The Coin Toss

By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started. "Why are you so late?" asked his friend.
"I couldn't decide between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin," said Bobby.
"But that shouldn't have taken too long." said the friend.
"Well, I had to toss it 35 times."

Some Really Smart Students

Teacher:  Name two states in the United States.
Mary:  Pick me! Pick me!
Teacher:  Mary?
Mary:  I'll name one Taylor and the other one Charley!
Teacher:  Joe, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
Joe:  Because you told me to do it without using tables.
Teacher:  Suzi, go to the map and find North America.
Suzi:  Here it is.
Teacher:  That's correct. Now, Bobby, who discovered North America?
Bobby:  Suzi
Teacher:  Jesse, why do you always get so dirty.
Jesse:  Well, you see, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
Teacher:  Glen, what is the chemical formula for water?
Glen:  H I J K L M N O
Teacher:  Where did you get that?
Glen:  Yesterday you told us it was H to O.
Teacher:  Barry, your essay about your dog is exactly the same as your brothers. Did you copy his?
Barry:  Ma'am. It's the same dog.
Teacher:  Donald, how do you spell crocodile?
Donald:  K R O K O D I A L
Teacher:  No, that's wrong.
Donald:  Maybe it is, but you asked me how I spell it.
Teacher:  Name one important thing that we have today which we didn't have ten years ago.
Wendy:  Me!
Teacher:  George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, but then admitted it. Does anyone know why his father didn't punish him?
Brian:  Because he still had the axe in his hand.
Teacher:  Danny, do you say a prayer before eating?
Danny:  No, ma'am. I don't have to. My mother is a good cook.
Teacher:  Jake, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Jake:  A teacher.

Child Psychology

A new teacher thought she would use what she learned in her psychology courses. She said to her class, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up."
After a few seconds, one boy stood. "Do you think you're stupid?" she asked.
"No, ma'am, but I just didn't want you to have to stand there all by yourself."

Ironing

A mother was ironing the clean laundry one day. Her son asked her, "Mother, why are you ironing those clothes?"
His mother said, "To make them nice and wrinkle free."
Her son said, "Then, why don't you iron Grandma's face?

Smart Mom

A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that.
"Why," asked the little girl.
"Because it’s dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs."
The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?"
Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy."
 The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!"
"Yup," said the mom.

The Police

A policeman was taking a vandalism report at an elementary school when he was interrupted by a six year old girl. She looked up and down at his uniform and asked, "Are you a policeman?"
"Yes, I am," he said.
"My mother told me that if I ever needed help I should ask a policeman. Is that right," the girl asked.
"Yes it is," said the policeman.
The girl extended her foot to the policeman and said, "OK, then, would you tie my shoe?"

Driving Skills

A woman in her 60s was driving with a friend. She went through a red light. The friend didn't say anything. But then she went through another one. The friend said, "Do you realize you just went through two red lights?"
"Oh," she said, "was I driving?"

Why Men Are Happier

Men can play with toys all their life.
Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.
Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.
Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.
Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.
Men's bellies usually hide their large hips.
Chocolate is just another snack.
The whole garage belongs to them.
Weddings take care of themselves.
Men's last name never changes.
Everything on a man's face stays its original color.
Men only have to shave their faces and necks.
Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.
Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.
For men, wrinkles add character.
Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase.
Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.
Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.
Men have one mood all the time.
A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental - 100 bucks
Men can open all their own jars.

Children

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Natural

Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.
Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.
A successful woman is one who can find that a man.

Future

A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.

Cats

Women love cats.
Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.

Arguments

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.
A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women

1. Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.  
2. That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.  
3. Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).
4. Five Minutes - If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.)
5. Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.  
6. Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)  
7. Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)  
8. Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)

sahani zinamzuia asionekane

jamaa ni mfupi mpaka ameamuwa kwenda kuwashukuru watu walio gundua kutunza kumbukumbu, alivyo mfupi kwao wangesha msahau maana hata akipanda juu ya meza wakati wanakula sahani zinamzuia asionekane.

aliona matiti ya mama yake

mtoto wa miaka minne
aliona matiti ya mama
yake, akamuuliza mama hayo ni nini?
mama akamjibu ni maputo
mwanangu, mtoto akasema jana
nilimuona baba akiyapuliza ya
house girl wetu kule jikoni.

