Chozi la mwanamke

Usimfanye mwanamke akalia, chozi la mwanamke
ni la gharama sana. Tone moja tu la chozi lake
linatoka na:
Kwanza linachanganyika na eye liner ya 45,000,
na mascara ya 63,000 halafu likifika kwenye
mashavu inachanganyika na foundation 220,000
na poda ya 37,000, na hatimaye likigusa midomo
inachanganyikana na lipstick 79,000 na lip gloss
14,000. Chozi moja tu la mwanamke linaondoka
na sh. 458,000 So plz usimlize mwanamke.
Lakini unaweza kumliza mwanaume utaondoa tu
vaseline ya mgando ya sh 2,500.

Sunshine

BOY: You are the sunshine of my life ,,,,,,,,, without you life is cloudy ,,,,,,,,,,, you are in my heart like rain ,,,,,,,,,, water for barren land.

GIRL: Is this a proposal or a "weather report" .......?

Ajira Mpya

Mume baada yakufika nyumbani toka kazini akiwa amechoka akamkuta mke wake kanuna

Mume: Una tatizo ganii mamaa?

Mke: Mme wangu kwa kweli tokea upate hii ajira mpya nakosa amani, Nilikua nakupenda sana lakini nashindwa kuvumilia. Naomba unieleze ni nani anaitwa Alarm anapiga simu kila siku alfajiri tu na wewe unaikata haraka ili nisiskie maongezi yenu?

Sosi zako

KWENYE DALADALA SIMU YA ABIRIA INAITA.

Abiria: hellow, hellow, mke wangu...sikusikii.

(Ikabidi awake loudspeaker ya simu)

Upande Wa Pili:

Mke sasa: Sosi zako umezivulia wapi? Nyumba nzima inanuka.

Mganga wa Kienyeji

Kuna mdada nimegombana nae wiki iliyopita. Sasa kachukua namba yangu kabandika kwenye mti eti MGANGA WA KIENYEJI TOKA SUMBAWANGA. Sasa napata simu nyingi za wateja kila sekunde......

Farasi wako

Jost alikuwa amekaa zake sebuleni anasoma gazet, ghafla akapigwa kwa mwiko uson na mkewe!

JOST: Vipi tena laazizi kulikon?

MKE: kwenye surual yako wakati najiandaa kuifua nikakuta kikaratasi kimeandikwa "JENNY", unaweza ukanieleza huyo JENNY ni nani kwako?

JOST: aaah! wiki ilopita nlikuwa kweny mashndano ya farasi, na Jenny ndo jina alobandikwa faras wangu yani farasi wangu aliitwa JENNY!

MKE: samahani mme wangu!

Siku ilofuata jost akiwa ameketi kwenye kochi huku akisoma gazeti, alishtukia tena mwiko wa uso "kwaaaa, kwaaaa!"

JOST: Uwiiiiiii! jaman laazizi kulikon tena?

MKE: faras wako kapiga simu!

Sura mbaya

MGONJWA : Dokta mi nina sura mbaya sana.

DOKTA : Si kweli mi nakuona una sura nzuri tu.

MGONJWA : Lakini kila mtu ananicheka na miaka yote
wanasema mi mbaya

DOKTA : Sikiliza nakuhakikishia kuwa wewe unavutia kabisa.

MGONJWA:Dokta najua unanifurahisha tu mi najijua mi mbaya

DOKTA :Achana na maneno ya watu we mwanaume mzuri
kabisa wewe, unafaa hata kwenye matangazo ya mwanaume wa
ukweli.

MGONJWA:Dokta mi mwanamke bwana

DOKTA : UMESEMA?

nitumie pesa

Girl: Baby nitumie pesa
Boy: Ndioooo tumia zote
Girl: hujanielewa, nimesema nitumie pesa.
Boy: we ndio hujanielewa, nimekuambia we tumia tu, tumia zote.

