Maisha ni kitu cha kustajabisha sana

Maisha ni kitu cha kustajabisha sana, wale unaowadhania kuwa wema ndo hatari ona kama hawa;

Daktari: anakuombea uumwe.

Wakili: anakuombea upate kesi

Mtengeneza majeneza: anakuombea ufe

Police: anakuombea uwe mhalifu au ufanye kosa

Mwizi: ndio pekee anaekuombea ufanikiwe ili akuibie. Na wewe muombee anaekuombea mema ili nay eye azidi kufanikiwa.

I think this man is crazy!

Mtalii na mtafsiri wake Mtalii: Do you have vegetables here. Mtafsiri: Mnavyo vijimeza hapa. Waiter: Vijimeza vidogo hatuna. Mtafsiri: No sir, they don't have. Mtalii: OK, fine, do you have hot dogs. Mtafsiri: Sawa, je mnao mbwa wa moto. Waiter: Loh! Bwana we, hatupiki mbwa hapa. Mtafsiri: They don't cook here Mtalii: What type of snacks do you have here. Mtafsiri: Aina ngapi ya nyoka mnao hapa, Waiter: We bwana we hapa hatupiki aina yeyote ya nyoka, mwache akale nyumbani kwao. Mtafsiri: They don't cook any type of snacks here, maybe you can go back and eat at home. Mtalii: OK, at least give us a cocktail juice. Mtafsiri: OK, tupatie hata juisi ya mkia wa jogoo. Waiter: Hebu tokeni na bangi zenu hapa, tena sasa hivi kabla sijakasirika. Mtafsiri: Lets get out of here, I think this man is crazy!
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I am the husband

Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night
and suddenly shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is back!"

Man gets up, jumps out of the window,
hurts himself, and then realizes: "Damn, I am the husband!"
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get a sperm count

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
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mbona leo unaninyanyua

Jost alitoka kanisani alivofika nyumbani akaanza kumkumbatia mke wake na kumnyanyua juu, mke wake akauliza vipi honey mbona leo unaninyanyua na si kawaida yako? Jost akajibu..leo mchungaji amesema tuyanyanyue matatzo yetu juu kwa bwana.
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your wife is controlling you

A pastor announced, "If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left".
All the men in the church moved to left except Jost.
The pastor was amused and asked, "How come your wife can't control you ?"
Jost quietly replied,"Pastor, it's my wife who told me not to move"..
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Kuruka GETI

John ni chizi katika hospital ya mirembe kwa muda wa miaka 7, alipoamua kutoroka alifanya mazoezi ya kuruka ukuta kwa geti kwa miezi mitano, siku ya kutotora aliwaaga marafiki zake, baada ya muda akarudi wakamuuliza vipi? akajibu nimekuta geti lipo wazi nimeshindwa kuruka, wenzie wakamuambia sasa si ungelifunga ili uruke? akawajibu, nilitaka kulifunga lakini sikuona funguo, nimejaribu kumtafuta mlinzi mpaka kule nje vichakani lakini sijamuona.