malaika akakwambia unanafasi ya kurudi tena duniani

Umelala,ukaota umekufa,uko mbinguni,ila malaika akakwambia unanafasi ya kurudi tena duniani.Ila uchague,urudi kama kuku au kama bata.Ukaöna bora kuku.Ukaambiwa lazima ufanye mazoezi ya kutaga,basi ukasukuma,likatoka yai zurii,ukasukuma tena,likatoka lapili zuri sana.Ukaamka,kucheki,dah, umejisaidia ...!

Mumin na Padri

Mumini alienda kuungama kwa Padri, maungamo yalikuwa hivi.
mumini;- Naungama kwa Mungu wangu na Padri wangu kwakua nimetenda dhambi, zambi  zangu ni hizi, nimehifadhi picha za ngono kwenye simu yangu na pia nina sms za matusi kwenye simu yangu.
Padri:- aka mwambia kwa sauti ya kunon'goneza NIFOADIEEEEE

from Wendo by sms.

Chuo maalum kwa ajili ya kutoa ajira za chapchap

*Chuo maalum kwa ajili ya kutoa ajira za chapchap kimefunguliwa hapa
Kiborloni,
Chuo Kimesajiliwa na VETA na kina waalimu waliobobea katika nyanja
zote

Chuo kinapokea maombi kwa wanafunzi waliomaliza darasa la saba kwa
ajili ya kozi zifuatazo:*

*1.** **Ulevi Mwezi mmoja;*

*2.** **Ujambazi miezi sita;*

*3.** **Kuchoma mtu kisu wiki moja;*

*4.** **Kuchoma nyama kwenye baa miezi miwili;*

*5. Kung’arisha viatu wiki tatu (maalum kwa vijana wa Rombo);*

*6.** **Kuuza duka miezi mitatu;*

*7.** **Kurekebisha mipaka ya kiwanja cha jirani miezi minne;*

*8.** **Kupata mume msomi na mwenye wadhifa mkubwa miaka miwili;*

*9.** **Kufuga ng’ombe mwaka mmoja;*

*10.** **Kuendesha pick-up miezi minne;*

*11.** **Kugombea udiwani miaka miwili;*

*12.** **Kuendesha pikipiki za bodaboda na bajaji wiki sita;*

*13.** **Kuchakachua mafuta mwaka mmoja;*

*14.** **Kupata kazi TRA miezi mitatu;*

*15.** **Kukwepa kodi wiki nane; na

*16.** **jinsi ya kuishi eneo la Kimara, Dar es salaam.*

*17.** **Kukatisha tiketi kwenye magari ya Moshi, Dar na Arusha ni
bure;*

Mwanafunzi lazima awe mchaga wa kuzaliwa pia baba na mama yake wawe
wachaga, mwenye elimu ya msingi na asizidi miaka 18

mwisho wa kupikea maombi ni kabla ya kuhitimu miaka 19
Nafasi za malazi zipo
*Watakaojiandikisha mapema watafundishwa bila malipo,

Barua kwa anuan hii

chuo

box 54688

Darr Es Malaam
Tanzania

Jost

Mkuu wa chuo

MCHAGGA NI YUPI HASA?

There is no Chagga tribe but just different groups of people living on
the southern slopes of Mount of Kilimanjaro with the following
characteristics:

WAMACHAME (Business entrepreneurs) Huwezi kujua nani mwanamke na ni
nani mwanaume. Kila kitu ni pesa. Yaani hata kama ni mkeo wa ndoa
inakuwa hivi " kama hutoi pesa ya mbege ndoa yangu sikupi babangu"
Basi kule Machame chakula cha ndoa au nimesemaje? Kufanya mapenzi ni
kwa kipimo. Ukiwa katikati mama anakwambia STOOOOOOP! Hapo shilingi
Elfu 20 zako ndio zimekwisha; Ukitaka ongezandio uendelee. Yahye,
unasikia nasema MKE WA NDOA! Wamachame hao! Uchumba tu, lazima upeleke
Kapati la mbeho!

WAKIBOSHO (Specialized bandits) Mama akiwa anapiga soga na mwenziwe
utawasikia hivi"Yaani Dadangu, we acha tu yule Alex wangu siku hisi
amepefuka kweli; Ana akili we acha tu! Haibi tena mfukoni siku hisi,
ameunda kundi lake la ujambasi, Krisimasi hii lasima nitaletewa
fitenge file fya Kongo. Binti naye, AKIOLEWA NA KYASAKA, baba na mama
wanamwambia " Hivi wewe huyu mwanaume kwani ni ndugu yako ? Leta hizo
pesa sake tujengee huku kwetu Manka!!

WAURU (The Elites)Very boring people, wakikaa ni kuongea kuhusu shule
tuuuuuuuuu, masomo, digrii. Yaani yukanoti bilivu! Babu wa miaka 70
bado madaftari yake ya primary ameweka sandukuni!! Atawaonyesha
wajukuu zake wote: "Ona hand writing yangu ilivyokuwa nzuri wakati
nafundishwa na Father Wilson Payatt. Wanakumbuka majina ya waalimu wao
hasa wazungu tangu chekechea.Uzuri wao, wanamwogopa sana Mungu.
Kengele ya KANISANI ikilia saa sita mchana utaona wazee wote kilabuni
wanaamka na kusali sala ya mchana ndio wanaendelea kunywa
mbege.Wanapenda maparachichi hao! We acha tu!!

