The Coin Toss

By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started. "Why are you so late?" asked his friend.
"I couldn't decide between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin," said Bobby.
"But that shouldn't have taken too long." said the friend.
"Well, I had to toss it 35 times."

Some Really Smart Students

Teacher:  Name two states in the United States.
Mary:  Pick me! Pick me!
Teacher:  Mary?
Mary:  I'll name one Taylor and the other one Charley!
Teacher:  Joe, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
Joe:  Because you told me to do it without using tables.
Teacher:  Suzi, go to the map and find North America.
Suzi:  Here it is.
Teacher:  That's correct. Now, Bobby, who discovered North America?
Bobby:  Suzi
Teacher:  Jesse, why do you always get so dirty.
Jesse:  Well, you see, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
Teacher:  Glen, what is the chemical formula for water?
Glen:  H I J K L M N O
Teacher:  Where did you get that?
Glen:  Yesterday you told us it was H to O.
Teacher:  Barry, your essay about your dog is exactly the same as your brothers. Did you copy his?
Barry:  Ma'am. It's the same dog.
Teacher:  Donald, how do you spell crocodile?
Donald:  K R O K O D I A L
Teacher:  No, that's wrong.
Donald:  Maybe it is, but you asked me how I spell it.
Teacher:  Name one important thing that we have today which we didn't have ten years ago.
Wendy:  Me!
Teacher:  George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, but then admitted it. Does anyone know why his father didn't punish him?
Brian:  Because he still had the axe in his hand.
Teacher:  Danny, do you say a prayer before eating?
Danny:  No, ma'am. I don't have to. My mother is a good cook.
Teacher:  Jake, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Jake:  A teacher.

Child Psychology

A new teacher thought she would use what she learned in her psychology courses. She said to her class, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up."
After a few seconds, one boy stood. "Do you think you're stupid?" she asked.
"No, ma'am, but I just didn't want you to have to stand there all by yourself."

Ironing

A mother was ironing the clean laundry one day. Her son asked her, "Mother, why are you ironing those clothes?"
His mother said, "To make them nice and wrinkle free."
Her son said, "Then, why don't you iron Grandma's face?

Smart Mom

A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that.
"Why," asked the little girl.
"Because it’s dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs."
The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?"
Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy."
 The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!"
"Yup," said the mom.

The Police

A policeman was taking a vandalism report at an elementary school when he was interrupted by a six year old girl. She looked up and down at his uniform and asked, "Are you a policeman?"
"Yes, I am," he said.
"My mother told me that if I ever needed help I should ask a policeman. Is that right," the girl asked.
"Yes it is," said the policeman.
The girl extended her foot to the policeman and said, "OK, then, would you tie my shoe?"

Driving Skills

A woman in her 60s was driving with a friend. She went through a red light. The friend didn't say anything. But then she went through another one. The friend said, "Do you realize you just went through two red lights?"
"Oh," she said, "was I driving?"

Why Men Are Happier

Men can play with toys all their life.
Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.
Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.
Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.
Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.
Men's bellies usually hide their large hips.
Chocolate is just another snack.
The whole garage belongs to them.
Weddings take care of themselves.
Men's last name never changes.
Everything on a man's face stays its original color.
Men only have to shave their faces and necks.
Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.
Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.
For men, wrinkles add character.
Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase.
Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.
Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.
Men have one mood all the time.
A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental - 100 bucks
Men can open all their own jars.

Children

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Natural

Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.
Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.
A successful woman is one who can find that a man.

Future

A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.

Cats

Women love cats.
Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.

Arguments

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.