Mzee mmoja toka Machame (Bwana Oforo) ambaye alikuwa
mkali sana kwa binti yake aitwae Manka, anaamka
asubuhi na kutaarifiwa kwamba binti yake ana mimba!
Bwana Oforo: "Aisee we Manka, nakwenda kazini,
nikirudi leo ni lazima uniambie ni nani kafanya uchafu
huu" Anafoka na kuondoka kuelekea ofisini.
Mchana akapigiwa simu na Mama Manka na kuambiwa kwamba
yule jamaa aliyempa mimba bintiye yupo nyumbani
anamsubiri kwa mazungumzo!
Mzee akachukua panga lake na kulinoa kabisaaa kwa
ajili ya kwenda kumteketeza mwanaharamu huyo.
Kufika nyumbani mambo yanakuwa hivi:
Kijana aliyempa mimba binti: "Mmmh Mzee ni kweli mi
ndiye nimempa mimba binti yako, na kusema kweli sina
mpango wa kumuoa. Lakini akizaa mtoto wa kiume
nitakupa TShs 1 million na ghorofa Kariakoo kisha
nachukua mtoto. Akizaa mtoto wa kike nakupa TShs 1
million na duka Sinza! Lakini je mzee, ikitokea bahati
mbaya mimba hii ikaharibika itakuwaje? "
Mzee Oforo: "Aisee babaangu eeeh itabidi tu umpe mimba
nyingine, hakuna jinsi!"
tangazo one
Abidal
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Usianike matatizo yako kwa watu, nao wanayo mazito zaidi ya hayo
jamaa wawili walikutana kwenye kituo cha basi wakafanya mazungumzo.
Mmoja aling'ang'nia kuzungumzia kero za familia yake hatimaye mwenzake
akasema " Unadhani familia yako ina matatizo?" Basi sikiliza kisa hiki.
" Miaka michache iliyopita nilikutana na mwanamke mjane aliyekua na binti
mkubwa tu na tukaamua kuoana. Baadaye baba yangu akamuoa binti yangu
wa kambo hivyo huyo binti yangu wa kambo akawa mama yangu wa kambo na
Baba yangu akawa mtoto wangu wa kambo wa kiume ambapo mke wangu
akawa mama mkwe wa mkwe wake.
Baadaye binti yamke wangu yaani binti yangu wa kambo alipata mtoto wa
kiume. mtoto huyo wa kiume alikua ndugu yangu kwa sababu tulichangia
baba mmoja. lakini kwa vile alikua ni mtoto wabinti wa mke wangu papo hapo
akawa mjukuu wa mke wangu na mimi nikawa babu yake mdogo wangu.
Lakini hayo yote yalikua si kitu mpaka mimi na mke wangu tulipopata mtoto
wa kiume. Sasa msichana ambaye ni ndugu wa mtoto wangu huyo wa kiume
kwa kuchangia mama yao mmoja, akawa pia bibi yake. Hali hiyo ilimfanya pia
baba yangu kua shemeji wa mtoto wangu ambaye ndugu yake wa kike kwa
upande wa mama yao ndie mke wake baba yangu. Kwa hiyo mimi ni shemeji
yake mama yangu wa kambo ambapo mke wangu ni mama mdogo (anti)
wabinti yake mwenyewe . Mtoto wangu wa kiume ni mpwa wa baba yangu
ambapo mimi nikawa babu yangu mwenyewe.
Mmoja aling'ang'nia kuzungumzia kero za familia yake hatimaye mwenzake
akasema " Unadhani familia yako ina matatizo?" Basi sikiliza kisa hiki.
" Miaka michache iliyopita nilikutana na mwanamke mjane aliyekua na binti
mkubwa tu na tukaamua kuoana. Baadaye baba yangu akamuoa binti yangu
wa kambo hivyo huyo binti yangu wa kambo akawa mama yangu wa kambo na
Baba yangu akawa mtoto wangu wa kambo wa kiume ambapo mke wangu
akawa mama mkwe wa mkwe wake.
Baadaye binti yamke wangu yaani binti yangu wa kambo alipata mtoto wa
kiume. mtoto huyo wa kiume alikua ndugu yangu kwa sababu tulichangia
baba mmoja. lakini kwa vile alikua ni mtoto wabinti wa mke wangu papo hapo
akawa mjukuu wa mke wangu na mimi nikawa babu yake mdogo wangu.