WA OLD MOSHI (The Mechanics)!Actually Mama Mkapa ni beauty Queen kule
kwao. Yaani mimi sisemi we nenda kachague mwenyewe.Taabu, Wanaume ni
wabishi! Kama mkia wa mbuzi!Wanakunywa kisusio hata cha Nguruwe!! Na
Gongonyingiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiii (Wenyewe waita Crysta-pen!)

WAMARANGU (The handsome liars)!Wanaume wote ni waongo. Actually kuna
somola "jinsi ya kudanganya" shule zote za primary kule Marangu. Both
wanaume na Wanawake maisha ni raha tupu.Kwa Mmarangu halisi, kwanza
ananunua gari, anachapamaisha, nae kulala kwenye gari wakati kodi ya
nyumbainamshinda ni jambo la kawaida.

WAROMBO: (The salesmen)!Kazi mtindo mmoja! Hawana tofauti ni kuruti wa
Jeshi!Wanawake tunawaita "KUBOTA" aina ya matrekta waliyosambazwa
Kilimanjaro na Wajapani miaka ya 1970. Watafutaji wa pesa!!!! We acha
tu. Wahindi hawaoni ndani!Lakini ukimchezea anakuua na kukimbilia
Kenya kupitia Tarakea.Ushauri wa bure! Rafiki yangu uamue mwenyewe
lakini kwa ushaurimwepesi mwepesi nenda Uru (wasomi) au Rombo
(wachapakazi) . Chaguo ni lako

Mpare aliyeweka pesa benki

Kuna Mpare mmoja anaishi karibu na Benki, baada ya kushawishiwa kwa
muda mrefu na ndugu na marafiki zake aweke pesa Benki kwa usalama wa
pesa zake, kwa taabu sana akakubali kuweka pesa Benki. Kuanzia siku
hiyo alizoweka hizo pesa, usiku kucha anakesha dirishani na filimbi
mdomoni, kila akipita mtu karibu na hiyo Benki, Mpare wa watu anapiga
filimbi kuwaamsha walinzi piii... piiiii....! Wote woga anaogopa,
asije mtu akaiba pesa zake....!

Konda na Visoda.

konda wa daladala alikuwa hana tiketi ili asije kusumbuana na abiria wake akawa anagawa visoda badala ya tiketi.

Confession

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"

In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."

Three gay men died

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

What's it's Name?

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

kwenye ATM

Mwanaume na ATM.
1. Atatoa kadi ya ATM.
2. Ataichomeka.
3. Ataingiza namba ya siri.
4. Atachukua pesa, card na risiti.

Mwanamke na ATM.
1. Ataitoa kadi ya ATM.
2. Atajichek kwenye kioo cha makeup.
3. Atazima gari.
4. Ataweka funguo kwenye pochi.
5. Ataitafuta ATM kadi kwenye pochi.
6. Atachomeka kadi.
7. Atatafuta kikaratasi chenye namba za siri.
8. Atasoma maelekezo kwa dk.2.
9. Atabonyeza CANCEL.
10. Ataingiza namba ya siri upya.
11. Ataangalia balance.
12. Atatafuta kibahasha.
13. Atatafuta peni kwenye pochi.
14. Atatoa hela.
15. Atarudi kwenye gari.
16. Atajiangalia makeup tena.
17. Atatafuta ufunguo kwenye pochi.
18. Atawasha gari.
19. Atarudi tena kwenye ATM.
20. Ataenda chukua kadi na risiti.
21. Ataweka kwenye walet.
22. Atajiangalia makeup tena.
23. Ataondoka mwende kidogo ndio atatoa handbreak.

Mswaki

Siku moja mwanafunzi mmoja katika hostel fulani walikuwa wanashea friji. Ikawa kila akiweka maji ya kunywa anakuta wamekunywa. Akabuni lake siku nyingine akaweka maji yake kama kawaida yake na akatumbukizia mswaki ndani yake ili mwizi wa maji yake ashindwe kunywa. Baadae jioni aliporudi akakuta mswaki wa pili ndani yake.

Mchina na omba-omba

Ombaomba mmoja alipewa noti ya shilingi elfu kumi na mchina, ombaomba yule akaikataa ile elfu kumi ombaomba mwenzake akamuuliza:

Ombaomba: We mbona umeikataa ile noti?
Mwenzake akamjibu kwa kujiamini.
''aa! Hawaaminiki hawa, kama feki je?'

Mchina na omba-omba

Ombaomba mmoja alipewa noti ya shilingi elfu kumi na mchina, ombaomba yule akaikataa ile elfu kumi ombaomba mwenzake akamuuliza:

Ombaomba: We mbona umeikataa ile noti?
Mwenzake akamjibu kwa kujiamini.
''aa! Hawaaminiki hawa, kama feki je?'

Mchina na omba-omba

Ombaomba mmoja alipewa noti ya shilingi elfu kumi na mchina, ombaomba yule akaikataa ile elfu kumi ombaomba mwenzake akamuuliza:

Ombaomba: We mbona umeikataa ile noti?
Mwenzake akamjibu kwa kujiamini.
''aa! Hawaaminiki hawa, kama feki je?'