Japanese couple

A Japanese couple argued heavily in public.
Husband: takamushi jiku.
Wife: hashi jiku mishihe.
Husband: inamoto kushini hatapi.
Wife: jejeta takuna mota shinita.
Husband: kituya sitina kutara.
Wife:saka weretuna joku.
Husband: ji taka mushi.
Wife: totori yatika muniya.
You are still reading as if you understand Japanese, be serious!!

Some marriages

Some marriages start with words like"will you marry me beb?"While others start with"beb my dad told me to go back where I slept last night"

Catholic Priest

A Catholic Priest was dying in a hospital and asked the doctor to call a Police Officer & a politician .
Within minutes, the two appeared. He asked them to sit on either side of the bed.
The priest held their hands and kept quiet.
The guys were so touched and at the same time felt very important for being summoned by a priest in his dying moment. Out of anxiety, the politician ask, 'But why did you call us? ' The Priest gathered all his strength and said, 'Jesus died between two thieves.....I want to go the same way!!!

najitekenya

Nimekaa na mshikaji siti moja kwenye daladala, mshikaji bonge ya baunsa alafu anamokovu kama gogo la kukatia nyama buchani. amevaa heard phone masikioni naona anatikisa kichwa tu, ghafla kwa sauti kubwa nasikia anaimba "alinifunza mama niwaogope sana wanaume...." Nimeshindwa kuvumilia nimeweka mikono yangu yote kwapani nikaanza kucheka kwa nguvu kanijeukia kwa hasira akaniuliza "we dogo unacheka nini?" Nikamjibu kinyonge "najitekenya."

Whatsapp

Kule whatsapp kuna vituko watu na status zao;.
1. Mtu ameandika "Sleeping" , sasa leo siku
ya tano, si kishakufa huyu?
2. Mwingine kaandika "Driving" toka mwaka
jana Agosti, naona atakuwa anakaribia
Afghanistan saa hizi
3. Haya jamaa najua kalazwa anaumwa
lakini kaandika "Happy" we vipi ndugu
yangu?
4. Huyu mdada kaandika "Available". Sijui
anajua maana yake?
5. Mbosi huyu hajabadilisha status mwaka
wa pili sasa, "Hey there! I'm using
WhatsApp" sasa unadhani sijui?
Tungekutanaje kama hutumii Whatsapp?
6. Superstar wetu mmoja kaandika "Urgent
calls only". We vipi? Kwani we faya, au
ambulens au polisi?
7. Haka kabishoo kameandika "Can't talk,
WhatsApp only". Sasa una simu ya nini?
Si uitupe uwe unashinda Facebook? Simu
kazi yake ya kwanza kuongea sio
Whatsapp, pambafu we.
8. Huyu mshamba kaandika "At the movies"
wiki ya saba sasa, sinema gani ndefu
hivyo wewe? Au unafanya kazi ya kuuza
tiketi hapo sinema?
9. Dogo kaandika "At school" sasa
Whatsapp ya nini? Utapata Div O wewe
10. Mwezi wa pili sasa mchepuko umeandika
"Busy" hivi busy unafanya nini? Nikiacha
kukutumia credit utaanza kelele
11. Hahahahahaha eti "Battery about to die"
miezi sita mfululizo, badilisha hiyo betri?
Au mtaa wenu hakuna umeme miezi sita
hujachaji simu? Si kalalamikeni
TANESCO? Au nikununulie jenereta?
Unaudhi
12. Hivi najiuliza we mdada huu mwezi wa
nne sasa eti "At the gym" unajitayarisha
kwa Olympic
13. Bosi status yako ya "In a meeting"
mwezi mzima inachekesha, maliza huo
mkutano rudi kwenu.

Nitumie pesa

Girl : Baby nitumie pesa
Boy : Ndioooo tumia zote

japanese couple

A japanese couple argued heavily in public.
Husband: takamushi jiku.
Wife: hashi jiku mishihe.
Husband: inamoto kushini hatapi.
Wife: jejeta takuna mota shinita.
Husband: kituya sitina kutara.
Wife:saka weretuna joku.
Husband: ji taka mushi.
Wife: totori yatika muniya.
You are still reading as if you understand Japanese, be serious!!