OHHHHHH MY GOD! ARE YOU CRAZY?

Kampuni moja kapla ya kuajiri wafayakazi wapya ilimamua kuwauliza maswali ya ufahamu,marafiki wawili ambao walikuwa wakisaidiana walikubaliana aingie mmoja ambaye yuko vizuri kichwani ili akitoka ammezeshe mwenzie majibu ya maswali atakayo ulizwa.
Kwakuwa muda ulikuwa mdogo sana na wanafunzi walishagundua kuwa maswali yalikuwa yakijirudia basi yule jamaa aliyeingia wa kwanza alipotoka akaamua kummezesha mwenzie majibu tu.
SWALI LA 1 BY PROF: WHEN WAS TANZANIA INDEPENDENCE?
JIBU LA BRIGHT STUDENT: IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE 1960 BUT IT POSTPONED TO 1961 DUE TO MANY REASONS.
SWALI LA 2 BY PROF: WHO BROUGHT INDEPENDENCE?
JIBU LA BRIGHT STUDENT: SO MANY PERTICIPATED BUT IT WAS MWALIMU NYERERE AND KAWAWA WHO FINALISED IT.
SWALI LA 3 BY PROF: IT BELIEVES THAT IN MARS THERE ARE LIVING THINGS,DO YOU BELIEVE?
JIBU LA BRIGHT STUDENT: SOME SAY YES, SOME SAY NO BUT SCIENTISTS ARE STILL INVESTIGETING.

Sasa alipoingia yule kijana ambaye uwezo wake darasani haukuwa mzuri na kwakuwa alikuwa amekariri majibu tu ilikuwa ni patashika humo ndani ya chumba cha mtihani.
SWALI LA 1 BY PROF: WHEN WERE YOU BORN?
JIBU LA STUDENT MJINGA: IT WAS SUPPOSE TO BE 1960 BUT POSTPONED TO 1961.
SWALI LA RPOF: WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!! WHO IS YOUR FATHER BY THE WAY.
JIBU LA STUDENT MJINGA: SO MANY PERTICIPATED BUT IT WAS MWALIMU NYERERE AND KAWAWA WHO FINALISED IT.
SWALI LA 3 BY PROF: OHHHHHH MY GOD! ARE YOU CRAZY?
JIBU LA STUDENT MJINGA: SOME SAY YES,SOME SAY NO BUT SCIENTISTS ARE STILL INVESTIGETING.

DEFINITIONS OF A BACHELOR

One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.

One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.

One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.

One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.

One who can forget his mistakes.

One who can get into bed from either side.

One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.

One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.

One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.

One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt.

One who can't be Spouse-Broken.

One who can't stand the strain of a wife.

One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.

One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time.

One who failed to embrace his opportunities

One who is a free male.

One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.

One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.

One who is known as a Dame Dropper.

One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.

One who knows all the ankles.

One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.

One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash.

One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a Bachelor.

One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.

One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!!

One who looks, but does not leap.

One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.

One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.

One who never makes the same mistake once.

One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.

One who never Mrs. Anything.

One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"

One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding.

One who prefers ripe tomatoes with little dressing.

One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.

One who travels fastest in a parked car.

One who tries to avoid the issue.

One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip.

One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.

One who washes only one set of dishes.

One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.

One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.

One who won't take `Yes' for an answer.

One who would rather change girls than change their names.

One who would rather cook his own goose.

One who would rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck.

One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.

IDENTICAL TWINS

Dan married one of a pair of identical twins. Less then a year later he was in court filing for a divorce.

"Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said.

"Well, Your Honor," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.

"Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce!"

MEN ARE LIKE AUTOMOBILES

Man is like an automobile.

As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low.

The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top.

The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose.

The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant recharging.

But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.

Gentlemen... start your engines!!

HOW TO ASK A MAN TO DO SOMETHING

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".

Binti wa Kinyakyusa

Binti wa kinyakyusa hata kabla hujaanza kutia neno, ile unamsalimia: dada vipi? Huku umekaziwa jicho la taharuki Utasikia, 'fipi kifipi, we!'