Lakini hayo yote yalikua si kitu mpaka mimi na mke wangu tulipopata mtoto
wa kiume. Sasa msichana ambaye ni ndugu wa mtoto wangu huyo wa kiume
kwa kuchangia mama yao mmoja, akawa pia bibi yake. Hali hiyo ilimfanya pia
baba yangu kua shemeji wa mtoto wangu ambaye ndugu yake wa kike kwa
upande wa mama yao ndie mke wake baba yangu. Kwa hiyo mimi ni shemeji
yake mama yangu wa kambo ambapo mke wangu ni mama mdogo (anti)
wabinti yake mwenyewe . Mtoto wangu wa kiume ni mpwa wa baba yangu
ambapo mimi nikawa babu yangu mwenyewe.
jamaa wawili walikutana kwenye kituo cha basi wakafanya mazungumzo.
Mmoja aling'ang'nia kuzungumzia kero za familia yake hatimaye mwenzake
akasema " Unadhani familia yako ina matatizo?" Basi sikiliza kisa hiki.
" Miaka michache iliyopita nilikutana na mwanamke mjane aliyekua na binti
mkubwa tu na tukaamua kuoana. Baadaye baba yangu akamuoa binti yangu
wa kambo hivyo huyo binti yangu wa kambo akawa mama yangu wa kambo na
Baba yangu akawa mtoto wangu wa kambo wa kiume ambapo mke wangu
akawa mama mkwe wa mkwe wake.
Baadaye binti yamke wangu yaani binti yangu wa kambo alipata mtoto wa
kiume. mtoto huyo wa kiume alikua ndugu yangu kwa sababu tulichangia
baba mmoja. lakini kwa vile alikua ni mtoto wabinti wa mke wangu papo hapo
akawa mjukuu wa mke wangu na mimi nikawa babu yake mdogo wangu.
Lakini hayo yote yalikua si kitu mpaka mimi na mke wangu tulipopata mtoto
wa kiume. Sasa msichana ambaye ni ndugu wa mtoto wangu huyo wa kiume
kwa kuchangia mama yao mmoja, akawa pia bibi yake. Hali hiyo ilimfanya pia
baba yangu kua shemeji wa mtoto wangu ambaye ndugu yake wa kike kwa
upande wa mama yao ndie mke wake baba yangu. Kwa hiyo mimi ni shemeji
yake mama yangu wa kambo ambapo mke wangu ni mama mdogo (anti)
wabinti yake mwenyewe . Mtoto wangu wa kiume ni mpwa wa baba yangu
ambapo mimi nikawa babu yangu mwenyewe.
Mmoja aling'ang'nia kuzungumzia kero za familia yake hatimaye mwenzake
akasema " Unadhani familia yako ina matatizo?" Basi sikiliza kisa hiki.
" Miaka michache iliyopita nilikutana na mwanamke mjane aliyekua na binti
mkubwa tu na tukaamua kuoana. Baadaye baba yangu akamuoa binti yangu
wa kambo hivyo huyo binti yangu wa kambo akawa mama yangu wa kambo na
Baba yangu akawa mtoto wangu wa kambo wa kiume ambapo mke wangu
akawa mama mkwe wa mkwe wake.
Baadaye binti yamke wangu yaani binti yangu wa kambo alipata mtoto wa
kiume. mtoto huyo wa kiume alikua ndugu yangu kwa sababu tulichangia
baba mmoja. lakini kwa vile alikua ni mtoto wabinti wa mke wangu papo hapo
akawa mjukuu wa mke wangu na mimi nikawa babu yake mdogo wangu.
Lakini hayo yote yalikua si kitu mpaka mimi na mke wangu tulipopata mtoto
wa kiume. Sasa msichana ambaye ni ndugu wa mtoto wangu huyo wa kiume
kwa kuchangia mama yao mmoja, akawa pia bibi yake. Hali hiyo ilimfanya pia
baba yangu kua shemeji wa mtoto wangu ambaye ndugu yake wa kike kwa
upande wa mama yao ndie mke wake baba yangu. Kwa hiyo mimi ni shemeji
yake mama yangu wa kambo ambapo mke wangu ni mama mdogo (anti)
wabinti yake mwenyewe . Mtoto wangu wa kiume ni mpwa wa baba yangu
ambapo mimi nikawa babu yangu mwenyewe.
