Mom is a good cook

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

I wanna watch

My Lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my Birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch.''

before I was born

Mother : Why aren't you doing very well in History?
Son: Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born.

Take an umbrella and go

Angelina: Go and water the plants.

Daniel: it's already raining.

Angelina: So what? Take an umbrella and go!!

my computer

Help-desk guy speaking to a lady user …

Help-desk: double click on “My Computer”.

Lady: I can’t see your computer...

Help-desk: No... Click on “My Computer” on your computer.

Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer??? !!

Help-desk: There is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer... double click on it.

Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?

your wife doesn't use

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was upset to say the least. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me? A faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Fine..., go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” The husband began “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the Mautumbo I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you were afraid you’d put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but never wore because you say they were too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you didn't wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you refused to wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and wouldn't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

“Please… do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?”

ULEVI NI NOMA

Mlevi mmoja aliingia kwenye daladala na kukaa siti ya mbele, akaweka begi lake kwenye siti kulia kwake kisha akalala. Baada ya muda akaingia mlevi mwingine akatoa lile begi, akaketi yeye...naye akalala. Mlevi wa kwanza alipoamka bila kuangalia akafungua zipu ya mlevi mwenzake akijua anafungua begi lake...Akaanza kupapasa ndani, kwa hasira akauliza, 
"NANI KAWEKA NDIZI MOJA, NYANYA MBILI NA STEELWIRE KWENYE BEGI LANGU!!"