Happy birthday to you

The younger you try to look; the older you actually are.

Another year older, none the wiser.

Happy birthday to you
You live in a zoo
You look like a monkey
And you smell like one too

Enjoy your birthday cake today since tomorrow we'll return to judging you based on every single morsel you ingest.

Happy Birthday! You're one year closer to your death day.

I'm not going to make any age related jokes because I genuinely feel bad about how old you are.

your birthday

Happy anniversary of your umbilical cord separation.

Men age like wine, women age like milk.

Some say the glass is half empty.
Others say the glass is half full.
It's your birthday, so just drink whatever is in the glass.

Happy anniversary of your umbilical cord separation.
Men age like wine, women age like milk.
Some say the glass is half empty.
Others say the glass is half full.
It's your birthday, so just drink whatever is in the glass.

birthday wish

May you live as long as you want to, and want to as long as you live.

May you live to be old and toothless.

Smile while you've still got the teeth, Happy birthday.

So many birthdays. So few candles. Next year, may your birthday wish be a bigger cake.

Forget your past, it's already done. Forget your present, too; because I forgot.

You're not getting older. You're just a little closer to dying!

Happy Birthday

Never lie about your age except in the case of an emergency, like if somebody should ask how old you are.

Count your blessings, not your wrinkles.

I'll always think of you as someone older than me. Happy Birthday.

You're older.
You're wiser.
You're sophisticated.
You're far too mature to be concerned with material things, like presents.

You know you're getting old when you walk up the stairs and call it excercise. Happy Bday!

Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.

How To Become A Millionaire

Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire?
Sure. Here you are.
Thanks - but half the pages are missing.
What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?

"What about the firemen and police I sent?"

A very religious man fell into the quicksand. Firefighters come by and offer to help, but he says, "No, God will help me." Next come the police, they offer to help. Again the man says, "No, God will help me." He then sinks in the quicksand to his death. In heaven, he asks God why he didn't save him. God says, "What about the firemen and police I sent?"

Mlevi

Mapacha wawili walienda bar, pembeni kulikuwa na mlevi amelewa alipowaangalia akasema "holly shit i think i see everthing double!"

Mlevi

Mapacha wawili walienda bar, pembeni kulikuwa na mlevi amelewa alipowaangalia akasema "holly shit i think i see everthing double!"

Eskot

Jamaa alienda kuomba escort ya polisi. Akaulizwa "umebeba billion ngapi au umetishiwa life?" 
Akajibu "No napita na kitimoto msikitini".

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE:

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you
of how far you've come.
2. Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your
own, even if you never want or need to.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to
see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen
carrying.
5. A youth you're content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your
old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age and some
money set aside to help fund it.
8. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
9. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
10. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your
family.
11. Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal
that will make your guests feel honored.
12. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
13. A feeling of control over your destiny.
14. A skin care regime, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with
those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all
those other facets of life that do get better.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW:
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without
ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and
wouldn't like to happen next.
6. How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
7. How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll
get it.
8. That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips
or the nature of your parents.
9. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
10. What you would and wouldn't do for love or money
11. How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
12. Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it
personally.
13. Where to go - be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn
hidden in the woods-when your soul needs soothing.
14. What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.
15. Why they say life begins at 30.

10 things only women understand

10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

The best three things for being a women are:

You can bleed without cutting yourself.
You can bury a bone without digging a hole.
You can make a man come without calling him.

The best three things for being a women are:

You can bleed without cutting yourself.
You can bury a bone without digging a hole.
You can make a man come without calling him.

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo playing geek in 'Deliverance')
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)
5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and lay. It's the male perspective thing.)