Kwa wadada wanaotafuta waoaji
Reasons why ladies today are still SINGLE:
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money..
8.The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE
FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW, WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
"Men are like a fine wine.
They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them
and keep them in the dark until they mature into something
you'd like to have dinner with."
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money..
8.The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE
FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW, WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
"Men are like a fine wine.
They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them
and keep them in the dark until they mature into something
you'd like to have dinner with."
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The Bad Day
There's a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.
"The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.
"And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Golfing Partner
One night, Peter was home watching TV when his wife entered the room and asked, "If I died, would you remarry?"
Peter thought for a second then said "Yeah I guess I would".
Then his the wife asked, "well would you have her as your golfing partner?"
Peter replied, "yep I probably would do that too".
"But surely you wouldn't give her my clubs?!", she cried.
Peter looked at her and said, "Nah, shes left handed."
Three Old Ladies
Three old ladies are sitting in a cafe, chatting about various things.
One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
Three Old Ladies
Three old ladies are sitting in a cafe, chatting about various things.
One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly, "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
Talks Too Much
A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men.
He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day.
His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"
He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day.
His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"
Monday, October 4, 2010
hata kuku
Jamaa alikuwa anakaanga mayai. Akavunja la kwanza halikuwa na kitu. la pili halikuwa na kitu. la tatu hivyohivyo. akakasirika na kusema, "shenzi, hata kuku wanatumia condom!"
Mchaga alinunua mbuzi
Mchaga alinunua mbuzi, akamwambia mpishi “nusu ya nyama ipikie pilau, nusu nyingine itie kwenye friza, kichwa kichune 2tafanya supu na miguu 2tafanya mchuzi chukuchuku, ngozi yake usiitupe tutafanya mkeka, utumbo tutapika na ndizi, mifupa tutawauzia wenye mbwa.” Mbuzi aliposikia akamuuliza, “mheshimiwa hutaki sauti yangu ufanye ringtone ya simu yako?”
By: Aisha
By: Aisha
Friday, October 1, 2010
Two friends:
first friend:- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
second friend:- Of course! How many people are coming?
first friend:- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.
kama British Air Ways
baada ya wiki 3 za harusi mama mtu anamuliza mwanawe wa kike vp maisha yako ya ndoa?
mtoto akijibu poa tu mama kama British Air Ways
mama mtu akatoka mpaka Air port akaenda kuangalia ratiba akakuta kwa wiki mara 7
na katika kila siku 1 inaenda trip 3 na katika kila trip 1 inasimama vituo 7 mama mtu
palepale akazimia.
mtoto akijibu poa tu mama kama British Air Ways
mama mtu akatoka mpaka Air port akaenda kuangalia ratiba akakuta kwa wiki mara 7
na katika kila siku 1 inaenda trip 3 na katika kila trip 1 inasimama vituo 7 mama mtu
palepale akazimia.
Mende mwenyewe mmoja
Kuna jamaa mmoja alienda kula kwa mama ntilie, kumega tu tonge la kwanza akakuta mende maongezi yao yakawa hivi:
Jamaa: wee mama ntilie unaona kuna mende kwenye chakula!
Mama ntilie: Mende mwenyewe alikuwa amebaki huyo mmjoja tu, na mimi kwa kukupendelea nikakupa wewe lakini hata hivyo we utalipia chakula tu huyo mende usilipe.
Jamaa: wee mama ntilie unaona kuna mende kwenye chakula!
Mama ntilie: Mende mwenyewe alikuwa amebaki huyo mmjoja tu, na mimi kwa kukupendelea nikakupa wewe lakini hata hivyo we utalipia chakula tu huyo mende usilipe.
Mjomba
Mjomba kile kiitikio chako cha kunitumia vocha, ulikiimba vizuri sana ila zimpita siku nne mjomba tangu unipe ahadi yako. Mjomba, kuuzunguka mbuyu si kaz,i kazi ni kuukumbatia. Mjomba, kubeba kunai la misumari wakati una upara huo ni ujinga ni sawa na nazi kuvunja jiwe au kutawaza kabla ya kujisaidia, kuharisha sio kunya mjomba wala kujamba sio kupiga chafya. Usifananishe suruali na msuli mjomba, aah natania tuu mjomba ila kweli ukipata buku nitumie vocha.
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