You Might Be a Schoolteacher if...

•you have no time for a life from August to June.

•you want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"

•when out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

•you refer to adults as "boys and girls."

•you encourage your spouse by telling them they are a "good helper."

•you've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.

•meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

•you believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the report card.

•you know hundred good reasons for being late.

•you don't want children of your own because there isn't a name you can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.

Questions you Hope your Pupils won't Ask you

·         Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of its bottle?

·         Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

·         Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

·         Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

·         Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

·         If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

·         If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

·         If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

·         If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

·         If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

·         If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

·         Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

·         How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

·         You know how most packages say "Open here"? What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

·         You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

·         What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?

·         When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

The ways to grade the final exams

Dept of Statistics:

All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept of Psychology:

Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept of History:

All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept of Religion:

Grade is determined by God.

Dept of Philosophy:

What is a grade?

Law School:

Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept of Logic:

If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Dept of Computer Science:

Random number generator determines grade.

Music Department:

Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

Dept of Physical Education:

Everybody gets an A.

sign down the road

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?

Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.

Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?

Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"

prove the earth is round

Teacher: Milton, how can you prove the earth is round?

Milton: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.

two rabbits

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?

Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

exactly what I said

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?"

"That's exactly what I said!"

My homework

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."

paying attention to me

Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?

Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!

go back tomorrow

What did you learn in school today?

Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!

spoiling all our fun

Mother: How was your first day at school?

Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!

someone already there

Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line?

Pupil: I tried, but there was someone already there!

get up early

Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?

Pupil: I get up early!

lowest mark I could give you

Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!

Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!

so great about that

Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine.

So what's so great about that?

It's snowing outside!

you bring it back

What would happen if you took the school bus home?

The police would make you bring it back!

In school

Son: I can't go to school today.

Father: Why not?

Son: I don't feel well

Father: Where don't you feel well?

Son: In school!

she didn't give me one

Mother: How do you like your new teacher?

Son: I don't. She told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn't give me one!

my father speaking

Pupil (on phone): My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.

School Secretary: Who is this?

Pupil: This is my father speaking!

wit ur tooth burush

Dad 2 son: wen i beat u how do u control ur anger?
Son: i start cleaning toilet.
Dad: how does dat satisfy u?
Son: i clean wit ur tooth brush.

By Mariam