEPENDENCE?
JIBU LA BRIGHT STUDENT: IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE 1960 BUT IT POSTPONED TO 1961 DUE TO MANY REASONS.
SWALI LA 2 BY PROF: WHO BROUGHT INDEPENDENCE?
JIBU LA BRIGHT STUDENT: SO MANY PERTICIPATED BUT IT WAS MWALIMU NYERERE AND KAWAWA WHO FINALISED IT.
SWALI LA 3 BY PROF: IT BELIEVES THAT IN MARS THERE ARE LIVING THINGS,DO YOU BELIEVE?
JIBU LA BRIGHT STUDENT: SOME SAY YES, SOME SAY NO BUT SCIENTISTS ARE STILL INVESTIGETING.

Sasa alipoingia yule kijana ambaye uwezo wake darasani haukuwa mzuri na kwakuwa alikuwa amekariri majibu tu ilikuwa ni patashika humo ndani ya chumba cha mtihani.
SWALI LA 1 BY PROF: WHEN WERE YOU BORN?
JIBU LA STUDENT MJINGA: IT WAS SUPPOSE TO BE 1960 BUT POSTPONED TO 1961.
SWALI LA RPOF: WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!! WHO IS YOUR FATHER BY THE WAY.
JIBU LA STUDENT MJINGA: SO MANY PERTICIPATED BUT IT WAS MWALIMU NYERERE AND KAWAWA WHO FINALISED IT.
SWALI LA 3 BY PROF: OHHHHHH MY GOD! ARE YOU CRAZY?
JIBU LA STUDENT MJINGA: SOME SAY YES,SOME SAY NO BUT SCIENTISTS ARE STILL INVESTIGETING.

DEFINITIONS OF A BACHELOR

One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.

One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.

One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.

One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.

One who can forget his mistakes.

One who can get into bed from either side.

One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.

One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.

One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.

One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt.

One who can't be Spouse-Broken.

One who can't stand the strain of a wife.

One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.

One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time.

One who failed to embrace his opportunities

One who is a free male.

One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.

One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.

One who is known as a Dame Dropper.

One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.

One who knows all the ankles.

One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.

One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash.

One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a Bachelor.

One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.

One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!!

One who looks, but does not leap.

One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.

One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.

One who never makes the same mistake once.

One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.

One who never Mrs. Anything.

One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"

One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding.

One who prefers ripe tomatoes with little dressing.

One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.

One who travels fastest in a parked car.

One who tries to avoid the issue.

One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip.

One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.

One who washes only one set of dishes.

One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.

One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.

One who won't take `Yes' for an answer.

One who would rather change girls than change their names.

One who would rather cook his own goose.

One who would rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck.

One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.

IDENTICAL TWINS

Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less then a year later he was in court filing for a divorce.

"Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said.

"Well, Your Honor," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.

"Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce!"

MEN ARE LIKE AUTOMOBILES

Man is like an automobile.

As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low.

The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top.

The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose.

The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant recharging.

But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.

Gentlemen... start your engines!!

HOW TO ASK A MAN TO DO SOMETHING

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".

Binti wa Kinyakyusa

Binti wa kinyakyusa hata kabla hujaanza kutia neno, ile unamsalimia: dada vipi? Huku umekaziwa jicho la taharuki Utasikia, 'fipi kifipi, we!'